Ma tridx tkun hawnek (kultant)
I don't want to be here anymore (sometimes)
So it's been a strange few weeks since my last post. I had just come back from London where I caught up with some old friends and my sister, and where I had some serious nostalgia for the city and the opportunities it holds. Truth be told there is very little in Stockholm that would allow me to work with what I studied, while in London I would definitely be able to find work related to Africa. Even my plan of doing a PhD in Sweden seems to be a longshot the more I think about it, because the chances of me getting a place and finding a supervisor that would be suitable for my topic are pretty slim. So I have lowkey started to begin thinking about a contingency plan if things don't work out.
Then last week I had to dogsit Gustafs parents dachshunds while they were away on holiday. Which was one of my regrets this year. Male dogs really smell, and the younger dachshund was very unruly, like this dog peed on my bag of onions three fucking times, even though I had taken him out on a walk just before. And you just couldn't relax because you never knew if it was gonna go pee in the kitchen or start barking because it heard people in the street. So no dogs for me for a long time...cats are definitely better.
Then despite being in this country for 5 months now I am still undocumented and I could not get into the free Swedish course. My parents graciously offered to pay for a private course for me, which I'll be starting in 2 weeks time (yay!) But when I broke the news to Gustaf, rather than being happy he was annoyed that we had not explored that option before hand. Which was a lie, because we did but the cost was too high for us to consider at first. Instead of being grateful for my parents paying he was annoyed...meanwhile I'm thinking "what have your parents contributed towards this? My parents are helping all the way from Nigeria, sending me money when the economy is crap right now, when my mum is constantly stressed about paying my siblings school fees because of forex limits, when you were so broke from going over our gift budget in Xmas that I (the unemployed one) had to cover all the grocery and foodshoppng for the past two months, while all I hear from your parents is nagging as to why I am not speaking Swedish..." Then the other day Gustaf made a comment about me speaking Maltese, that he doesn't like it, that he doesn't like it when I speak in a Nigerian accent, and he could not comprehend why I got offended. It wasn't even the first time he's made this comment. He didn't even apologise till the next day. LIKE WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. 5+ years of dating and now you have a problem with my culture?
So considering this, sometimes, I do not want to be here. Sometimes I think all my effort in this place is futile. Sometimes I just count down the days till its time to apply for the PhD because that's the thing that will have a final say in whether I stay in Sweden or not. Sometimes I wish I never even moved here. And sometimes I hope things get better.