“Of all the times to be logical, please be logical right now.”
Pairing: Tech x Dr. Sjael Drummer (OC)
Word count: 3,957
Prompts: Let me in/Whisper/After a Fight
Rating: Teen
Content warning: Pregnancy/birth discussion, medical experimentation talk.
Summary: Tech and Sjael Drummer finally have a moment to talk alone, by themselves, in the Drummer family compound on Medina Station.
(Read the link here, or below: Far Past The Ring - Chapter 20)
Thanks again @clonexocweek
Tech walked across the hall to Sjael’s room, the door of which was covered in various chemical chains. He heard Sjael grumbling in Lang Belta to Meg, who whined to her mother in their language. After a few minutes of silence behind the doors, he steered himself, and knocked.
Sjael opened the door, her eyes exhausted and her brow furrowed with irritation.
“Teki, I just put my daughter to bed, I need to take a breath, we can talk later.” Sjael said as she began to shut the door, but Tech put his foot down to stop it.
The clone stood up taller, “That was incorrect. I believe you said… Your daughter?”
“Yes?” Sjael replied, in a tone that was both irritated and protective.
The clone adjusted his goggles, “You mean our daughter, is the correct term. And this is the second time you have said something like that to me, as if that child is not mine. Why?”
Sjael frowned at him, her tired, dark eyes giving away her anger. Tech found it hard to meet them. He stared at her eyebrows, instead.
“Of all the times to be logical, please be logical right now,” she angrily hissed at him, “You just showed up, after years of being away. Meg doesn’t recognize you as her father! She runs to Timon before she even looks at you! Didn’t you see how she shrank when you tried to touch her the first time?”
Tech’s face did not move. She is being perfectly rational, all of that is true, all of that makes sense.
Then why are her words so incredibly painful to hear? Why is my chest hurting and my face feels like it’s about to rip itself in half?
Sjael sighed, her eyes downcast.
“That was wrong of me to say, Teki. I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault…none of this is your fault. I was the one that ran from you. You were the one that was left behind, and caught, trapped, by the Protomolecule, trying to get to me. To us. In a journey that was days for you, and years for me.”
“I am glad you understand it,” said Tech, avoiding Sjael’s eyes. Although his voice was slow, and deep, it timbered slightly, as if he was on the verge of tears.
Neither spoke, until Tech touched the door, speaking barely above a whisper.
“May I come in? I won’t wake her, I promise.”
Sjael nodded, and opened the door to her studio. Her living space in the Drummer family unit in Medina Station was small, but cozy. The walls were filled with plants of various kinds, with multiple pieces of carved wood and pottery hanging from the sides. Where there wasn’t a plant, there was a picture in a frame, including many of the shots of the forests from Station 47. A screen filled one wall, with a desk and lamp next to it, with a computer and notebooks. Tech noticed that next to the desk, was a small box of toys as well.
He walked over to one of the wooden pieces, hanging next to a long leafed plant, and spun it.
A series of floor pillows sat next to the large bed, which was covered in a quilt, patterned with a massive star. A little plug in the wall sent out a soft, amber scent into the air.
The entire place was warm, quiet, and organic. It was the exact opposite of every starship bedroom Tech had ever seen in his time as a soldier for the Republic.
“Where’s Meg?” asked Tech softly. Sjael motioned to a door, which she opened. They both peered into the little girl’s room. The toddler was sleeping in a white bed, underneath a haphazardly knitted blanket, clearly one of the first made by Tro. Beautiful old drawings of flower diagrams filled her wall, making it seem larger than it actually was. Her room was small, but enough for a dresser with books, a double picture frame, and stuffed toys. Tech and Sjael closed the door. Walking towards the bed, they both sat down.
Sjael picked up one of her large pillows, and laid on top of it. Tech moved to hold her hand, but decided against it. Steeling his nerves, Tech took a deep breath.
“Why did you do it?” He asked. Sjael looked at him, kneading her pillow.
“Why did I leave Station 47? Because the mission was over. I got the biological data needed, and I figured it was enough for the postdoctoral research, which it was. I also listed the system as having hostile lifeforms, too, so that way no one would question why I left so early. Finally, I pulled medical leave due to being pregnant, which my committee quickly agreed to.”
“A couple of months of testing was enough to prove a system wasn’t good enough to settle? Was it enough for research?” Tech adjusted his goggles, “You know the real question, though. Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”
Sjael pursed her lips, and began playing with her long dark braid.
“I wanted to tell you, planned to tell you, before Hunter threatened me at knifepoint. I was terrified, because so many Belter women lose their babies early. Not only that, I figured the symptoms I was having was because of the stress of the new planet. In fact, everything that was happening, I attributed to the atmosphere on Station 47–the queasiness, being tired, being more emotional, not menstruating. It was all the symptoms of a body adjusting on a new planet, so I concluded that must be the cause. Especially since you are a clone, I did not think you were that fertile. But it always stood in the back of my mind.”
“And then you took the test.”
“And then I took the test.”
There was silence. She looked up at him.
“But you knew, you knew before I left. How?”
Tech thought about the video that he recorded on his thermal detector. He did not know how to tell Sjael that he watched that video almost every day since she had departed from the station.
“My thermal detector on my helmet showed me our daughter the day you left,” Tech explained quietly, “When I looked at you, outside of the Idunn, it showed a heat sensor in your abdomen. And it showed a heartbeat.”
Sjael’s brows knit. Tech sighed.
“You are not completely faultless here,” he explained, “I should have stopped you, stepped in, and talked Hunter out of what he did. Instead, I went on a long walk, away from everything. I did not know what to say–I knew clones could possibly have children, but I never thought I could, or would, have one. And I did not know what to do—I thought of all the scenarios, and none was safe or secure enough for me. Life was difficult where we were, just avoiding the Empire and protecting Omega–the thought of adding another child–the child I was responsible for making–and her mother, made me angry at myself, as well as panic. And you know me–I do not panic.”
“No, you do not.”
“I had no idea what to do–and not knowing the correct answer sent my mind racing in a way I had never experienced before,” Tech said, looking at his hands,“I almost always plot the course of action, I always know the correct outcome, but not then. Still, Hunter had no right to make the call that he did.”
“But what would we have done?” Sjael asked, putting her pillow against her face, “There’s no way Hunter would have agreed to go to the Ring just then, especially since he thought I was trying to manipulate you, kidnap Omega, or be a spy for the Empire.”
“That was ridiculous that he thought that,” Tech said, his voice flat, but tinged with anger, “I do not know if I can forget that he ever did that.”
“Please do,” Sjael responded, her voice filled with sadness, “This entire thing, everything that’s happened, it was my fault.” Tech looked down at her, confused.
“Your fault? How?”
“I should have respected your boundaries, and left you alone,” Sjael continued, not looking at Tech, “I should not have touched you. Hunter reminded me of that. Though when he said that you were just something for me to play with, and not the person I care about so deeply, cut me worse than any knife of his could.”
Care, she said, not cared. She still feels something.
“You did not, do not even think that way,” Tech responded, shaking his head, “We wanted each other. It was clear from the moment we kissed on your ship. Logically, why would I keep coming back to you if I did not…did not want to be close to you?”
Sjael took a breath, her freckled cheeks turning a bright red.
“Hunter was not incorrect…part of the reason I wanted to kiss and touch you initially, was because I wanted to feel someone else besides Toivo. I couldn’t stop thinking about him that day, and how I just wanted him gone from my head. I just wanted to forget my ex-fiance.”
Just wanted to forget my ex fiance . Tech heard the words like a punch in the gut.
“But I didn’t expect you to be…you.”
Tech looked at her, his stomach feeling off, yet again.
“To be me?”
Sjael smiled up at him. He still found it hard to look at her eyes, and stared at her mouth, instead.
“Do you remember the first thing you did, after we first got naked and had fun the first time, in my ship?” she asked. Tech looked at the wall again.
“Remind me.”
“You immediately asked about my vanilla orchid. The one by my bed.”
“Well, why wouldn’t I? It was a fascinating new plant, and one clearly special to you, if you slept by it. I also traced the chemical equations on your neck as well.”
And I want to do that again, but I am terrified of touching you, because I think you will ignore me or shrink from me, the exact way our child has done today, Tech thought, his face pounding, his heart feeling like it was shredding against his ribcage. He wished he could take it out and mend it like a broken part of an engine.
Hunter, I know you did what you did to protect us, but you shattered so much in your quest to keep us safe.
“Exactly,” Sjael said softly, “You wanted to know what I knew. I wasn’t a body to have fun with, a girl to adore you, I was an equal who you wanted to engage with, to share knowledge with. And do you remember what you gave me afterwards?”
“The chain code, so the Empire would not bother you.”
Sjael nodded, “You gave me a piece of technology to protect me in space–the most Belter of Belter gifts anyone could have thought of. It was as if fate had put you in my place. I had never had that–someone so bright, so energetic, and so protective, just wanting to engage with me, to talk about science, life, and knowledge. It was as if I found the perfect representation of the Belt, of my people, across the universe. Tech…I just wanted to be with you, and nothing else.”
They were both silent. I want that too, I feel that and I want that too, Sjael. And I want to touch you and hold you, and stay with you, but I am too nervous to say any of that because I do not know the outcome and that scares me so badly , thought Tech.
Instead, he cracked his knuckles, and rested his chin on his hands.
“What do you want to do now?” He asked, “If we are safe here, what do you think we should do next? Serve as corps members with Draper?”
“You deserve the right to be here,” sighed Sjael, “And we will figure out your role here tomorrow, after we’ve all slept tonight. But Tech, there’s something I wanted to show you.”
He looked over at Sjael as she sat up, and reached over to her bedside, taking out her data pad. From the screen, she opened up a photo album that read ‘Amulof’. Tech quickly noticed, in the organization of the album, there was a sub album simply labeled ‘Mi Tekimang’. Next to it, was another labeled ‘Mi Omega’. Sjael gently tapped on it. A series of other albums appeared as soon as she did. She clicked on the first one.
Tech leaned over, getting closer to Sjael, as she opened up the first album.
“I thought you deserved to see these pictures,” she said.
“What are they?”
“They are of Meg when she came into this world,” Sjael replied, softly, handing the data pad to the clone. Tech took it, his hands slightly trembling.
The image was not what he expected. Sjael was naked, her skin covered in sweat, her eyes bright red, and her long hair in a messy bun. Blood was streaked across her torso, her breasts were lopsided and swollen, as was her stomach. Her face was a twisted combination of both joy and incredible pain. In her arms, she clutched a long, thin newborn, who was perfectly still and a deep shade of blue.
“I did not know that Belters were born that color,” mused Tech.
“They aren’t,” Sjael said, sadly, “Meg was born with the cord wrapped around her neck. She wasn’t breathing.”
Tech sucked his breath in through his teeth. Sjael leaned over and flicked to the next picture, which was Tanke, dressed in scrubs, holding a now pink and screaming Meg, with a bulb in the infant’s nose.
“Tanke was protective of me, always has been. You’ve seen that. Of course she was going to be the same way for our daughter.”
“What did she do to save Meg?”
“No technology. Just suction, and a solid few rubs with a thick towel. Hearing her cry was the biggest relief of my life.”
Sjael took a deep breath. “The entire time I labored with her, I thought I was going to rip in half. The pregnancy was fine, until the last months, when my body struggled to keep carrying Meg. My muscles and bones felt like they were breaking and tearing daily to keep up with growing her. It was clear she was not fully Belter in the last months inside of me..”
“It is very clear that she inherited whatever genes I have for her skeletal and cardiovascular system,” Tech said, feeling both guilty–and proud. Sjael nodded.
“I had no idea what risk I was taking,” she said, “Until my last trimester with her inside of me. So many Belter women have problems with delivering just Beltalowda children, thanks to our lives in lower gravity. We have fragile bones, our aortic valves are easier to tear, and our wombs infinitely more prone to rupture. So many have died with their infants inside of them, or shortly after giving birth, due to hemorrhage. The risk I was taking was beyond what I realized.”
Tech nodded, saying nothing.
“I had no idea what your own biology was like–you clearly had incredibly dense muscles and bones, and what effect that would have on our child, and myself, I did not know. For all I knew, I could have ruptured and killed us both. I was so angry ”
“You are strong, and healthy, you could handle gravity. Surely it would have…” Tech stopped. He looked at Sjael, who shook her head.
“From the moment my water broke in our kitchen, I raged at myself for everything I had done within the last year. I missed my parents so, so much–I wanted my father and his medical knowledge, I wanted my mother and her comforting strength, and…I wanted you there, as our daughter came into the world.”
I wish I was there, as well.
Tech took a deep breath, and gingerly put his hand on Sjael’s forearm. Tears began falling down Sjael’s face, onto her arms and Tech. They felt hot on his covered hand.
“So when the physician pulled Meg out of me, and I saw the cord wrapped around her little neck… I thought I would simply die of despair. It was one more thing that I had loved that the universe would take away from me. My baby girl, from two people whose chances of having offspring together was close to none. This child I made with an extraordinary man from a different galaxy.”
An extraordinary man.
“The physician yanked the cord off of Meg, laid her on me, and said how sorry he was. An inyalowda doctor from Earth, he just assumed there was no need to save a Belter child, that most Belter women just give birth to dead and dying babies. But Tanke slapped him, grabbed Meg and a bulb, and did what she does best.”
“Work medical miracles?”
“Fight for the family she loves.”
Tech thought, “Tanke and Hunter have more in common than we will ever know.”
He adjusted his goggles with one hand, keeping the other on Sjael’s arm, “I listened to the conversation you had with Hunter, before we were pulled into the event horizon,” Tech said, somberly, “He accidentally recorded it on my helmet. You know how I record everything? It sounded like things were going to be fine with Meg, biologically speaking, from what you described from your first tests on the ship.”
His heart skipped a beat, as he continued, “Even with our slightly different builds, there was little probable chance of her coming out as anything but perfect. If I had been there, I would have reminded you of that. You would not have been scared for our child, or yourself.”
Sjael nodded mournfully, turning to another picture. This one showed another newborn Meg, swaddled in a white blanket, her face now healthy and pink, clearly asleep, in someone’s arms.
“You’re right. The ultrasounds and blood tests showed she was fine…but she was conceived off-world, with a human clone as her father. It wasn’t just her structure that made me sick with worry.”
“What do you mean?”
“I flew through the ring space with her developing in me,” Sjael added, motioning with her hands, “Things have disappeared in the ring once…how did I know my baby wouldn’t? Or what if a piece of her was missing, like her stomach, a piece of intestine, her brain…”
She covered her mouth, her eyebrows knitting together in angst, as tears continued to flow, harder this time, “I’d seen other Beltalowda give birth to dead or sick babies my whole life. My own mama had lost multiple children between Tanke and myself. Papa always told us stories from the hospital on Ganymede, sometimes on Ceres, and especially on planets with barely any gravity–Eros was one of the worst, where he served his last patients, especially as many of the women were sick from their positions as prostitutes or dock workers. Mothers who were exposed to radiation, to a lack of gravity, to bad water, or oxygen deprivation when the Inners wanted to put us in our places. They passed that on to their unborn children. Babies who only lived for a few days in intense pain, only to die in their parents arms.”
Although he often willed himself to not dwell on such things, Tech thought of all the clones who did not make it to maturity. Sjael looked at him.
“How were you born?” He raised an eyebrow at her.
“Do you remember? I was born and raised in a lab, with thousands of others.”
“From a scientific position…that makes sense. You are a clone. What if one of you was defective?”
“I and my team are, and it was considered a benefit. That’s why we are Clone Force 99. But the rest were…discarded, if they were sick, or malformed, in any way that was deemed not useful to the Republic. It was called ‘decommissioning’ and it was done in a swift fashion. Usually by a gun, then cremated or put in a disposal. Please don’t look at me like that, it is something I had no control over, and neither did my brothers. It is something I can not change.”
“Did you have caregivers, at least?” Sjael asked, sadly.
“Some, we were raised in an environment where we were nurtured appropriately. We were born from artificial wombs, and raised together in a communal, barrack setting. We did not have parents. Most of us were bred and trained to be soldiers for the Republic, engineered to age us up, then administered chips in our brains to render us obedient to whoever we were sent out to—most of us, that is. Remember my scar? That’s where that is from.”
“All of that is completely against the Belter way,,” Sjael closed her eyes, as if willing to make herself stop crying. “Oh Teki, that sounds so awful . I wish I had known–I never asked. Your poor brothers, and you. Thousands of parentless children, grown and tossed out into war like trash. That is worse than anything the Inners could think of, even though they’ve used and thrown us aside when they decided it was convenient. You were nothing more than a number, much less a child, to those terrible people, the Republic. I’m so sorry, Teki.”
“There is no need to be sorry, Sjael,” Tech said back to her, his heart slowing and feeling less broken than it had moments before, “What difference does it make knowing? I remember what I experienced, what my brothers experienced, and I try not to think about it. It doesn’t do well to dwell on things that are in the past, especially if you yourself did not live through it. We can only look forward, towards the now and the future.y”
“You’re right,” Sjael nodded, “ And now I…we…have a child. An active, healthy child, both Belter and clone. That is something we can not change.”
She suddenly squeezed his hand tightly as she wiped her tears away. A flood of relief fell through Tech. Sjael yawned as she stood up. Tech held up his other hand, accidentally touching her backside.
“I do not want to be intimate,” she said, her voice sad, rather than angry. Tech nodded.
“I do not want to be intimate, either,” he said as he stood up, “But I do want to just stay with you tonight, if I may. What you said earlier, I…feel the same way.”
“The same way?” she asked, her voice hopeful. Tech drew a breath, avoiding Sjael’s eyes.
“It was one of the things that drew me to you on Station 47, the way you are both full of energy and yet peaceful at the same time,” he said, looking at her neck, rather then her eyes, “That you love to hear what I have to say, no matter how much I talk. It’s as if time is still, and all things are calm, that things are waiting to be worked on. And, most importantly, I’d love to see more pictures of Meg. I have lots of catching up to do.”
Sjael nodded, a little smile on her face. “I’m going to take a quick shower and get into something more comfortable. I always wanted to know, do you wear anything besides your armor and vest? Do you sleep in that?”
Before Tech could answer, Sjael held up her hand.
“Don’t worry, I have extra night clothes. Pretty convenient that we are both thin and the same height, sasa-ke ?”