THE WAY WE LOVE (TARA CARPENTER X FEM!READER)
A/N: Thank you to all the people that read this lil series I created in my head, I'm glad you liked it and hope you also like this last part. Also, this is the longest part I ever wrote so yeah...enjoy.
Summary: This is the end, finally all that was broken starts to get fixed, the chains that tied each other are no longer here, and we will have to imagine what the future brings next.
Warnings: Not proofread, English isn't my first language, a bit rushed (?), I'm re-watching Bojack Horseman (iykyk).
| PART 1 | | PART 2 | |PART 3| | PART 4 |
It’s been a couple of weeks since that party, things haven’t been the same…and it’s all my fault.
After Y/N left me in the kitchen that night, I went to my room and started contemplating everything that happened and all the things that went wrong: the way I lied, the way I was, the way I felt.
Looking at the ceiling, I started replaying in my mind every conversation she and I had since all of this started. No more movie nights, no more sleepovers in my room with Sam constantly making sure we weren’t doing anything too “explicit”, getting breakfast together, drinking a cup of coffee while cuddling and telling each other what our day would have in store. Did I gave all that away for a false sense of freedom? I kept holding onto something that was never real, a facade…I didn’t just lie to all the people I love and used to care about, I also lied to myself.
I spent so much time looking into the past that I didn’t realize I had a future right there waiting for me, but I pushed it away, I went away blindly and ended up falling into the darkness that was now consuming myself.
Sam also started acting different, or maybe she did a long time ago and I recently realized, I knew that Y/N told her what happened, I could see in her eyes the disappointment and hurt that her heart was reflecting, and instead of talking about it, I just hid into my room like the coward that I’ve been all this time. I didn’t want to confront her, because talking to her would confirm how I screwed up things, and that the new cracks that were forming around us were all because of me.
There once was a time, when everything happened in Woodsboro, that I became the missing piece to that puzzle that made everything fit together. I was the reason why Sam and Y/N joined forces and stopped their fighting to save what was most important to them: Me.
I never told them how I hated to feel that way, feel that I was so important. That I questioned their decisions and loyalty to me; when it was my own close friend and her crazy boyfriend, the ones that tried to kill us. That I fell into her manipulation and tricks, and that at some point, I even fell for her.
There was a time when I fell for the girl who had my back and took care of me as if I was the most beautiful thing she ever saw, and how I craved to be exactly what she thought I was, only to end up being that same person that ended her own light, ended the darkness that consumed her, the one that was now consuming me.
But again, I didn’t told Y/N and Sam many things, I didn’t even apologized nor asked for forgiveness, because in reality, I felt like I wasn’t deserving of that, I felt frustrated, not at being caught anymore, not at having to miss the next parties there were, I was frustrated at myself, and I kept thinking…how could they forgive me if I can’t really forgive myself? How can I ask for something I don’t even think I deserve? I wanted to remain locked in my room drowning in my own emotions, I wanted to pay for all the damage I did.
One week after what happened in the kitchen, Y/N moved out and started living with Mindy and Anika.
Could I blame her? No. But did it hurt? Yes. It felt like a brick being thrown my way, the consequences of my actions were finally here.
You know…In those days I spent loathing myself for what I did, I started to feel some kind of comfort, I started feeling some sort of peace with my emotions and the hurt that I caused, and also created for myself. I think it’s possible to heal a bit faster when you are the one who made the mistakes, because it makes you frustrated at yourself, for what you did and what you broke, and with that, you can understand a bit more how to get better, because the problem isn’t someone else, it’s you, it’s only you. But just because it’s less harder, doesn’t mean it’s easier. When someone makes a mistake in which you didn’t had nothing to do with, you sometimes wish it kinda was, you start searching for what you could have done to prevent it, because you can understand how to get help; but when it is the fault of others, you are stuck, because you can’t heal for them, you don’t have the answers, you don’t know which are the rights tools. So yes, I hate myself for what I did, and I also hate myself because out there: my friends, Sam and my girlfriend…if she even is anymore, are now in that position of trying to understand why I did what I did, and how they also contributed to it. I hate myself, because I made them doubt their friendship, their support and their actions…I made them doubt the love they gave me.
Classes went as usual, just without me in them. I tried to avoid my friends the best I could, I was ashamed of how I dragged them into this, and being honest, I don’t think they wanted to see me either, because it was so easy to get away with not being seen. I spent time hiding at the library, just grabbing whatever book I could find and pretending to read it while my head was in a different place. Maybe a few hours passed and there weren’t many people around, it was just me and three other students scattered in the library. I stood up and went to return the book I grabbed, but when I started searching where did I even get it from, I saw her right there, Y/N. When she saw me, she froze in place, I could see how her brain was starting to think in a possible reaction to my presence, but how would that be possible? We became strangers, I became a different person, there was no possible way of expressing all that with a simple look, but it was the first time I remained there in my place and stood my ground, the first time I wanted to actually do something and get close. By the time I took a step forward, I could see how she started panicking, giving me a nervous smile and then just disappearing fast. I know I should have seen that coming, deep inside I knew it was going to happen, but I guess you can’t ever truly prepare for that pain in your chest. I started to feel angry, but this time, it wasn’t at myself.
My feelings were starting to change, because this time, it wasn’t me the one that decided to pull away, it was also her, I felt so confused and trapped, because I was now the one who wasn’t at control of what to do, what to hide and what to try and fix of myself, I was the one questioning what does looks could mean, what would her thoughts be…if she missed me just like I did.
I remember getting home that day with a tight knot in my throat, with tears about to spill from my eyes and drench my face, that’s when I realized I wasn’t just hurting, I was grieving too. I was grieving what I lost that day and didn’t know was slipping away from me. With every drink and every lie, I slowly started killing what I used to believe was the happiness of my life, I was deep into the idea that I was being dragged into a rabbit hole with the protection and insecurities that were being thrown at me, I was blind to how the comments of the past weren’t a punishment, but a warning.
Sam was in the kitchen, just staring at me without saying anything, but I had enough of it, I was tired of the looks and how I trapped myself into my own torture and gatekeep my feelings just for myself. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to get on my knees and let myself be broken. Maybe that was what I was missing, I never shared this pain, I never let anyone look behind my cracks, I wanted to believe I was fine, I wanted to be normal, I wanted to act like a person of my age, I wanted what so many people had and didn’t even knew was such a privilege, I wanted to erase the scars of the past in fear of how the world would see me, and I didn’t know at that time that the only people that truly mattered where the people that stayed for those same reasons.
She gave me a final look, and started heading straight to her room. I broke.
“Are you still going to give me the silent treatment?!” I yelled, and she stopped. “I know, alright?! I know that I messed things up, and I won’t forget that. I know that my actions were wrong, and that I hurt you, I hurt our friends, and I hurt her. But please, stop looking at me like that!” She didn’t move, not facing me. “When will it be enough?! I hurt her, I know, but is it really hard to see I am hurting too? Ever since Woodsboro, I’ve been drowning without seeing the light for so much time. I know it doesn’t justify my actions, nor do I want an excuse for what I did. I need help, I want your help…why can’t you just help me?! Instead of looking away, instead of just siding with her. I haven’t been grateful, you came back for me and I pushed you away. You sacrificed so much for me and I just wanted to get away from you.” I started walking towards her while the tears started to flow, I was finally letting go, I was swimming to the surface. “I know you don’t know how to approach me, and the truth is, I don’t know either! I know I’m not easy, I know I’m not the best sister, but you are all the family that I have. I wanna get better, I wanna be better. So please…I wanna be sisters again, I wanna mend what I broke. I love you, Sam, thank you for everything you’ve done, I’m sorry I’ve been hurting you so much, I just can’t stop doing what I only know.”
She finally turned, didn’t say a word, but the tears that stained her shirt and made her face shine gave all away, she gave me a hug, and we broke down together, we cried our hearts out while still holding each other tight, it was a pact and a promise, of staying together, starting again, we showed each other our insecurities and fears, we crumbled and let our walls be destroyed. I couldn’t help but smile at that, I felt relieved, a weight was being lifted, but there was so much more to do. After calming ourselves down, Sam then just said something that I knew was inevitable.
“So yeah, that’s basically the reason why I’m here.”
Tara was now with her friends, all sitting in the apartment living room. It’s been a month since the party, and one week since Tara started going to therapy, and things surely have changed; she stopped drinking, going to parties, participating more in classes, putting her whole life as a priority and trying to put herself together. Sometimes it’s hard, sometimes it feels as if there is no use to get better if Y/N isn’t there to see how Tara has changed, but at the same time, she knows it would be hard for you to see the new version of her, because the person she is now will be a reminder of the person she used to be, you would see how things are and think about how actually bad everything was before, how she treated you…and that scares her, but she then remembers what her therapist said:
“I don’t think I will be capable of change, what if I relapse or I do something wrong again? It’s hard…this is hard, why does it have to be hard? Will it ever be easy to be the person I want to be? The new me, the better me, sometimes I just wish there was an easier path for this, that I could fix things like I broke them, easily…” That’s what she said during one of her sessions, being overwhelmed with the negativity that was still around her heart and clouded her mind.
“It will get easier, Tara. Every day it will get a bit easier. But you gotta keep doing it every day…and that’s the hard part.”
And since that moment, she knew she had to keep going, to not dwell on the past so she could live the present and wait for the future to arrive. That was the reason why she was here with her friends, she wanted to make things right, she wanted her friends back, her life back, but at the same time, she also wanted you back, there by her side.
“I know that things haven’t been the same since that night…I know that my actions hurt you deeply, I lied to all of you and I made you be part of my stupid scheme to go out and get drunk every single day, that I pulled you away from Sam and Y/N because of that, and I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She started saying, looking into the eyes of everyone that was there: Sam, Mindy, Anika, Chad. “I hurt you, and there is no excuse for that, my actions were wrong and I’m trying to work on that so I can get better and be the friend you all deserve, so please…”
“Wait, Tara…” Mindy extended her hand and stopped Tara. And at that moment she started thinking that maybe they didn’t want to hear it, that maybe they were done with her, maybe it was over… “You shouldn’t be the only one to apologize.” What? “Yes, you did some things that weren’t okay, but we also had our faults. Even if you told us to not disturb Sam and Y/N, we didn’t even try to contact them or reach them, ask how they were and everything. We didn’t help you or make you slow down with the alcohol, we didn’t protect you nor made sure after those parties you were really safe. Yeah, sure, you did all those things for yourself, but we also didn’t worry about you, we let things get out of hand from our side. I’m sorry, Tara, we were also bad friends.” Mindy said with a grimace and a bit awkward, guess everyone had something to apologize for, and with that, Tara felt a bit relieved, to know that they weren’t there to put everything on her, to question or shame her, no…they also cared and reflected on what went on, it felt good to know she wasn’t the only one fighting this battle, and that in the future, they could use this to fix what might get broken…but that would be a conversation for another day if it ever happens.
“We are also sorry, Sam. Even if Tara told us those things first and we believed them, you are also our friend, we should've looked out for you too. A text, a voicemail, even just a small call or get here to say hello. We should have tried at least, be there for you as you were also there for us, please forgive us too.” Chad expressed and waited for Sam to say something.
“Thank you guys, but well, I can’t really blame you all. I know I also have done some questionables things in the past. Honestly, I think if I kept doing those things, I would have ended up being the one pushing you all away, but by my own actions.” Sam then just let out a sigh and looked at every single one of them in the eyes for a moment. “I also have to thank Y/N for being there for me, she was the one that helped me to go to therapy, I don’t think I would have been able to help Tara after if she didn’t help me get better for me and all of you.”
“Y/N was also the ones that talked with us about apologizing” Anika finally spoke and Mindy along with Chad nodded. “We all were so confused about everything that happened…” She then looked at Tara who was now a bit uncomfortable, but provided her with a reassuring smile. “We didn’t know what to do, Y/N was the first person we apologized to, but by talking with her and everything, we ended up realizing we were all to blame at some point, we all made mistakes, but we shouldn’t be ashamed of them, because everyone does mistakes, it’s part of being human, but what makes you grow and heal, is owning up to them and embrace them as they were.”
Tara didn’t know what to say at that, she didn’t know how you could be and what would you even be thinking, she had so many questions surrounding her mind. Did you think of her? Did you miss her? How are you doing? Did you move on?...Did you stop loving her?
“How is she doing?” Sam asked, seeing how Tara wasn’t able to ask herself.
“She’s been silent about it.” Said Mindy without explaining any further.
“I need to talk with her.” Tara finally said with a knot on her throat. You were the last person to whom she needed to apologize, and being honest with herself, the one that deserved it the most. You were always there for her, you stayed for so long and saw how she started fading away from you, you saw her change in front of your eyes. She needed to make things right, she needed to be okay with you, she just needed you, she still loves you.
But did you love her too?
Alright. Everything came down to this moment, what she has been waiting for. With the help of her friends, she invited you over to the park so you both could talk about everything. Tara was a bit surprised at how easy it was for both your friends to convince you about hearing her out, but well, that meant you wanted to talk too, and that’s what made her a bit more confident about this whole plan. She was sitting on a bench, fidgeting with her hands and trying to think what she would say and in what order, would she apologize straight ahead? No wait, she should say hi first, or maybe follow that with an opening question, maybe just ask how you’ve been, why was this so…
Tara took a moment to look at you, see any sign of possible discomfort, or anything else, but she saw nothing, you looked…good, fine even. “Hi…” She started saying, getting up from the bench and approaching you. “How are you?” You just shrugged and smiled awkwardly, guess it’s easier to judge a book straight by its cover, but she appreciated how you were trying to be honest. She motioned you to sit by her side on the bench, and after a moment of silence, she spoke again. “Thank you for meeting me here. I thought it would be a nice place to apologize and talk things out, without the guys or just Mindy trying to spy” Tara tried to joke, an effort to lighten up the mood since she was still so nervous about you being that close to her, she missed that feeling of your presence surrounding her.
“True.” You chuckled nervously and looked away. “It’s a beautiful night, good choice.” You tried to say it in the same joking manner as her. Tara left a sigh of relief at that, but she didn’t want to pass any more time without addressing the elephant in the room, she already spent so much time running away from that.
“I’m sorry…for what I did.” Your face dropped and just looked away, but she needed to continue, she needed to get this off her chest. “I know that I made things difficult between us, I made things difficult for us. You always were there for me, since Woodsboro, after what…” She stopped for a second and swallowed. “After what happened with Amber.” The way you tensed at the mention of her, the name being a reminder of what happened back there, of what she did, what she meant for Tara and it was also a wall that Tara put between you both. You never wanted to burden her with your questions about it, but it was clear she meant so much to her, but she was now dead, you weren’t, and even so, it was as if sometimes she was still there, she haunted your mind and heart.
“Is that why you did it? Because of the memories? Was Amber the reason for it?” You asked, but there was no demand in your voice, there was: fear, curiosity. Tara knew that she had to talk about it, she was the one that brought the topic, she mentioned it with her therapist too, she needed to be free of the restraints that she created for herself, she wanted to start fresh and be reborn again; be free and safe, able to confide in you like she always wanted, not pull you away, but closer.
“I guess? In some type of way, I think I still felt some sort of way about her…Not romantic or anything!” She said fast before you could get the wrong idea. “I think I just felt guilty for still feeling sad about her death, I just couldn’t believe she could have done that the people I loved the most, that someone I used to have in such a high place could do all that, but I should have known, she also had her dark side, I guess I should have stopped expecting her to be the best person I thought she could be, in that way, it would have hurt less…” Tara snorted at that, she must have sounded so stupid by saying this out loud.
“We have that feeling in common now.” You said in a whisper and she just looked at you. “I guess it’s true what they say about mistakes, huh? If you don’t learn from them you are doomed to repeat history all over again, but I guess in this story, the roles totally changed. You hurt me, Tara, you hurt me deeply.” Confessing your own emotions and proving what she has been dreading to hear the whole night, she felt defeated at the truth of all the damage she caused. “But even so, I can’t blame you either.” She looked surprised. “I knew that you were hurting, I knew that you were keeping things from me, I knew and I still didn’t say anything, because the truth was that, I didn’t even know how to talk to you, it’s like at some point we ended up being so far away from each other that we lost the ability to communicate. I didn’t know you and you didn’t know me, we just fell into a routine and started to pretend, you might have lied to everyone, but I lied to myself, I thought everything could be fixed by just giving you time, by not pushing you nor pressuring you to talk, but what I did was just making you get more comfortable to leave. I’m sorry, Tara. I failed us both.” Tears started streaming down your face and you covered your mouth to hide the constant sobs that were now exiting your mouth, Tara at seeing this got close to you, and without caring for the possible boundaries there might be, she hugged you.
“No, no, no. Please don’t do this, don’t make this about yourself when it was both of us the ones at wrong, you might have given me the chance to leave, but I was the one that took that choice in the first place, I was so confused and caged, that I started blaming the wrong person for it, you were never the one that imprisoned me, Y/N. I did it, we did it.” She cried too, finally letting everything out. She patted your back at seeing how you were also breaking in front of her.
“I’m sorry…” You said in a whisper and pulled away to look at her.
“I’m sorry too..” She said, and in the middle of all the silence that suddenly made its presence, you both couldn’t help but laugh, a sincere laugh of relief, knowing everything had been said and finally you both were free from the cells you locked yourself into. From the broken glass that was this bond, you both could finally see among the cracks the beauty that was hiding from all that pretended, the true colors that were waiting to show into each other's eyes, seeing both sides of the coin. Your fears, your insecurities, your doubts, finally being seen and taken care of, you saw each other with another light, and even if it wasn’t perfect, that’s what made it beautiful. “Would you take me back?” Tara finally asked with a smile not only in her face, but also in her soul, she could feel it, radiating and warming up her whole body. You smiled.
“I never stopped being yours.”
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Y/N: So…did anyone move into the apartment after I left?
Tara: Not yet, but Sam told me that a person contacted her, so we are going to have an interview next week.
Y/N: Nice, what’s their name?
Tara: Some girl called Quinn.
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See you in the next fic? I have some more ideas and characters of Jenna to write for, so hope you stay to see what will come.
