Honestly this is something I think about constantly, like the thought of leaving by my own choice by my own hand is fine. I have 0 anxiety about it, but thinking about slowly just deteriorating and getting weaker and weaker and older and older with my mind still how it is now... in a body thats failing is absolutely gut wrenchingly terrifying.
If i do choose to slowly get old and wither away into a shell of the person I really am... ill eventually have to watch the 2 people that I love more then life itself leave me... and leave me here alone.... I dont think mentally i could handle it... I try to tell myself that it's okay everyone dies eventually... but I don't want to... ill never see the person I gave my life to... ill be alone wherever I go... ill have no memories, hell I barely have any now...Something when I get like this i try to find some kinda comfort and tell myself you are already grieving them and they're still here... maybe feeling like this will lessen the pain when it finally is their time...
For a person who is so relentlessly su1cidal i sure as shit have alot of anxiety around death, my anxieties about dying is only for the 2 important people in my life. I see death daily, both people trying to find an escape from this h3llh0l3 or by accident... I know my clients are people with loved ones and friends and Children and pets just like you and me, I'm able to dissociate and have another headmate tag in, they do what needs to be done... but this one the one that's fucking me up so bad.
This one i can't dissociate or separate myself from....
I feel so bad all the time, my mother just lost her life partner back in May; they had finally gotten to a healthy place in their relationship, stopped drinking, she was so happy... my abuser really did some damage not just on me but her too so finding someone who lived her unconditionally was really a life changer... seeing how quick life can change really fucked me up... hearing her cry for her soul mate was gut twisting...
I forgot what point I was trying to make, or what the hell im rambling on about but I dont fucking know yall...
if im being realistic I think this is bleed thru of my little; she's been going thru it since going trough the boxes of baby pics and having a SA memory forced thru to me... ive been doing my best to explain as well as I can, I Def think when she saw mom in such a way it was alot for her too keep and now it's alot of "im I going to die? Why do I have to get old? Why is the body aging im *insert age* ect" but then agian not everything i experience mentality / physically is from my DiD and my system.
I guess if you've made it this far I really appreciate you sm, like thank you so much for listening i know it was long and rambled on and on...
my toxic system trait is feeling that if I don't remember a trauma then there's no point whatsoever for it to be considered to possibly effect my present. if I don't know about it, how can it hurt me?
