#tallyshaming

[horsefangs]

being in the exact demographic for the complications of the johnson and johnson vaccine, having recently been administered it five days ago. waa waa waaaaaaa.

[horsefangs]

i'm on antibiotics for like, the third infection in some part of my right hand in the past nine months. wahoo

[horsefangs]

like two years ago i caught a cold from traveling by train for a summer family get-together thing (or from the kids that attended). i had had what i suspected was some kind of infection for, like. a year. which i was being told was just my allergies. which was plausible, but, whatever. so i caught a cold and in the midst of this i scrolled past that minecraft fake taxi parody on social media and laughed myself into an uncontrollable coughing fit and that's how i developed severe bronchitis

[horsefangs]

i spent the past two weeks revamping my resume(s) to be ATS-friendly, pandemic-current, tip-toeing around my wildly varied job history, my employment gaps, and spiraling into madness

so i know it was not the content of my resume, but the appealing purple gradient i used in the headers and bold text that really made all of the difference in the end

[horsefangs]

i have a time-honored tradition of not recognizing the symptoms of medical issues for what they are, such as, not realizing i was Allergic To Everything until i was like 27 years old after spending a year coughing up phlegm and contracting severe bronchitis, and, more recently, thinking of days where i just could not take a full breath of air like they were a quirky allergy thing and actually now that i think about it. maybe that's a quirky asthma thing, huh

[horsefangs]

i laugh but my current minecraft skin is

everybody’s minecraft gf

[horsefangs]

‘what you been doing for like the past two months, tally’

the exciting world of unemployment and job searching

i had an interview last week for a pretty ideal job at a doggy daycare, my chances at which i recently jeopardized by admitting i have chronic insomnia problems bc i thought it might b irresponsible to say i am totally cool with random 6am shifts watching a pack of rowdy animals on no sleep which is, highly likely to happen ‘then why did you say you were available for those shifts’ i AM available it’s just certain parts of my brain are not!!!! ....... and i thought i would just deal but i thought it over and i decided it would be... better in the long run..... for me to let them know.... look i got my foot in the door and made them like me that’s something

‘you’re a fool’ yeah ok i’m an idiot

[horsefangs]

i just want dudes to leave me alone, im sick of roping myself into pseudo-dates-not-dates with guys i barely know, i’m sick of feeling like i’m leading someone on and going through the whole charade bc i have can’t turn strangers down for any reason, i’m sick of the plausible deniability of ‘let’s hang out’ when this person and i share no common interests, when it’s clear they’re not interested in being friends or maybe we’d have been talking over the course of weeks or months and not minutes

the more this happens the more i realize that i never have and maybe i never will have any sort of romantic interest in or attraction towards actual dudes, just weird dysfunctional feelings of entrapment that don’t seem liable to let up any time soon.

the concept of a relationship doesn’t NOT appeal to me and i’d date girls but it’s not like i really experience attraction, period, though, so how is dating in general supposed to work? what am i supposed to say? ‘hey, want to get into an experimental relationship with me while i figure out whether i’m sufficiently into you to date, and THEN if i’m comfortable enough with intimacy to actually reciprocate romantic feelings?’

so the answer to all of this is, probably, therapy, at some point