I survived Holy Week! I managed to show up for my commitments and there weren't any horrible disasters even on the parts that were a little rough. It took a lot of time and I did get very tired, but it felt so much more meaningful than how I grew up celebrating Easter.
I really, really have begun to feel something sometimes in prayer. I felt it during the Good Friday service when we prayed silently. During the baptism part of the vigil, I felt drawn very strongly. I think, theologically at least, I'm getting closer to ready to be baptized. Socially, I think it will be very difficult for me to tell my familiy if I have a Trinitarian baptism (and of course the very nature of baptism is to be public). May God guide me and give me courage.
I took communion during the vigil! It's been years since I'd taken communion--the last time had been at college chapel pre-pandemic. I stopped taking communion at the UPCI congregation when I noticed I had significant differences of belief. It's been a matter of scrupulousity for me, since many open table communion churches are actually open to all who have been baptized, and I had a Jesus-only baptism. So even though the ELCA's position is more ambiguous than, say, the Episcopal church's, I've tried to err on the side of caution. But at the communion part of the vigil the officiant was very clear that there were no exceptions at all, so I took him at his word. I'm still not taking communion in regular services, but that was such a good experience (if awkward, as I was the cantor during communion and had to time things very carefully)
The gospel reading for Easter, John chapter 20, was the alternate text because the minister didn't want to read the shortest ending of Mark, where the women tell nobody what they'd seen because they're afraid. I love John 20 but I felt a little sad to not hear Mark. In my Resurrection class we talked about how the abrupt ending of Mark, which never resolves how the word about the resurrection got out, makes the reader (who's been in on the Messianic secret along with the narrator this whole time) an active participant, spreading the news they've just read. I find that so theologically rich.
I'm a Christian. I'm a Christian! I believe in and love Jesus! I read the Nicene creed today and I believed in what I was reading! I've spent years in doubt and alienation, in critical examination, in apathy, and in despair. I have experienced spiritual abuse and its resulting trauma. I've gone through times when I did not believe in God, and times when I thought the rot within Christianity went too deep for it to be salvaged. The faith I have now is very different from the way I once understood the world. (But I have faith! I have faith! I believe in God and I care that I believe in God!)
I feel so loved and surrounded and nourished. I couldn't have wished for better as I turn 24.
