I want to premise this by saying that what we had was good and pure and wonderful and I love you with my whole heart and I think you are an incredible human being and I miss you a whole lot. But I'm angry. I'm really mad at you, maybe because anger is the second stage of grieving, maybe because I am genuinely just really angry as it's completely rational. I'm not mad at you for leaving. I'm mad at the situation because it fucking sucks but I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at you for most of the things that happened before you left and I know that's over and done with but I'm still upset and my therapist says its best to put things out into the universe to make you feel better so this is me putting me first and telling you that I'm fucking angry at you. I'm mad at you because by putting yourself first the 2 months we were together you completely disregarded every single thing I needed. It was hard for me too but I didn't get to be upset because you didn't want a long goodbye, you wanted the bandaid ripped off, so I held my tongue. You needed me to understand, so I pretended that I did. You didn't want to see me on any given day, so we didn't see each other even though I would've killed to spend every single moment leading up to you leaving with you. You needed someone to support you so I did. I spent my entire summer biting my tongue and keeping what I was feeling to myself because I didn't want to ruin your good mood or make it any harder for you. I spent my entire summer sitting back and playing the role of the good girlfriend, even though God knows that's not me. I am not complacent. I am not quiet. I do not back down. But for you I did. And still all you saw were the few times I couldn't keep my mouth shut. The entire two months I was so fucking good to you and you didn't stop once to ask how I was doing. In fact you sat there and explained to me how much you hated that I was upset in the first place. You wish you could just leave now so you wouldn't have to deal with it. You had the nerve to tell me you wish you didn't tell anyone so you could've just picked up and left. You made me feel so fucking guilty for having actual human emotions. Even with our last fight you sat there and told me how you felt bad about the way you reacted so defensively every time I brought up feeling sad which was the most ironic thing because you were still doing it. Until the last moment you were telling me that I couldn't feel the way I felt because I had to understand what you were feeling and it sucked because I didn't understand. You told me you were putting you first and how hard it was for you because you were so used to putting other first and how every time you put you first it comes back to bite you in the ass. And I held my tongue again when all I really wanted to tell you was there is a difference between putting yourself first and being narcissistic. And you were bordering narcissism. Because the one major thing you lacked was empathy. Which is kind of funny because when I think of you I think of how empathetic you are and how nice and understanding you are but when it came to this you didn't even try to understand how I was feeling. Because it was all about you. I'm also angry because I've been dreaming about you every night. I don't even know what happens but you're always there. And every single night before I go to bed I wish that I'm gonna be okay and that it's all gonna be okay. I've started journaling because I know if I keep everything I'm feeling in I'll explode. I guess this is a bit of an explosion as well but no where near as big as it could've been. During our last fight you asked me to try really hard to not see you as the bitch who left me but as yourself. And so that's what I'm doing. And yeah there's a lot of good there. A million times more good than there is bad. And I've been clinging onto that for the past week but I'm angry. And right now seeing you as who you are I'm seeing the bad. Which means I'm not remembering you as the bitch who left me but instead the bitch who didn't let me feel anything, the bitch who disregarded my needs, the bitch who lacked empathy and who was so defensive about every single thing. The bitch who couldn't be bothered to text me to ask how I'm doing and not Nadine. The bitch who couldn't even say you loved me back when I texted you the other day. Right now I'm remembering that bitch and it sucks and I'm mad. And I'm not even sure if I'm gonna send this to you because it's mean and I know it's mean and I don't want to hurt you but I also feel like I need to get this out there. I don't expect you to understand it. I also don't know what I want from this. I don't want you to try to defend yourself. I don't really care for an apology at this point. I guess I just finally want to let you know how I'm feeling.
