#terms of reference

[scriptlgbt]

Hello! I have a character that uses they/she/he pronouns and doesn't have a preference, I figured what pronouns to use in dialogue depending on who's talking, but I'm having problems figuring out what pronouns to use in the narration. I'm afraid of using whatever pronouns and making it confusing to read

Hi!

I think there's a few different creative options you could go with this. These ideas are just jumping off points. I'm going into this assuming that this character is one of the main perspectives, and this isn't a third person omniscient thing where you're going into all these other characters' heads where they are using different pronouns. (If that's the case, you can probably just stick with the pronouns the perspective character was using, just to keep flow.)

you could designate specific chapters for specific pronouns, and mark this at the head of the chapter (similar to how books with multiple POVs tend to mark the name of the POV character at the beginning of the chapter). I think you could decide which one to go with based on whatever, but I think if it were me I would go in a set order of rotation (like the same pronouns every third chapter).

you could have certain pronouns for certain scenes or settings. certain pronouns at work, certain pronouns at school, at home, with friends, etc.

if the character is being written about in a context with someone with she/her pronouns (for instance) you could write this character as having consistently/exclusively he/him or they/them, just within that scene with this other character.

The main thing is clarity and consistency. Pronouns exist when using a name would be clunky, so people know who you're talking about without the name being repeated. Confusion around who is being referred to still can happen in stories where multiple characters use the same pronouns, if the writer is not clear about which "he" (etc.) is being referred to.

If you start a paragraph with, "[Name] was looking for his phone," and then use he/him pronouns in narrative until another character is named, this should be fairly clear who you are talking about. The key is to introduce whoever the pronouns are referring to by name, or otherwise have it be very clear who you are referring to. Here's a little example scene where it should be clear who is being talked about at any given moment.

Name was looking for his phone. He knew he was running late but he didn't know by how much, and he couldn't leave without something to play music through his headphones on. Name missed her old place, with a tray set up by the door, another by the laundry basket, another by her bedside table. Three default, easy places to look for the standard pocket contents. She'd had a system for everything. Character 2 was usually pretty understanding about things like this but Name didn't want to stress him out further. Character 2 just started working a job with a weird shift schedule, and it was hard to find time to catch up.

In this blurb, when a new character is introduced, I made sure to make it clear who was being referred to by using the first character's name as being someone interacting with [pronoun of Character 2]. It takes more effort to write this way, and will probably mean a lot of practice and experimenting until it feels natural, but it's definitely doable. Paragraph breaks also will help distinguish who is being talked about, if you want to go this route.

Sometimes, using a name more often, just for clarity might still be helpful if you are switching up pronouns a lot. I would also try to cap the pronoun switches to like 2 per paragraph tops (mileage may vary in practice, experiment and see what reads okay) just for flow reasons, but that's just me personally.

If you're not sure what to go with, you can always try out one option while drafting, and make adjustments according to what feels comfortable for you as a writer.

This is something that doesn't have a lot of precedent, so you have a lot of creative room to work with. There isn’t really a wrong way to do this. There's probably going to be a learning curve while you get the hang of writing this way.

Another thing you could do is mention the rotating narrative pronouns in an author's note at the beginning. Pronouns aren't the whole of who a person is, and I don't think it compromises the art of character introduction/development to have a little note at the beginning explaining how the character's pronouns operate within the narration. It can also help people who haven't encountered anyone with pronouns like this before (or who aren't reading in their first language) to pick up on things quicker and focus on the plot once they do.

Having someone else proofread just to make sure everything is clear and understandable should also be really helpful to your writing, more so than it would be for a character who you don't switch any pronouns for at all.

Hopefully this helps somewhat!

-mod nat

[girl4music]

The person you’re dating doesn’t identify as a male or a female? Use gender neutral terms of endearment to refer to them by or as when talking about them and your relationship to them/their relationship to you so you can avoid ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’ and ‘wife/husband’ or anything with a ‘man/male’ or ‘woman/female’ as part of it. (Note: This is a lot more difficult than you think if they’re in a job position where there is traditionally a role with those gendered terms in it. I work as a ward hostess in a hospital and that is the official name of the job role. So you can just imagine how they’d have to accommodate for just a male worker alone, never mind a worker that doesn’t identify as either male or female. They could use “host” I guess but that’s still not very inclusive, is it?)

Some of the most common ones are:

Partner

Significant other

Lover

It depends on the depth of the relationship between you and them I guess. If it’s just starting out but is established enough for many people to know about you and them: “My honey” is a good one to use.

Married to them? Spouse. Marital partner.

Just engaged to them? Fiancé. Betrothed. Intended.

Some personal favourites of mine but I never see anybody really use them because of how intimate they are. You can thank Xena for most of these terms: My person. My home. My love. My entire heart. My source. My soulmate. My everything. My whole life.

Both Xena and Gabrielle identified as female and yet not once did they refer to each other in binary terms. And the fanfiction follows this trend by using “warrior” and “bard” in replacement of their actual pronouns.

And honestly… the most often terms they used to refer to each other by or as? They just referred to each other by their names most of the time. It’s hard to explain what I mean by this but there is a real intimacy in them just calling each other by their names in a very specific way. No shorthands or terms of endearment like “babe/baby” or “sweetie”. Just Xena/Gabrielle.

There was also a lot of use of “friend” but everybody who watches Xena knows that Xena uses that term regardless whether the relationship she has with another character is platonic or romantic. ‘Best friend’ or “Only friend” is the way she refers to Gabrielle. That can certainly get confusing when they have many friends between them. I specifically remember that one time when Xena referred to both Gabrielle and Aphrodite as her “girlfriends” and that was…. A lot. I actually really don’t like it when actual platonic female friends call one another ‘girlfriend’. It’s too confusing.

But anyway, besides that one time, it might be a dated show but ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ was actually pretty good for gender neutrality: “may the best person win”.

[scriptlgbt]

Is it ok to have a male oc be fluid with pronouns but not gender?

What I mean is the character likes being addressed with different pronouns particularly she/her but doesn’t want or have a desire to be a girl she just likes the pronouns and the euphoria with it, but feels dysphoric when called a girl or women

He’s fine with terms like wife and girlfriend with their partner but doesn’t like anything else

And I’m wondering if this would come off as weird since the oc is extremely masc presenting in the beginning and doesn’t become more fem for awhile and I’m worried this would come off as transphobic since they aren’t a girl at any point

My reason for having him this way is that I really enjoy the idea of pronouns being different than gender and I wanted to explore with a masc character since I have a lot of fem presenting ones already

Also would this make them genderfluid technically? If not what’s an appropriate term?

Yeah this is totally fine!

Anyone of any gender can have any pronouns! Pronouns don't necessarily imply how someone identifies gender-wise. There are cis men who use she/her and cis women who use he/him, and people who are all sorts of identities who have all sorts of pronouns. As Leslie Feinberg said, "gender is the poetry we create with the language we are given."

-mod nat

[scriptlgbt]

so character A in my story uses they/them pronouns (they're comfortable with she/her, but definitely prefer they/them) and character B is someone they are very close friends with who has kids — i wanted to show that B's kids see A as an important part of their life, but i wasn't sure if it would be alright for the kids to call them 'aunt' ?

These labels tend to be individual preferences! So you can go with aunt, you can go with uncle, you can go with auncle, you can go with some created word too. My personal favourite is ankle, but that's a silly one. You might also pick something like "godparent" or a different cultural equivalent, depending on the family and their background. (I'm told this is more of a culturally Catholic thing, but I believe that there are other important titles for a close adult family member that are similar to an uncle or aunt/auntie, though these ones definitely dominate to my understanding.)

-mod nat

[scriptlgbt]

one of my recurring side characters learns along the way that they identify as nb, but when my MC gets to know them, they still use female pronouns. would it be alright if I write the change of pronouns or should I just don't use pronouns at all for them until they've come out? their name wouldn't change and no one would use incorrect pronouns after they've been told the correct ones - does writing the changing pronouns still count as offensive?

(thanks! and sorry, english isn't my first language and I have some difficulties finding the exact right words to say what I mean)

An easy way to make this work would be to just have this character explicitly (written in the text) state that they prefer she/her pronouns at a given time. That way, when readers describe the character at that point using she/her pronouns, it isn't wrong. The issue might come when readers aren't sure whether to use she/her pronouns when referring to the character in the past, once they prefer different pronouns. In this case you can add dialogue specifying what the character wants. In real life situations, this is generally a thing of, "well, these pronouns aren't what I want right now, and I currently want these pronouns. So please call me by these pronouns."

Another option is simply to have an author's note in the beginning clarifying what pronouns a reader ought to use for the character when.

Yet another option is to just have the character prefer whatever pronouns they do throughout the story. Pronouns are often seen as having certain gender associations (ie. "female pronouns") but that isn't necessarily true. Lots of nonbinary people prefer she/her or he/him and so on. And lots of nonbinary people also like multiple sets of pronouns used interchangeably (like she/they). I do want to note that there is a mild difference in she/they vs they/she - some people will format their pronouns in a way to indicate that, though they like both sets of pronouns, they want the first one listed given slight preference. This isn't the case with everyone though and it always benefits to ask for clarification.

mod nat

[scriptlgbt]

Is gender-neutral language even possible in german? I'm writing in english, but the main characters are university students in Münich, and i think that some kind of a reference should be made to gender in german language since the protagonist is nonbinary and the english narration uses neopronouns and "Mx", which is apparently not possible in german.

Hey, this is nat talking right now, but I asked in a group chat and these are things Mod Bun/ny (who is German) said & researched. It's just formatted funky because I'm grabbing from the chat (with permission).

BUNNY Will redirect to the germans xD Mx is used, I think. Some people use es/ihm (it, flexes like he though which can be confusing) or just (singular) they/them even in German. But neopronouns aren't officially English anyways so just use them in German, too? Will also stress that this is Munich not Berlin. Unsure if that makes a difference.

NAT Are there different dialects in those places?

BUNNY dialects but also I expect Berlin (New York) to be far more accepting than Munich/Bavaria (Texas)

NAT that makes sense! I have heard a lot of good things about Berlin in terms of queer stuff.

BUNNY okay so Addressing in a letter is just Firstname Lastname i.e. Sehr geehrte*r John Smith (no r would be fem, with r is masc. German is gendered.) will sum up the stats ^^

There's also Person instead of Herr(Sir) or Frau(Madam) so Sehr geehrte Person Smith (Person is fem, Mensch(human) is masc)

there's a new stat on adding the innen with : instead of * like doctors (masc) is Ärzte doctors (fem) is Ärztinnen mixed it's Ärzt:innen it was Ärzt*innen until like [June 2021]? Something about pride month here, I guess.

Person who said it's geehrte*r has only used it before the : change xD

there's also plain Guten Tag John Smith (Good afternoon/day) which is less formal but unless you're addressing like a high political person or whatever it should be super fine. that's it for now [...] [Neopronouns] are fine and people use them. Though obviously they aren't widespread. Neither is they/them but still better.

There are specific German neopronouns (relative pronoun "the" would be dey, instead of der/die/das)

There's also the Sylvain Convention nin, a full set for all types of pronouns but the link I found once is broken.

Hallo John Smith also works in every case, not formal though.

[scriptlgbt]

I have a character I'm considering making genderfluid.

They're immortal and a god, and I'm thinking of making their gender change every few years... Instead of like. Day by day or anything like that.

Since they're a god, they can shapeshift. Is it odd or strange to make them be able to change from a masc... body I guess to a femme one? And they go by a different name when having a femme body.

Is it also... weird or something to NOT have them experience dysphoria? I mean like they do get anxiety around people when they're female since they're AMAB and that's how they spend most of their time and they haven't spent enough time as a female yet to get used to it.

Ok so to summarize since I can be kinda rambly:

Is it weird or anything to:

- have their gender change year by year (as in maybe they spend ten years as male, one year or a few months female, five years male, one to two years female, etc etc)

- have them shapeshift when their gender identity changes

- have them not experience... physical dysphoria i suppose; they would experience "social dysphoria" because of anxiety

Also they're uh. Bisexual and polyamerous. They're in a relationship with a gay man and bisexual woman and they're friends with benefits with a different woman... is that too much... diversity...? Is there such a thing as too much?

And lastly, are there any things I should avoid when writing in this characters POV? Anything genderfluid people may experience that I as a cis person may not know or think about, just in a day in the life sort of way.

Thank you in advance if you reply, I really appreciate it! This is a long one so I'm sorry about that haha.

Oh! Hi! I'm the anon with the immortal god character. I just sent in an ask and realized I forgot some questions, sorry!

How might their partners refer to them? How might those dynamics work? If the god can shapeshift, would the partners automatically refer to the god by the corresponding pronouns?

Also I'm thinking the god has a different name depending on if they're masc or femme. But also they sometimes may not want to go by a different name?

Answer

I’m going to answer this in sections!

1. Weird to have identity change year by year?

This is totally fine! This actually happens to me. Some of it is just different labels have resonated with me over the years but I do feel my identity has changed in some way. I usually change pronouns as well, sometimes a name, but not always. My current situation is that I give different names and pronouns based on the people I’m with. So people who have known me longer were introduced with earlier names, and I’m okay with them calling me that. More recent folks will get other names. People who know me well may know several names and use any of them, but most people have one they stick to for me. I will note that my own fluidity is always some variation of genderqueer but there are times when I identified with androgynous, other times as agender, and so on.

Other people can feel different and experience fluidity differently or at different rates. I think when I first was figuring out stuff in high school I was a little more rapidly fluid. I had a friend who would ask my pronouns at the beginning of each day. (Eventually I kind of felt like it was more of a bother to try and interrogate myself every morning so I just kind of opted to they/them until I was maybe 20 and meandered into neopronouns.)

2. Weird to have them shapeshift when their gender identity changes?

This is also fine, but I’d be careful not to imply there has to be a direct correlation with any given body part and a specific identity. There are a lot of people of all genders who want to look all sorts of different ways. IMO you don’t even have to be trans to transition if you want! (Check out that link, there’s a lot of people in the comments philosophizing about it too.) Ultimately gender identity is about how you see yourself. Gender expression is just one aspect of things and it’s not always something that is going to make your gender legible to others.

I also would hesitate to refer to a given body type as masc or femme. Masc and femme are more like... identities. It’s ok/normal for trans people to call our bodies whatever. But I think when you’re writing maybe use more specific language, because using the term “femme body” and expecting people to assume you mean a stereotypical dyadic cis woman’s body. Femmes and mascs can have any kind of body.

3. Weird to not have dysphoria, except when a specific gender?

This is fine. But I think with them being AMAB and sometimes being a woman, you might want to do some more research on transmisogyny. We have a tag for it here, but I wouldn’t limit your research just to our tag.

4. Is bi + polyam + all these mentioned diverse partners ‘too much diversity’?

Absolutely not! You’re all good!

5. How would partners refer to them? (Pronouns/terms/name etc)

I don’t think it’s safe to say that presentation always lines up with what pronouns genderfluid people have. But that is the case for some. I would just have it be communicated at some point. Like if there’s a scene where their gender has recently changed, there’s just a check-in that a partner makes about what terms to use now, or if they’ve changed at all. Or if it’s not immediately clear to the partners, the god character could just mention it. What they call each other as partners can really be anything though.

I call my partner my partner, but technically we’re queerplatonic partners or something like friends with benefits. (The axis of the relationship is platonic but our behaviour and expressions of that platonic love are significantly more dedicated and involve, well, aforementioned benefits.) We also sometimes use the term “companion” and we might change the terminology based on what’s convenient to say, including her sometimes being okay with being called my girlfriend if it’s more convenient. On emergency contact forms we’re often considered common law spouses. On the census I wrote we were queerplatonic partners. To delivery drivers we are roommates.

Whatever labels are cool with the people involved work really, and since your characters are fictional, you can make up what that is.

6. Other things to keep in mind?

Gender fluidity doesn’t always mean rotating between two binaries. If they rotate between two binaries, that’s totally cool and fine, but please don’t feel limited to that. In all my fluidity, I haven’t identified with a binary gender. There are so many different possibilities, so many different ways to experience gender. And don’t be afraid to consider neopronouns either (you could even make some up too, that’s totally fine, IMO). Or maybe they change genders sometime but not shapeshift, or shapeshift but not change genders.

Readers, feel free to tack on anything you think should be added to this!

- mod nat