(I was blocked before I could respond. Not that I really wanted to.)
Let's talk about The Missing Stair.
The phrase was coined by blogger Cliff Jerrison in a 2012 post on a blog about BDSM and kink. Regarding a known predator in the community, he said:
People had gotten so used to working around this guy, to accommodating his "special requirements," that they didn't feel like there was an urgent problem in their community. They did eventually expel him, but it was after months of it being widely shared knowledge that he was a rapist. [...] I think there were some people in the community who were intentionally protecting him, but there were more who were de facto protecting him by treating him like a missing stair. Like something you're so used to working around, you never stop to ask "what if we actually fixed this?" Eventually you take it for granted that working around this guy is just a fact of life, and if he hurts someone, that's the fault of whoever didn't apply the workarounds correctly.
The Missing Stair applies to all kinds of toxic behavior, not just predatory or abusive behavior. Any person that needs to be sidestepped can potentially become a Missing Stair.
When I first came into this RP space, I followed everyone who looked 'cool'. I was very aware problematic RPers existed. But every attempt to search for information on them either resulted in vagueposts or callout blogs so full of hyperbole it was impossible to tell truth from lie. This is still the case.
This creates the Missing Stair mentioned above: Veteran RPers know the drama, but newbies do not. Information is siloed, and cannot be adequately further researched. This leaves newbies in the vulnerable position of often befriending abusive people unknowingly, and facing condemnation or grooming depending on how they proceed. They can only act on the way that "problematic" people treat them, as they have no other information. Attempts to uncover the truth by asking people directly can result in allegations of the newbie being a spy, or worse, retaliation. At best, it results in a mess of he-said-she-said allegations that newbies then have to sort through.
I have now been RPing on this account for almost 2 years. I'm not a veteran, but I'm not a newbie, and I am consciously choosing to not longer perpetuate The Missing Stair like those who've come before me. This post has screenshots and it says names precisely, so that way it is searchable and verifiable. I only wish to arm people with info so they can make an informed decision. I also hope to inspire other people to make similar, detailed, measured (<- take note callout blogs) posts in the future when they encounter poor behavior. I think younger me might have be able to avoid @sweetcolbaltblues if someone had done that.
First things first: I acknowledge I should have blocked rather than responded. It's my understanding that messaging after an unfollow is considered violating a boundary by many tumblrfolk, and I agree with that take. I was just caught off guard as the message occurred only hours after I unfollowed. As I said in the screenshots, I personally don't track these kind of things. It shook me up, but I still should have blocked in response rather than yielding ground.
Still, you know now that when @sweetcolbaltblues says "no hard feelings either way", she is lying. You know now that she extrapolates based on her own biases- at no point did I ever condemn her for the company she keeps, in fact, I had empathy for her situation, and yet she assumed I was attacking her. You know now that she crashes out. You know now that she places the blame for her lashing out onto the person she's lashing out at. According to others who've looked at her blog for me to verify I was blocked, you can click and see she'll make vagueposts that don't relay the full situation. (I was provided screenshots in case these posts are deleted, and will add them to this post if they are).
You can take this knowledge, and do whatever you wish with it. You can ignore it, you can act on it, that's not my business.
I have no desire to engage with @sweetcobaltblues after how she's responded to me. As such, I have blocked her. I'm sure she has her story to tell, and in another timeline where she didn't come at me like this, I might have listened to it. But now, I can't be assured she won't attack me further, so it isn't worth me exposing myself to more verbal abuse.
All I know is if I do have RP partners who tried to run her out of the community, this exchange doesn't convince me they were wrong to do so. This is unacceptable behavior for any person and I don't think this behavior should be tolerated in any community. That said, I do hope @sweetcobaltblues can control her emotions better eventually because I genuinely want people to enjoy rp, but I think that privilege comes with improved behavior.
Finally, I hope me talking about this openly and plainly helps a newbie out in the future.
