I don’t like doing things by halves, so when the going gets tough, I don’t do them at all. I think it’s something to do with a need I have to do things perfectly. A lot of the time if I end up thinking that I can’t do something perfectly (who can?) I’d rather just avoid doing it at all. Problem solved.
This also goes for my creative endeavours, or lack thereof. My whole life I’ve looked up to those who create music. When I was about 13 years old I made my mum buy me a guitar because I wanted to be Avril Lavigne. I dabbled in adolescent song writing when I broke up with my first boyfriend, but only let a very select few hear my efforts. From then until now my efforts have been minimal because “you know, I’ve just been too busy”.
Well hello lockdown.
Pre-lockdown I joined a band. The other members, who are all seasoned musicians, have been churning out bangers faster than I can keep up. As vocalist, I have a responsibility to write lyrics and melodies to some of these bangers. The last time I wrote a song, I was 17 and heart broken. Now I’m just bored and hungry. Terrifying.
Why is this terrifying? Because now I can’t avoid the reality that I am not perfect. I have four other band members who are waiting on me to contribute to their work, and I am in lockdown and have no excuse not to. Now I have to write a song, and it actually might be real shit.
You see, I really enjoy the end result of being creative but, man, I hate the process. It’s mainly the thought process I hate, and the emotions that process stirs up.
Recently in lockdown, I wrote melody and lyrics for one of our new songs. This is the thought process that I worked through:
“I’ll do it on the weekend” – immediate relief, subsequent guilt.
“I’ll do it tomorrow” – as above.
“This will be shit, and they will laugh at me” – anxiety.
“This rhymes too much” – embarrassment.
“I hope so and so doesn’t think I wrote this about them” – worry.
“This part sounds too much like that other song” – disappointment, annoyed.
“So and so is better at this than me” – jealousy.
“Maybe this is really good” – excitement.
“Probably not” – disappointment.
Etc.
Anyways, despite all these negative thoughts, I finished the song and in the end it’s not half bad. One thing that being creative in lockdown has meant is that I am stripped of many of my usual excuses (or actual legitimate reasons) to not be - such as not having enough time or energy. That shows that often the only barrier to doing something that can easily be done in the confines of your own home, is well, yourself.
Therefore, I trudged on in the face of all my self-doubt and the uncomfortable possibility that I might create something that is a pile of garbage. What a hero. What I am trying to say is that it’s easy to let our inner critic get in the way of us doing things that are meaningful. I’m learning that I am allowed to be imperfect and create lyrical stinkers, because that’s the only way I can get better. Same goes for everything in life. Maybe one day soon I will reach song writing perfection, and pump out the next Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit.
Written by Nalita Anne, vocalist of The Tacks
With the whole world in lockdown, there’s no gigs to cover anywhere, so we’re compiling a whole lot of thingamajigs from creatives in the music scene. If you’d like to contribute a thingamajig (selection of photos/a short essay/list of things you’ve seen from your window) fire us an email at [email protected]
