“It’s the end of the world as we know it!” Kylo sang tunelessly as the car raced through the moonlit streets. “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fiiiiinee!!!”
“It’ll be the end of you first if you don’t shut up!!” Hux shouted, nervously gripping the dashboard as Kylo took the car into a drift. Half a dozen zombies disappeared under the wheels with a jolt that would have probably been a horrible noise if it weren’t for the music pounding from the speakers.
“Oh, have a sense of humour!!” With a maniacally laugh he threw the car into reverse.
“I’d really rather not! We both know I’m allergic to humour. And fun.”
Kylo shook his head, tongue sticking out between his teeth as he concentrated on getting every last one of the living dead shambling through the street around them.
“Liar. Come on! You have to enjoy the apocalypse!”
“No I don’t.”
“It’s all we’ve got left, dude, you’ve got to enjoy the ride, if this is the last thing we’re gonna do then why not enjoy it?”
“I subscribe to the multiverse theory, Kylo,” Hux said haughtily, “and I am comforted by the thought that in a million other universes other Huxes made better decisions that me and never ended up in this situation.”
“Fine, be that way!” Kylo snapped and turned back to the concentrating on the road.
Eighteen more zombies feel beneath the wheels, but the car couldn’t keep on taking that kind of impact forever. They turned a corner too fast, something snapped beneath the chassis, and Kylo lost control. The car rolled, flames roared outside the windows, and that was it.
Game over.
“That was the worst use of $15 in the entire history of both computer games and fairgrounds,” Hux sighed as he clambered out of the simulator ride. He stepped aside for an eager eleven year old dragging his dad behind him.
“Well I had fun,” Kylo grumbled. He was digging in his pockets, clearly looking for change for one more ride, or a fifth bag of cotton candy. “Do you really believe what you said in there? About other Huxes making other decisions?”
“Yep,” Hux said. He handed his pouting husband a ten dollar bill. “But I’m sure they all ended up with you. They were just smart enough to avoid the racing games.”
Major Donal Hux has finally written a book about his ghost & cryptid hunting adventures with Kylo Ren. The only problem is that everyone thinks it is fiction. Except the person who will be interviewing him today. They know all about the paranormal. Perhaps Hux has a new story to tell?
This is it, the origin story for the legendary Five-Legged Ohio Assman, the most mysterious cryptid in The Eldritch Effect Verse.
Additional Tags: Paranormal Investigators Alternate Universe - Ghost Hunters Alternate Universe - Modern Setting Kylo Still Has The Force Hux Wrote A Book Comedy Cryptozoology Monsters Monster Hunters Road Trips Classic Cars Horror Mystery Camping Butts Penises Penis Size Kylo Ren Has a Big Dick Tattoos Miscommunication Idiots in Love Dick Jokes With Apologies To The State Of Ohio The Five-Legged Ohio Assman
Hux strolled back into the apartment with a sneaky pumpkin spice latte and a bag of donuts he might be persuaded to share once Kylo woke up. He glanced at the clock- 8:20am. Hmmm four hours was a long time to resist those donuts.
Maybe he should wake Kylo up so they could have breakfast in bed. They were the donuts with the holes after all. Maybe Kylo would be interested in doing his donut wearing ‘trick’ again.
As he passed the hallway mirror he asked his reflection, “when did you become the kind of guy who thought his husband putting his cock through a donut was sexy? Where did it all go wrong?”
“Hux?” Kylo called from somewhere deeper into the apartment. Odd, it sounded like he was in the bathroom.
“What’s up?”
“I uh, I need you to bring me a bag of ice, the first aid kit, and your least judgemental facial expression.”
“What did you do??” Hux shouted, already heading towards the kitchen- he was confused but he wasn’t entirely heartless.
“Ice now please, recriminations later.”
He grabbed the items in question. Well, the first aid kit and the ice pack at least. Both of those objects were kept easily accessible because he knew Kylo very well at this point. A non-judgemental facial expression was not available, also because he knew Kylo very well.
As he kicked the bathroom door opened his nostrils were assaulted by a very chemical smell. Like someone had mixed together all the cleaning products under the sink and set them on fire.
A tap was running but Kylo was no where to be seen.
Hux looked around again and realised the shower curtain had been pulled closed.
“Are you in the bath?”
A hand appeared, reaching out beseechingly. “Ice please. I’ve been sat here with the water running for the last twenty minutes.”
“Why?”
“Promise you won’t laugh.”
“I promise no such thing.” Hux replied. He placed the ice in Kylo’s hand, positioned the first aid kit on the bathmat and settled himself on the closed toilet lid. He took a sip of his coffee. “Ah, good. Now, tell me exactly what happened?”
Kylo sighed. The hand reappeared. After a moment a tube of burn cream floated out of the first aid kit into his hand. “You know how my theme for halloween this year is retro pumpkins?”
“I don’t listen when you talk about decor Kylo, you know that.”
“Well, since you won’t let me get that penis tattoo and the vagazzling gems are out because of what happened last year...”
“Oh gods,” Hux put his head his hands. “Is the stench in here the result of you trying to bleach your pubes orange so you could trim them to look like a pumpkin?”
“Maybe.”
“And you burnt yourself?”
“Yep.”
“Get a bathrobe on, I’ll drive you to the hospital. But you owe me a bottle of something strong for making me deal with this.” Hux drained his cup in one go. It was far too early in the morning. And it was only the 2nd of October. He’d never survive til Halloween.
“Hux?” Kylo shouted from his glitter and craft paper strewn corner of the apartment. “Hux?! It’s an emergency!”
Hux leaned out of the bathroom, his hair still dripping shampoo. “What!?”
“Where’d you put that gourd?”
“What the fuck is a gourd?” Hux asked with a glare that could have stripped paint. “I don’t think the location of something I’ve never even heard- but I can surmise is somehow involved in halloween crafts- can possibly class as an emergency. Definitely not one that warrants getting me out of the shower.”
“How do you not know what a gourd is?”
Rather than bother replying Hux gave him the finger and went back to washing his hair.
Kylo sulked for a while before he gave up and carefully extricated himself from the mess of his current project. He’d only brought the groceries home an hour ago- it couldn’t have gone far.
Hux returned in a fluffy bathrobe twenty minutes later to find the apartment trashed and Kylo standing in the middle of the chaos with a frustrated look on his face.
“I still can’t find it.”
“You still haven’t told me what it is!”
Kylo held his hands about eighteen inches apart. “It’s a like this big, orange, and gourd shaped!”
“I still don’t know what a gourd is!! Wait, do you mean that weird ugly squash?” Hux said, pointing towards the balcony of all places.
And there it was, sitting proudly in the lap of their decorative anatomical skeleton that was currently posed in a deck chair as if waving to the people in the street below.
“Why is it on the skeleton?”
Hux shrugged. “It reminded me of an ex-boyfriend. In both size, shape, and colour.”
“Oh my god.”
The gourd stayed where it had been placed, but Kylo added a plastic cleaver between the skeleton’s ribs. For effect. Not because he was jealous of anyone’s exes or anything.
Huxloween- Day Eight: Monsters From Your Own Culture
For @glass-oceans who suggested fairy circles.
“Whoa, Kylo! Stop!”
Kylo paused, one buckle-covered boot hanging in the air, and turned to look at Hux who was gasping his way up the slope behind him.
“What?”
“Look down,” Hux said between great heaving breaths. He’d marched for miles in the army but with Kylo he just had to be melodramatic.
The ground under his feet was the same as the rest of the foothills- covered in grass.
Just as he shifted his weight to move forward Hux caught up and pulled him back.
“How are you still alive with such bad perception skills?” Hux asked with far more anger than could possibly be justified. “LOOK!”
“Oh! Psilocybin mushrooms!!”
“No, not…” Hux glanced again. “Actually I have no idea what kind of mushrooms those are, but that doesn’t matter- it’s a fairy ring!”
Kylo looked again and saw that, yes, there was a ring of mushrooms about twenty feet across growing amongst the grass. He then patted himself to establish that he was awake and still a thirty year old adult human. Yep. All in order.
“I’m not a child, I’m not scared of a random arrangement of mushrooms.”
“Okay, well, if you get dragged off to the Unseelie Court by nefarious fae I won’t be rescuing you. I’ll be too busy eating all four Cadbury Creme Eggs in my pack.”
“That’s just cheating,” Kylo grumbled. He stepped back anyway.
Hux shrugged. “If it works, it works. Now, how about we set up camp over there? Now I’ve stopped walking I don’t feel like starting again.”
-----------------
The hillside was an excellent place to camp. They hadn’t made it up very high yet but there were beautiful views of the Adirondack mountains all around them and a star-filled sky over head. Perfect.
Plus there was no one else in sight and a brand new air mattress to test out. Hux might not want to walk any further but he wasn’t opposed to other forms of exercise.
Unfortunately it wasn’t a very well made mattress- Kylo managed to pop it after only half an hour of mildly vigorous love making. He’d have to send a strongly worded complaint to the manufacturer. He’d also have to find a way to apologise to Hux who’d taken the brunt of the impact when the air abruptly left the mattress.
Hux was currently sitting out by the remains of the fire, wrapped in a blanket and rubbing irritably at his back. Kylo knew just how to get him back in a good mood.
“Here,” he said as he dropped to the ground beside Hux in his own blanket. He shivered as wet grass brushed against his thighs. He hadn’t bothered to get dressed and the night air was surprisingly cold. “Rum. It’s medicinal.”
“Thanks.” Hux took a sip and then coughed. “Holy shit, are you sure this isn’t rubbing alcohol?”
Kylo shrugged. They watched the stars a while, passing the rum between them.
“You know fairy circles?” He said thoughtful once half the bottle was gone. “What constitutes being inside it?”
“What? It’s a boundary- you cross the circle and you’re inside it.”
“Okay but do you have to be in contact with the ground?” Kylo said. “Like if the grass is too thick does it count? Could you leap over it? Does the boundary extend above ground? If so is it orb shaped from the central point of the ring? Or does it go straight up into the sky? Does your whole body have to be inside or does a single limb count? Or a finger? What if it’s just your hair? You can’t control your hair! What if it’s the vehicle you’re inside? Is there a risk of an entire passenger plane ending up in the fae realm because it flew over a few mushrooms? Could the moon disappear? What about underground? Could you tunnel under it? Are you okay provided you’re below the mushroom roots? Do mushrooms have roots?”
Hux silently reached out and took away the booze.
Kylo glared at him. “I’m serious! I really want to know!!”
“It’s time for bed.”
“How do you break a fairy circle? If you tried to pull up a mushroom with your hand I guess that would count as being inside the boundary but what about using a long stick? Or throwing rocks? Could you shoot the mushrooms? Oooh what about a flamethrower?! Hux? Awww come back!!”
-----------------
The morning dawned bright and early and entirely unwelcome to the two hungover men who’d spent an uncomfortable night on the ground.
While Hux grumbled through making coffee and reheating a pair of MREs, Kylo toddled off in search of a tree to piss against. He was halfway across the meadow when his heel landed on something cold and moist. He looked down, expecting something unpleasant, and saw mushrooms.
“Huuuux?!” He shouted in a what he hoped wasn’t a panicked tone. “Hux?! I’ve stepped into the fairy circle!! What the fuck do I do?!”
He’d caught the very edge of it, with only his heel inside the circle that was mostly to his right and behind him. Unfortunately the scar tissue down his right cheek, neck and shoulder prevented him from looking around that way without moving his body as well.
Kylo might not entirely believe in this sort of thing, but now it had happened he didn’t want to make it worse.
Hux scrambled to his feet and ran towards him only to stumble as he drew closer and eventually stop with his hands on his knees.
At first Kylo thought he was gasping. He wasn’t happy to realise it was laughter.
“What?”
“You can turn around.”
“What?”
“No, really, it’s fine- turn around.”
He turned, expecting to see a fairy, or a David Bowie look alike, standing in the middle of the circle. Instead there was some kind of shimmering transparent text hovering above the ground and rotating slowly, like a hologram in a science fiction movie.
“What the fuck?”
The text lazily drifted around to face him.
“No rules lawyers…” Kylo read. “Wow, fairies are assholes.”
The first crisp morning of autumn, a huge cup of pumpkin spiced coffee, a comfortable bench in a scenic graveyard, and the new Space Conflict book. What more could Hux ask for while he waited for Kylo to get back from his physiotherapy appointment across the street?
He settled in, enjoying the crack of opening a brand new hardback book, and turned to the first page. Almost immediately he sensed eyes on him.
Looking through the corner of his eye the graveyard seemed to be empty, as most were these days. He turned in his seat. Still no sign of anyone.
A squirrel ran across a branch above his head. Maybe that was it.
He returned to his book.
It was interesting to see how Space Conflict had grown over the years. He’d been born just after the last of the original movie trilogy had been released- so it was one of those things he’d grown up always knowing, rather than grown up with- but he still enjoyed dipping into the convoluted universe now and again.
At the end of chapter one was a full page illustration of the new heroine. He glanced at it but having seen the film he didn’t feel any need to study it. He turned the page.
The wind turned it back.
That feeling of being watched had returned.
Several pages into chapter two he skipped two pages and went on reading as if he hadn’t noticed. The wind sighed in his ear and tried to turn the pages back.
“It’s really rude to read over someone’s shoulder, you know,” he said to the world in general.
The pages stopped fluttering.
“If you want to read it, you could just ask.”
Somehow the wind made a noise like ‘please’.
Hux turned back to the correct page.
An hour later Kylo shambled across the graveyard and moved to sit down.
“Someone’s sitting there, you need to sit on the other side,” Hux said without looking up. The book had just gotten to the climactic battle scene.
“They don’t wanna get sat on then they should manifest properly,” Kylo grumbled, though he did as he was told.
Suddenly there was a young woman with long hair and a horrible orange dress sitting primly beside Hux. She didn’t say anything but she did stop Hux’ hand for a moment before he turned the page.
Kylo fidgeted irritably through the last dozen pages. He wasn’t a fan of silence.
“Thanks,” The girl said when the final page was turned. She still sounded like the wind. “Not many people come here to read, and when they do it’s either romance or Edgar Allan Poe. It’s never the good stuff.” She sighed and ran her fingers over the cover of the book where it sat on Hux’ knee. “I can’t believe the prince had a daughter with the pirate queen. I always thought he’d marry the sand farmer.”
“In the second movie it’s revealed they’re actually siblings,” Hux said, “you know that ‘separated at birth’ nonsense.”
“Whoa, far out!” She gasped. “Man I wish Johnny hadn’t been drinking that night. They made a second movie and I didn’t even get to see it.”
“And the second movie is the best in the series!” Kylo cut in.
“No, you only think that because you’re an emo and that movie is depressing as fuck,” Hux corrected, “the seventh movie is the best.”
“The seventh movie is just the first movie with hotter actors!”
“Spoilers!”
The girl sighed again. “They made seven movies?! Bogus. It’s not fair. I wish I could see them.”
Kylo looked thought for a second then turned to Hux with a grin.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” he asked.
“Yeaaaah… but the shovel isn’t in the car. We’d have to come back later.”
“Of course we’re going to come back later, Hux! You can’t do a grave robbery in daylight!”
“It’s not graverobbing if you’re invited.”
Kylo bristled. “I meant for the aesthetic but technically, legally, yes it is.”
“What are you talking about?” The girl said for what turned out to be the third time - it’s very hard to be heard when you sound like the wind.
“Well, we have all the Space Conflict movies on DVD-”
“That’s like VHS,” Kylo said helpfully.
“And we already have two ghosts-”
“Three including the cat.”
“Fine!” Hux snapped, determined to get to the end of his sentence. “We have two human ghosts and a cat ghost in our apartment right now. I’m sure they’d welcome you, and then once you’ve watched everything you want to watch, we can always drop you off at a movie theatre or something so you never miss out again.”
“Oh that’d be radical!” The girl stopped and frowned. “But how do you do that? Are you talking about moving my body? Because that’s gross, and you might get arrested for that…”
“Oh no, no nothing like that.” Hux said reassuringly. “Ghosts usually get tied to objects, it’s an emotional thing. That’s why there’s fewer ghosts than you might expect in graveyards- they didn’t get buried with whatever they loved best.”
“One of guys is in a pocket watch!” Kylo added. “But since you are in a graveyard, I’m guessing you are buried with whatever the item is…”
“Hence the need for a shovel.”
She thought for a moment then said, “Well, my mom had a pendant of mine set into the headstone. Could it be that?”
“That would be soooo much easier than digging!”
“We can take it out and move it to see if you’re compelled to follow, but it seems a bit mean to your mum,” Hux mused, “She’ll think it’s been stolen… well, it will have been stolen, technically speaking.”
“My parents have a grave next to mine,” the girl said in the carefree way the dead tend to talk about others who’ve passed on. “And I didn’t have any siblings so, I don’t think anyone will notice.”
Kylo rubbed his hands together. “Alright, let’s go then!”
“I don’t understand what we’re supposed to do here,” Hux said, looking around the darkened room with disinterest.
They were in the lobby of a run down Victorian mansion. It looked like the Bates house in Psycho had had a baby with the shack from Evil Dead, complete with boarded up windows, chains on the doors and a creepy basement hatch that seemed to be the only way to progress.
“It’s an escape game,” Poe sighed. “You escape from it, the clue is in the name.” He was already regretting this entire double date idea. The local Halloween park had added a bunch of new experiences that he’d really wanted to try, but Escape From Haunted Mansion needed four players.
He knew he shouldn’t have invited Hux when the redhead’s facial expression went to from disinterest to amused contempt.
“It’s not exactly a labyrinth though is it?”
Behind him Kylo rolled his eyes and made a sarcastic talking gesture with his hand. “Oh, here we go with the Jareth thing again...”
“I wasn’t talking about him specifically, but yes I have had experiences with actual labyrinths...”
“It’s not a maze,” Poe cut in before the fight could start in earnest. “It’s a puzzle. Or a bunch of puzzles.”
“Each one uses a different skill set.” Finn added helpfully. “If we solve them all we can get out, that’s how you win. It’s about cooperation!”
“Huh,” Kylo looked around the room. At least he sounded interested now.
“I’ve solved it!” He cried after only a few seconds.
“That was fast...”
He grinned and ran to the nearest window. “These boards are just nailed here, we can rip them off and use them to smash the glass!! Then we can just climb out!!”
New Years Tradition -A Kylux Cryptids Story (6.3k Rated E)
On their first New Years together Hux and Kylo tried to sneak into Disney to enjoy the fireworks. Four years, many thousands of miles, a wedding, and more adventures than they can remember later they're back at the Magic Kingdom and this time they can actually afford to get in.
I present you a fluffy ghost story in the great winter tradition. Thank you.
