#the hard path

[freetheshit-outofyou]

[hlsd]

keep on keepin' on

So you know what? Today was a tough day. I woke at 4:45am and couldn’t get back to sleep for ages, finally did then slept through my alarm. Great start. The shit is really hitting the fan at work causing lots of worried faces; I’m out of a job anyway two weeks today with nothing lined up and nothing in sight, the job market fucking sucks ass right now, and I have rent and bills to pay that I don’t how long I’m going to be able to afford. It’d be safe to say my mood was a bit of a downer for the best part of the day.

We went to see The Killer Inside Me after work. I’m a fan of Michael Winterbottom; I think he’s an inventive and brave filmmaker (not to mention pretty prolific) and I’ll always give his films a chance. Plus, 24 Hour Party People is pretty great. I definitely dug The Killer Inside Me. Great visual style, great soundtrack – incredible performances. Yes, there was some pretty brutal violence, but it was in character, not for shock tactics. Though the audience drove me nuts (talking and making out loudly, rustling snacks, laughing at inappropriate moments), I left the cinema feeling a little better about things – good films always inspire – and walked home.

It was while procrastinating from writing that I had a look at Adam Green‘s Formspring, read some of the recent Q&As. Decided to post one myself, after a day like today.

My question was: How did you stay motivated and upbeat when you were just starting out? Sometimes I look ahead and the uphill struggle seems immense, and when there are bills to pay and people close to you not necessarily supporting what you’re trying to do, it can be kind of painful. I’m not about to give up but how did you get through the early rough patches?

Of course genius here didn’t notice there was a character limit for questions so the last part got cut off, but he was still kind of enough to answer:

“Because you have to know deep down that it’s this or nothing. You have to be able to find the comedy in being down and out and try to embrace the struggle and learn from it. The hard part is that I’ve seen so many struggle and NOT make it. The odds are against you. But if deep down you know that you really HAVE it and don’t just really WANT TO HAVE it… you gotta keep going until there is just no other option. I ate out of the trash at one point and during those awful times I definitely thought about trying to find another dream. But it just didn’t happen and I kept fighting and fighting. But find solace in your work. Write it out. Shoot to feel better. Don’t let the world’s negativity get you down or disenchant you. As you can see from the guy who asked a question below you [which was: “When everyone else here is done sucking your cock, can I suck it to get cast in a movie?”] – there are a lot of assholes out there who feel entitled or who just want to be douchebags because they are frustrated. Zone that all out and stay positive- even in times of duress. Chin up!"

And you know what? The pep talk worked.

A couple minutes later a text came through from the editor – all looking good, we’ve more or less got a final cut, and she’ll send it down on the weekend. Then I opened my current major writing project and managed to spill out about 5 pages in 20 minutes.

Everything Adam said in his response I’m aware of – this really is it for me. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, and for too long and for too many reasons it was out of my grasp, but now it feels so much nearer and if I just keep on, it could be there. I can find the comedy in having to couch surf and eating Tesco Value baked beans or inviting myself back to my parents’ for dinner too regularly, if necessary. And I know the odds are against me. Always have been. But it’s a risk worth taking. I have no other dream. I don’t think I could at this point. How can you trash something you’ve wanted for so long, just because it seemed too hard? Creativity has always been my solace, as I’m sure it is for many others, and perhaps I should look at this impending period of no (paid) work as a chance to really focus on writing and filmmaking (second short is already in early preproduction) while jobhunting at the same time. Unfortunately it’s not always so easy to not let the world’s negativity get you down – have you seen the state of this planet at the moment? – but by focusing on the smaller things, the things you can work at and change, it’s possible to stay positive, and keep that chin up.

As another wise New Englander (hey Chris Hall, I’m looking at you) once said to me, Keep On Keepin’ On.

[hlsd]

the short answer is Never Give Up

2010 has been a very odd year and it’s culminated recently in a verging-on-existential-crisis-moment. Just one of those WTF Am I Doing kind of feelings that’s been exacerbated by still being out of work and being given notice on my beautiful place in Bloomsbury, meaning I may have to move back to my parents for a while (eeek). I sat down to write a basic day-to-day email to my BFF in NY, and it ended up turning into a rather epic outpouring of everything. His response was the best pep talk ever – raw, honest, verging on brutal – but it’s what I needed to hear. What I already knew on some level, I guess, but you still want someone who knows the path, who’s been there, is already there, to tell you about it. Excerpts below, because I think it bears frequent reading:

From: Dan

To: Hannah

Date: Mon, Aug 30, 2010 at 3:57 PM

Subject: Re: this turned into a really epic email. like, get-a-cup-of-coffee long. “…[It’s] the usual existential crisis for the creative class – those of us with the permanent job problem since all we really want to do is make things and learn. Let me tell, you, it only gets tougher as you get older and everyone you know has kids and steadiness and plans and savings accounts… …Those years from 17-26 are never wasted, or to be more precise, they are the part of us that is shaped by not worrying, trying things out, getting lost, being stupid, having fun and through it all, forming our ideas and ideals. I mean, when did you learn to be passionate? Not just about film, but about life (and film too)? Those are the years… What you mustn’t do is think you’re done being passionate (or stupid or wasted or having fun) even though this is the time for you to focus that passion towards satisfying Greater Needs. For most people, those years almost accidentally lead them onto a path, through a relationship, or kids, or a job that started out fine and then became permanent. (I don’t mean to say none of those people are passionate, but it does get beaten out of one.) While you’re out having fun, you end up dancing into a box and boom you’re stuck. For a few of us, we were never really going to let that happen. For us, the passion is the point. So then, the only question is, what are those Greater Needs I mentioned? It is a simple human desire to be satisfied – no, pleased (overjoyed!) – at the products of our hands and hearts and minds. It is, unfortunately, not in the interests of Capitalism for us to express or even understand that desire. We are removed from our work, and our labor is at the service of Capital only. We are taught to subsume those desires under an unformed lust for shoes and shiny things. So of course the road is tough for those of us trying to make it in the Matrix, when it all just looks like ugly code… I’m telling you, that part will not get easier. It is only easy for the Trustafarians and the Insanely Fortunate. We are really neither, and have to use the light of our little personal passions as the beacon to carry us through the Dark Nights. I have indeed had many of these nights recently, but every day I thank the gods for that beacon, for without it, I would be truly lost. …Make your goals and to-do lists enormous in scope, but small in steps. Baby steps will get you the way, on steadier feet. (Much better than standing around waiting for your feet to grow…) Keep talking to everyone you can. Keep pushing as hard as you can, no matter what. Hannah, I’ll keep saying it – it only gets harder. Turn up the music and the light on that beacon and know that you are doing the right thing. That excitement you feel when you think about making movies is the key; is there anything else that could make you so completely happy and feeling worthwhile?!? Remember also that we have little say over where the wind and weather will blow our little boats. Just keep that beacon in sight, and your life will be right. I love you. Stay strong.”

So I guess, in other words, keep on keepin’ on…

[whitenoiseblackknight]

I think I have always loved labyrinths, or mazes, or both, at least I have loved them for as long as I can remember. This means that I was always likely to be biased in favour of The Architects by Shunt and I note that reviews have been mixed; but none the less you should go if you have the chance, or if you like 'modern' theater, or if you always thought that Daedalus was treated poorly for someone who delivered his project on time and to spec.

[valerie-jeanne]

Challenge accepted.