I feel that I should start out by saying that I haven't talked to him since Wednesday night. I sent him a text Thursday morning apologizing for what I put him through, but he, understandably, never text me back. I haven't tried to contact him since. In the mean time, I've had time to think about where things went wrong, and the mistakes I made, beyond the obvious ones I mentioned the other night...
I've realized that he is kind of like my best friend... I love him like I love my best friend in a lot of ways... except I want to kiss his face and hold his hand. I don't want to kiss her face or hold her hand. lol... But in a lot of ways my feelings for them are similar and the things I need from them are similar. I know I elevated him to this position, basically without his consent. However, he led me to believe that he was more than capable of being a great best friend. He could be very supportive when he tried. My point is, I became very dependent on him when I was upset this summer and needed someone to talk to. My best friend works a lot and isn't great at getting back to people when they text her, and he knew if I told him I was stressed and needed to talk when he wasn't busy, it meant I REALLY needed to talk... Talking to him about simple random crap relaxed me. He became a second best friend.
The problem with this is, he doesn't have a best friend. He doesn't have any friends he is nearly as close to as I am mine. I only have about five people I can truly say are my friends. Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of other people, but I don't really consider them friends. I am extremely close with the people I call friends. We have known each other and lived together/ close to one another, for four years now. They are like my family. He doesn't have anyone like that. He says that he and I are close friends, but I just don't see it. He felt that the way I was acting when I would text him about things like I mentioned before was me trying to be his girlfriend when, in reality, I talked about the same things with my best friend.... Even as "just friends" we will never be close enough for me to consider us "close friends" because he doesn't have friends like that and I don't think he will ever let me be that close to him. At least not after everything that happened.
So, I said a lot of things to him I SHOULD NOT have said. Even if it was the way I felt. However, I think the fact that he knew I liked him right off the bat really screwed us over. He always assumed that us hanging out would be awkward. He actually told me that. He said that he didn't want to ask me to hang out because he didn't want me to take it the wrong way. We were basically doomed from the start... All I've ever wanted was to spend time with him. He never let me because he didn't want to lead me on. He thought we were friends because we had each other's number, he took me home and I helped him with homework. I wanted more than that not only because I freaking loved him, but I did want to AT LEAST be friends in the way I define friendship.... Not knowing why he was constantly blowing me off, I pushed harder, he pulled farther away, and things fell apart.
I finally, after four years, got to go home with my best friend and see where she lives. I had a great weekend and did a lot of cool things (like horseback riding, which I'd never done before and loved very much!) and I wanted to tell him about it... I couldn't because I don't know where we stand... He sort of talked like he didn't want to text or anything until the weekend was over because he thought I needed time to decide if I could be "just friends". Since I'm not sure if my apology was enough, I feel like I have to wait for him to text me first...
In summary, I love him. I miss him. I feel like I've lost someone super close to me. I just hope he gives me a chance to try again. I know what to do now. I know he needs his space because he doesn't understand close friendships. I just want the chance to be close to him if he wants me to be. All I needed from him was a close friendship anyway. Holding his hand and kissing his face was just a bonus anyway lol. I can be "just friends," but now I'm not sure what that even means to him and if we will ever be as close even friendship wise, as I'd like us to be... In any case, I miss him.
