swellerando replied to your post “.”
The way you talk about this is legitimately concerning. I’m worried about the effect Calvin has on you. Anybody who destroys your whole life when they leave you is not good for you.
Thank you for your concern <3 I wish I could explain it better. When I write these venting posts at my lowest moments of depression, just to get all the words out on “virtual paper” somewhere so I can sleep, I don’t always frame things in the most eloquent/accurate way.
Let me see if I can do better today, feeling somewhat more equanimous: What keeps tearing me down is my pain about losing him. What keeps building me up again is... him. My own brain is constantly messing with me, telling me horrible lies about him and our relationship, misinterpreting and overthinking things and making a huge emotional mess, basically. And every time I’m lost in that mess and turn to him and confess “This is how I’ve been feeling lately”, he gives me the same steady, reliable comfort and reassurance.
Of course I want more, because I’m selfish and passionate and I’ve only ever been in love with one person so I WANT that person in every possible way. But the blessing of getting to keep him as a friend is indescribably better than the potential double-whammy of having to lose him in that sense too.
Another follower said “It still sounds like depression”, and today, with a little more perspective, I think they’re right. I think the problem is that my depression started not long before the breakup and was exacerbated by it, so since then, the two things (depression and heartbreak) have been intricately entangled with each other, to the point where I often can’t tell them apart. And that’s the unhealthy bit. I need to practice separating the two pains and following each one back to its source – treating the parts that can be treated, and respecting the parts that cannot be treated and are simply there as a life lesson to deepen my experience of humanity.
