#tbbjournal

[thatmamablog]

We're having another daughter! :)

[thatmamablog]

Dumb Fears

I still harbor an irrational fear that I’m pregnant with twins. I’ve had four ultrasounds, another next week, and my rational brain knows there’s just one baby. But my stupid overactive imagination keeps going, “But what if?...”

[thatmamablog]

HALLOWEEN IN 111 DAYS

 I am already planning Halloween costumes!

I so so so want to dress Naomi as Alice in Wonderland this year because with her white blond hair and gorgeous blue eyes she’d be the cutest thing ever, but she’s super interested in either a robot or a puppy costume. I’ll do whatever it is she wants cause it’s her choice but c’mon, child. You’re messing with my aesthetic! :p Last year she was an adorable blue dinosaur and the year before that she was a 50′s poodle skirt girl and the year before THAT she was a skeleton (she was two months old and i had a skeleton sleeper. creativity was not foremost in my mind).

Jake won’t wear a costume because he has no sense of fun AT ALL. But I’m gonna do something that takes advantage of my growing belly. I saw a cute kangaroo costume but I’m still researching. The fun is just dressing up! 

Halloween is my favorite. It’s the best holiday and I will fight you on that.

[thatmamablog]

18 Weeks Today

This is gonna start out as a grumpy post. And it’s long. You’ve been forewarned.

I’m so so over pregnancy. Already.

I was pretty miserable while pregnant with Naomi, but nothing like this. I mean, it turns out I was dying of untreated hyperemesis gravidarum so at least there is a legit reason for me to be so miserably unhappy with this pregnancy. Even on the steroids that are currently managing my HG (allergic to all anti-nausea meds!), I’m still nauseous and so so tired. Plus throw in an extremely active, minimally verbal, nearly three year old and around 1600 I start counting down the hours until bedtime! (hers and mine; as soon as she’s in bed, I’m in bed.)

BUT, on the bright side, here are some things I am grateful for.

1. Only two weeks ago, before my hospital admission, I had been on self imposed (body imposed really) bed rest for nearly three months. I was keeping down one meal about every three days and a few sips of water every day. I was regularly vomiting blood and bile and had lost 20lbs in one month. TODAY, I ran some light errands, made a quick and easy dinner, kept down that yummy dinner and was able to enjoy splashing in puddles with my toddler.

2. Weeks ago I couldn’t even look at a screen for long without triggering vomiting or a migraine and now I’m able to browse the internet if I want!

3. A week from tomorrow we find out whether we’re having a girl or a boy! And despite being initially against wanting to find out the sex (we didn’t with Naomi), I am actually really looking forward to finding out baby number three’s gender! (we always just assume Sunny was a girl. I lost her too young to know for sure but it’s the feeling I have in my heart.)

4. Naomi starts school in a month so I’ll have a couple hours to myself every day so I can nap or bathe alone (oh the novelty!) and she’ll be having a blast working with her speech therapist and playing with friends.

5. It’s been so awesome to see how people have come around to help when they realized how sick I was. Poor Jake was being mom and dad on top of working a full time job and I know it was wearing on him. Plus seeing your spouse waste away in front of you can’t be fun. But with people delivering meals a couple times a week, picking up Naomi for play dates so I can rest and our families bringing groceries and running errands, I feel like some of the light has come back into our lives.

So there. I’ve convinced myself it’s not all bad right now. But I really am over pregnancy. :-P December is going to be a welcome relief!

[thatmamablog]

Cycle 18. CD 1.

I think that says it all.

[thatmamablog]

November 9, 2016

Cycle 17. CD 25, 12 dpo. Blood test results came back yesterday, and yes, I did ovulate. I was expecting to ovulate because Femara has worked so well for me, so I don't feel any particular way. Now I just wait to see if the egg was fertilized! Not excited for today. Indiana was a red state, per the usual. There's just so much anger and fear and I'd like to just go to a happy place and ignore the world. On today's agenda while Naomi is at school is a shower, some little errands and maybe a nap.

[thatmamablog]

November 7, 2016

Cycle 17. CD 23, 10dpo. At 9dpo, I got positives for both Naomi and Sunny but I no longer test earlier than the day of my missed period. It took almost a year and a half for me to stop testing early. :p Had my blood test today to see if I ovulated this cycle. I almost don't want to know because knowing I ovulated (multiple eggs!) last cycle just got my hopes up that I might be pregnant, and I wasn't. Stupid freaking time change. Naomi was in bed asleep at 1835, an hour before her usual bedtime. But of course to her it feels like it IS her bedtime because two days ago 1835 WAS 1935. Blegh. I decided not to fight her tonight because we were both so exhausted. I'm tired and currently lying in bed watching old seasons of America's Next Top Model. I can't believe I'll be 29 in a week.

[thatmamablog]

Cycle 17. CD 20, 7dpo

Speaking in code up there. 😂 Not feeling any particular way about this cycle. I hope I am pregnant but I don't believe it's actually possible any more. But I'm not sad (today). I just feel neutral. I wish infertility was something I could fight. But there's nothing I can do. Medicine and surgeries give the illusion of fighting back, but really, it's all chance. I'm trying to be okay with that. The hardest part of this cycle is that my period is set to arrive on my 29th birthday. I don't know how I'll handle that. I'm dying for a distraction, but money is too tight to do anything. I feel pretty lonely.