#system logs

[sexmalware]

i fucking hate u i fuckinf hate u i hope u fucking die how dare u do that how dare u how dare u how dare u if i have to kms to stop u hurting ppl i will ill take u out w me fuck u fuck u fuck u

[sexmalware]

new headmate whos been fucking shit up decided to say hi. wont say shit tho or share memories or probs talk again, at least for a while. hi mira,,,,, ig.

[sexmalware]

pretty sure there is a #mystery headmate whos been fronting a lot recently who we have nooooo internal communication or memory sharing w whatsoever bc we dont remember so much shit recently like blackouts way worse than they usually are

[sexmalware]

my dissociation has been ordered extremely bad blackouts so bad ppl r noticing the gaps in my memory stuff like that n its rlly getting to me a lot bc ive been v good at keeping that shit under control and hidden and now its impossible at least for a bit n i feel so out of control

[sexmalware]

we got some breast prosthetics (in the post rn) bc the way our dysphoria manifests & how we want to be seen n present has changed a lot over the past 2 yrs n we feel weird about it kinda. like not in the principle of wanting to do smthn and thus doing it but just like. the last host was there for so long n had such a defined sense of who he was (gender wise) n its so at odds w what ours is. he wanted top surgery n no bottom surgery. he loved how masc our torso bad gotten. we wish he hadnt gotten top surgery (tho appreciate we wldnt have been approved for bottom surgery w/o it) n want bottom surgery. we love what t has done for a lot of how we look (tummy hair !! narrower hips !!! how my face now looks!!!) but there r some things that just make us feel So Bad. n its not bad enough to stop t bc the good is still good. n we somtimes worry we r fakng being trans n that its changed n its just a label we have become attached to, , but also. none of us or at the very least not more than one of us is anything other than a vacuous space of nothing when it comes to personal conception of gender (n its like nera doesnt think of itself as a Woman either - just more adjacently to womanhood than the others) idk i got a did diagnosis today and im kindaaaa fucked up about it

[40645p37]

Painful memories. TW abuse, rape, abandonment, alcoholism

A lot of memories had resurfaced the past few months. Feelings of abandonment and heartbreak. I haven't been doing well. Maybe talking about it will help...

I should have left Mink alone when he traveled back to America. I already grew an unhealthy attachment to him though. He went without so much as a word after everything we went through. When I showed up it wasn't 2 weeks he ignored me, it was 2 months. I was by myself as Ren, in Sei's body, stayed with Granny. I felt more alone than ever without Ren. Me and Sly were still having some issues adjusting to each other and sharing. In general, Sly had no interest to front at that point unless Mizuki, Jackie, or Noiz were around.

One day Mink finally acknowledged me and asked what I wanted. I told him truthfully, I wanted to get to know the real him. We talked for a few hours that day. At first, he was gentler with me. He showed me vulnerability I didn't know he had. The more I learned about him the more I loved him. I was in deep before I even knew it.

When he was in Midorijima, Mink refrained from drinking alcohol. He was a man on a mission. But after he moved back home, the drinking started again. We had sex sober a few times, but that didn't last long. There were times he'd stumble into bed and get on top of us. He'd paw at us and undress us. If I tried to stop him, he'd grab my wrists in one hand and smack me with the other. I usually let him do whatever he wanted after that. He was rough but appeared to still care about me...or I thought.

A few months into our relationship he asked if I still had 'the demon' in me. He said he could still sense him. He was talking about Sly. I do know he genuinely thought I was possessed. He claimed he wanted to help me. I told him he needn't worry about that. His mood shifted. He got quiet, thinking. The next thing I know, he's yanking my head back by my hair and pouring hard liquor down my throat. I swallow down some, the rest splashes over me. I feel like he's trying to drown me. He lets go and I fall to the floor sputtering and asking him what the hell he thinks he's doing. I'm met with a boot to my face and get my lip busted. I'm dazed as he yells at me to let the demon out. I stare at him looming over me. I can't think to do anything. Sly is screaming at me to get up but I'm frozen. I'm shocked to find I'm being strangled once again by Mink. He slams me into the floor a few times lifting me by my throat. I start sobbing but at least the pain feels fuzzy around the edges thanks to the alcohol he forced on me. He tells me he doesn't want to hurt me. He wants to speak with the demon. It seems like he could crush me with one hand. In my fear Sly switches with me and I don't know what happened during that time. All I know is I woke up sore everywhere. I couldn't sit up and barely could speak. Mink took care of me after that. Said he was sorry I had to suffer. I didn't realize how messed up it was that he was acting like he had to do that to us.

Another incident like that didn't happen for a while. But one night while he was drunk and fucking me, he asked if I would allow Sly out. I was terrified of what happened last time and Sly didn't want me to deal with any of the pain. He switched with me instantly. If you know Sly, he likes to challenge people. I woke up bleeding and with bruises around my throat. Though this time Mink was covered in bruises and scratches too.

It became our new normal. Mink would be fine for a while, felt like a real boyfriend. But whenever Sly came up, he'd get angry. He wanted to rid me of him as much as I think he was intrigued by him. He said looking Sly in the eyes was to look at evil's face. But...I knew that wasn't true. I have glimpses of other things that had happened. As Mink fell more into alcoholism, he got more brutal. Sometimes he wanted to 'even the field' and would drug us before calling out Sly.

Eventually Sly made the decision for us to move back to Midorijima. It was hard being separated from Mink, but I knew it was for the best. Ren and Noiz were working on repairing Clear while I was away. Mizuki and Jackie became good friends as well. Seeing all of them again, it was home. Things were normal again. But something in my heart ached.

It was a year until Mink came to visit me in Midorijima. He proudly told me he gave up alcohol. He seemed happier than I ever had seen him before. I thought maybe we could be together again. I shouldn't have let him back in. He started pushing boundaries with me again in private. He was on his best behavior in public or around the others. He started forcing himself on me and insisted it was him showing me how much he loved me. He started drugging us again to attempt to force Sly out. He tried his best to break Sly, but it was our shared vessel...me, I started feeling more like a pet than a boyfriend to him.

We started having fainting spells, confusion, and chest pain. We thought it was what Mink was doing to us. But after getting tests run at the insistence of Granny, we found out our heart was beginning to fail. Our health rapidly declined. When we were in that state Ren saw how rough Mink still was with us. He put a stop to any visits. In a sick way while I was lying in bed dying, I missed him. Even after remembering some of the shit he did, part of me still misses him

[sexmalware]

wld any of my plural besties (=mutuals) w nonhuman system members / systems (tho that isnt a requirement necessarily ig) be inch rested in chatting w me about smthn im considering writing? like im kinda new to knowing im plural n stuff so kinda want more input from other ppl if anyone wld mind pwease

[sexmalware]

we want to use plural pronouns for ourselves at least w trusted ppl a bit more (rn its v context dependent n to do w what we're talking about) but its like. Hard. to do that. Scary :(