#sysvents

[nosolacesys]

"if you dont reach out nobody will know you even exist"

*writes a msg to sympathise but deletes everything cause people could hate me if i do reach out*

im gonna die alone :)

[nosolacesys]

before he died

my father had to watch me become a failure

and now nothing has changed

im still the bottom of the barrel.

[nosolacesys]

i follow a blog that posts reasons not to end it...

i cant relate to a single one...

so yknow if theres no reason left for me, idk...

[nosolacesys]

will i ever stop feeling worthless

i know im garbage

i try not to be

its not looking good though

[nosolacesys]

i guess i deserve all this

[nosolacesys]

so i guess i rly am just worthless. i always get trapped in thinking that maybe now i couldve been a part of smth there but i guess not.

shoulda known.

[nosolacesys]

does anyone have tips with dealing with someone who seems rather ungrateful actually?

like i do a lot of things for my sister and today i was really productive and got some medication for her (i actually went to the pharmacy twice) when usually i have a lot of trouble stepping outside alone but today was just rly nice.

and then i didnt even get a fucking thank you. or even an acknowledgement. or even get asked about money... like i paid for all that myself... for her.

i just... dont want to entirely lose contact with her bc shes useful in other senses and i honestly like doing stuff for people, its just upsetting because she regards it like i did nothing. like my whole family goes shopping for her about twice a week because she lives a little further out from town and by now its regarded like nobody even does anything and then she has the audacity to complain about "oh im not helping people anymore because i never get anything back" but she does the exact same thing its really frustrating...

[nosolacesys]

im ngl, days have been very hard lately, im trying rly hard not to give into the suicidal thoughts but its hard when i continue feeling like i add absolutely nothing to this world.

i really wish i did.

but theres nothing i can rly do that well. we just do many things horribly. and everytime i learn that everything i think i did well is actually... not that good afterwards...

so theres rly no real reason to continue living. so its hard to fight when theres no real purpose to anything...

but i dont rly want to die either, i just... want to feel like im not completely useless to this world... so i try not to give in to these thoughts, but its hard...