#tabby whinging

[tabbydragon]

My old teacher coworkers are all texting me "happy summer," and "come to my BBQ so we can catch up," I'm having such an awful time tonight. I don't know if I'm ever going to feel good about leaving teaching. I needed to. I'm in a healthier place, physically and emotionally, but on days like this I feel like I'm never, ever going to be free of the guilt and shame.

[tabbydragon]

Everyone else’s lives are progressing and I’m going absolutely nowhere.

[tabbydragon]

New job!

So the library I’ve been subbing for offered me a ~30 hr/week position in their circulation department, which is a good thing. My creature-making is still in the early start up phase and the extra income will be very helpful.

So after about two hours of relief and excitement, I suddenly descended into Anxiety Hell and can’t seem to get out. I -cannot- seem to stop my brain from dredging up every single possible worst case scenario and I’m ready to scream.

What if this takes up too much time to continue to grow my art business, and that fizzles and dies? What if this is a terrible career move and I’m ruining everything. Ugh. Shut up, brain! Shut up!!

[tabbydragon]

Dear recipe sites and bloggers,

Please, for the love of puppies, put the ingredients list at the top of the page! Please don’t force me to scroll through three million photos, your entire life’s story, and several anecdotes not related to the recipe in any way.

I just want to know if I have the supplies to make this shit without my scroll wheel logging several miles!

[tabbydragon]

Me: Oh man, I actually slept WELL! I have energy! I'm going to get so much shit done!

Uterus: Self destruct sequence initiated. Core implosion in 5, 4, 3...

Me: ò..ó fml

[tabbydragon]

I think my computer just died. It's 7 years old and had the computer version of hip and knee replacements ages ago. But I still did not need this right now! >:(

[tabbydragon]

Today I got an actual job offer. The first since I started this mess… for 30 hours a week, paying, no lie, $500 a month. I feel so worthless.

Further whinging behind the cut 

Today my old coworker emailed me saying she wished I would come back and I feel like maybe I just should. They’re the only place that seems to want me. I should just suck it up like the rest of the world and go back. Everyone hates their job, and I was a selfish, greedy, idealistic fool to think I could do differently.

Today I got my first complaint that my creature prices were too high, despite the fact that after cost of supplies I’m charging less than minimum wage for the number of hours I put into them. The whole venture feels like a failure.

Today I got news that one of my favorite former students lost her dad in a horrible accident and because her mom has a horrible terminal illness she’s basically on her own now. She’s 15.

Today a group of people came to my house telling me to vote for Trump because he’ll repeal same sex marriage and make sure, “those [slur toward trans people] stay out of the goddamned bathrooms.” I was too afraid to tell them off. I was alone and there were four of them.

The world feels so dark and bleak today and I don’t know how I’m going to find the strength to face tomorrow.

[tabbydragon]

Have gotten a job rejection every morning this week. Can I please have a hug? ;_;