little prompt: kabby having sex for the first time and marcus realizing that it is the first time in his life that he has made love to someone and understanding how different sex is when it actually means something
Another prompt that’s been in my drafts for years on end. This is in the mini-grayspace between 4x01 and 4x02, vaaaaaguely NSFW content (I cannot write anything graphic for the life of me but also y’know existential crisis during sex is a good time), and also on ao3.
He feels vulnerable and he hates it and he’s never wantedanything more.
To be comfortable enough with another human being to letthem touch him is strange enough. Marcus has learned these past few months thathe is a far more emotional person than he ever thought, but his physicalboundaries have been slower in coming down and-
Still, he has history there. Nothing worth regretting,nothing worth anything at all. To describe any of the various people he soughtout in moments of mutual and desire and desperation over the years as a loversounds like a bit of a stretch, but it did happen, and for what it all wasthose encounters and brief entanglements were good enough and-
This is different, and strange as all hell, and better forit.
It had to be her, he thinks in the midst of their collision.Abby is the only person still alive who has never given up on him, and even inthe decades of sparring and occasional attempted murder he understood that. Shehas, if not always a good heart, at least a well-intentioned one. If she didn’tcare, she wouldn’t have been so… her. Always on him and convinced of thebetter version of him long before he realized that was something yet to bediscovered. No wonder she got along so well with his mother, and-
At least the mental wandering during physical activitiesfeels normal enough. Sex has always been an outlet for him, a means to someother end. No reason to think too much about the other body entwined with his,or the person who for whatever reason was bored or desperate enough to allowit.
This is neither boredom or desperation, he thinks as shetakes bitey kisses. The distraction makes sense enough like this, with herabove him, chasing her own desire and using his body as a conduit. He wondersif perhaps, in this situation, he may be the convenient one.
No. Not with her.
She has kept to herself in her widowhood, and he would knowif she’d chosen otherwise, if there were any lovers in that stretch of time nomatter how inconsequential they ended up being. Even in their loathing he wasat least protective of her. He would’ve known, and he would’ve made sure in hisway that they did right by her, and she likely never would’ve found out, and…none of that happened. She chose to mourn, and that is respectable enough, and…
The realization that he may only be the second person she’sever let touch her is damn near terrifying, makes him cold enough to pull herdown.
She keeps shifting her hips against him anyways, but she iswilling enough to cling, to cover as much of his body as she can with herwarmth. She has always been assertive but this is still a new level, a new perspectiveof her strength and he can’t-
“Is this good for you?” he asks, half-amazed that comes outcoherently.
“It’s been a while,” she replies, and she decides thatconversation is a good enough time to cover his face in soft kisses so shestays close. “But I think it’s good. I don’t… I’m not sure what to compare itto.”
“You were married.”
“And that was it. And it was niceto have that kind of baseline. I don’t... you know how long it’s been sinceI’ve let anyone new-“
“And you were desperate enough tochoose me.”
Her body clenches around him, andhe should know better than to try to provoke given their current state but somehabits don’t change.
“Wasn’t desperate. Thought morelike… how much time do we have left? How much regret do I want to die with?”
“And you would regret not…?”
He can’t process it, there is toomuch going on and he can’t…
She. Would. Regret. Him. This isthe part where his mind absolutely breaks, because the idea that anyone mightconsider not having done this a mistake is beyond comprehension and he-
“How do you think I’ve dealt withmy frustrations the past few months?”
More things well beyond his daydreams.“I tried not to think about that.”
“Well. You have good hands, and agood face, and a woman can hope…”
He would like to prove her so wrongright now. His hands feel near-useless – the choice of position here, her risingand falling above him and his relative and uncharacteristic passivity, was her ideaout of concern for his still-healing wrists. That had been how this started,however long ago it was and oh he has lost track of time and pacing. She was changingbandages, and then she kissed the other scar on his forearm from a different timehe’d done something unusually reckless half-motivated by an unrealized desirefor her respect and kindness, and then it escalated, and…
He loves her. This, far from thefirst time he’s done these acts with another human being but the first time it’smeant more than just collision and release, is an act of love.
“I can’t-“
“Don’t question me like this.”
And perhaps this is the power ofher, because he actually listens. No reason to try to fight her when instead hecan focus on everything else, her loose hair and subtle curves and comparativelack of damage and-
His body responds to this fasterthan he would like, and he hopes in that moment that he is not adisappointment.
She’s still more or less curledup on him when he comes down, still riding aftershocks and still looks pleasedwith herself, and it is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.
“You need anything?”
“That was enough for now. I didn’t…I got close, and that was weird enough. You can make it up to me later.”
And here he’d thought she’d be evenmore self-interested than he is on a mattress. “I’m offering. Really.”
“Let me deal with the newness ofthis on my terms. You can put your hands on me in a few minutes but not right thismoment.”
He’s not sure he believes her, astheir bodies separate but still she stays close. They are new and fragile andneither of them is at their best yet, and he knows how easily she ignoresherself and he-
This will be better than his past,he promises himself as they find comfort in each other in a different way. Thiswill be better than anything he’s ever done. There are no other options. Do rightby her or be destroyed.
Although, if destruction comes inthe fire of her… no better way to burn.
