Reflecting on my "theriotypes"
There's a TL;DR at the bottom for those who don't want to deal with my walls of text. I get it.
I think my “shallowest” type is probably my dhole and german shorthair pointer types. I think a lot of my “canine” behaviors come from being a seal. Seals have a lot of things in common with dogs, there’s a reason they’re commonly referred to as “sea puppies”. I’ve been seriously considering dropping the canine labels all together, but I’m going to think on it for a while before making any definitive decisions.
My seagull identity isn’t as shallow as my canine identities, but it isn’t the same as my seal identity. I don’t physically identify as a seagull, but I still think of myself as one often. I’m not really sure where my seagull-ness falls, but it’s not something I plan on dropping or letting go of. Calling myself a seagull feels right, I just don’t know what that rightness really is yet. We’re working on it.
The real nitty gritty comes from my seal identity. This one is complicated.
I haven’t said it out loud, haven’t written it down, haven’t admitted it to myself before this. But I physically am a harbor seal. This is something I’ve been grappling with for months, fighting with myself over this simple fact. I’ve felt a lot of fear over this, a lot of conflict. It feels like I’m arguing with a second person when I think about it. In my heart I know I’m a seal, but my “human logic” keeps yelling and screaming that it’s not possible. It shouts and screams that if I got genetically tested it’d come back human. That this human suit is my “true” body, that it’s never been anything else.
The best comparison I can draw here is to gaslighting. It feels like I’m gaslighting myself. I know I’m a seal, but there’s this tiny voice in my head that says that’s impossible. It’s been a fight to wrap my head around myself and what I am. That’s part of why I’m journalling and posting my thoughts on Tumblr.
What I’ve figured out is that I am a harbor seal. I might not be the right shape right now, but I firmly believe that at some point before I was. I’m not sure what happened that ended with me stuck in this human suit, but it happened. And before it happened I was physically a harbor seal. This wasn’t a past life, or some psychological fluke. I was a harbor seal in this life, then something forced me into this shape. On a biological level I am still a harbor seal, it's just masked by a human trick.
I’ve wondered if I was a captive or wild seal before I was taken and twisted into this shape. I don’t think I was a mature seal when I was turned into this thing. I’ve had nightmares about being twisted into this vile creature, of drowning in cold water with hands holding me down and blinding lights shining in my eyes. It’s all been confusing and distressing, and I’m still trying to figure it out. I’ll continue sharing bits and pieces of my journalling to understand myself, both to hear from others with similar experiences to my own and to help shine a light on the atypical alterhuman experiences.
One day I hope to live as a seal again. I haven’t figured out how to achieve this yet, but I’m willing to dedicate the rest of my life to figuring it out.
I've considered dropping the term therian all together, since I don't feel it fits what I experience as a seal. Not sure about it yet.
I'd love to hear from those of you who have similar experiences or struggles.
TL;DR- I am physically a harbor seal that's been forced into the wrong shape, regardless of what anyone tells me. On some level I still identify as a seagull, I will not be dropping this identity. Seriously considering dropping canine types, I think it was misinterpreted seal behaviors. Considering dropping the term therian.