It's about time I actually had a good rant on here instead of on twitter.
Mainly because this is where I can focus, and actually unpack what's going on.
Twitter i'm able to use twt longer but I semi prefer threading replies so people can keep up with my bullshit lol.
JUST A PRE WARNING: THERE MAY BE WORDS IN THIS POST THAT ARE TRIGGERING. I can't keep track of all of them, it's about mental health, plural stuff/osdd stuff and depression and other things that have psychology terms. If this bothers you PLEASE DO NOT READ AHEAD for your safety.
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Today marks the week where everyone in the headspace has agreed that I need to stay out as long as possible to sort what's going on. This is because while it's everyone that's effected to a point, the core of the problem is me.
I've been going at it like a jackrabbit since kie left.
Sai's not coping, and he well - he keeps trying to resurrect what's left of his nearly dead husband. By that I mean he knows that the fading asshole's concioussness is spread across both Weasel and I and some through the rest of the four of us but mostly us two. I'm angry at him, and it plays out like it always does cause of our imagination being fucking like a drug somedays - it's never just like a normal headspace... it's the bane of being the same headspace that fuels the canon of the writing.
Exception: Just because some of this is semi canon in the books doesn't mean it isn't extemely hard to navigate when it hits before it becomes canon. The descision to make certain subjects canon depends on HOW we manage it. The fact that we made the choice to make Mike's stupidity in soul bonding with me as well - canon, just proves we're trying to work through our bullshit.
The books ARE our therapy, and we DO KNOW that there's value in the story because people like a fantastical world.
The depression may not be chemical in the sense that i'm pretty sure I know what this is and it wouldn't matter anyways (We have ADHD on the outside, and most of us four have it on the inside - so none of us can take SSRI's because ADHD meds) - If we COULD take meds we'd still have to work this shit out somehow.
I'm not depressed because I'm losing myself.
Let's get this clear, for once in our lives - I know which one -I- am.
There's always shit about me I don't know.
Kieran would tell you he knew, and near the end he did.
But it took him splitting, stretching his soul and everything else and walking past the threshold for him to realise that it was too late.
He couldn't repair himself, and the only way to do it would be to "integrate" and cause even more pain. Sai's suggested this, and he's done this because he's clearly still in pain.
He's also in pain because every day he wakes up and sees four different versions of his husband that aren't him. I mean that i'm not excusing his abusive bullshit, because i'm sick of it - but i'm also aware that he's losing his mind over this.
The shit i'm feeling is more than just usual anxiety though.
I've been probably over worried and hiding on the inside so I don't have to deal with shit on the outside? I do'nt know, i JUSTT have not been working well being out long and I was getting anxious.
Dysphoria's setting in harder then when Kieran started doing the streaming thing - because while i'm the main front runner for the most part (we share it, so nobody dies this time) - And i'm aware of what body i'm in, when i'm not faced with LOOKING AT IT from a mirror or camera - the Dysphoria's not terrible *exception: mom has made potshots about how things look because we don't wear a chest binder out of stupidty we just wear sports bras - sometime soon i'll fix this.* - But it's not just FEAR OF MISSING OUT anixety, or even Dysphoria, it's the fact that i get worried that when i'm on stream i'll switch and stress people out.
I need to actually talk with the community about this somehow, and see how I can work this out because that's another issue i've had. I can't force my community on twitch to take my bullshit - to take our issues from the inside and just accept them... but I wouldn't mind having a safety net command or i dunno - maybe having a button to pull me to the front isn't safe? I dont know.
I'm just.
I'm BLAH.
I'm not feeling DEAD inside - not like I want to walk into a bus level depression.
This is different.
This is i'm just SAD and fucking broken over a bunch of shit and it's toying with us. We have things we want to complete, we have things we want to do. Yes, before when Kieran was at the front therew as a "DEAD INSIDE LETS WALK IN FRONT OF A BUS" sense no matter what year it was - that was Autism burnout because we were burning both ends trying to work and study.
Why do you think we'd split more since 2015?
Originally Rana's name was Kristoff and his middle was Rana.
>_> and then last year we argued over middle names, and almost strangled each other fighting over who had what name lmao
We're likely NOT going to further study, because the financial and long term commitments to it, and the amount we'd gain from it isn't enough to torment ourselves.
I'm just ...
I know where this comes from.
this TORMENT.
I've not been dealing with the "You've taken over for Kie."
Everything i've been doing has been to tiptoe around poeple around on the outside so i do'nt have to admit someone's kicked the bucket on the inside (a few know)
And the way I know the difference when Sai tries to pull Kie back through from near death?
I Know how his emptiness feels.
I know how the lack of his existence feels.
Because he gave us ... god this sounds so religious nadi t's not.
He didn't "DIE TO GIVE US ETERNAL LIFE" *snort* HE didn't pick up being GOD or some shit...
Just that what was left of him we picked the pieces up and shared it.
We didn't want him to be forgotten, and just left to be a remnant that torments us later on.
We wanted him to live in our memories and we wanted to recognize good and bad.
I know he fused with me, but the way we all work is shared at least with the four of us.
There's been good things out of this..
Weasel's far more out of his shell.
Rana's trying to be less of a shell XD
Ryan's trying to less rely on Noah, and Noah's trying not to rely on yelling about Australia lmao.
I know i had plans to unpack shit on here...
but i'm distracted.
I just know how shitty I feel over all - and It's my job to fix some of it slowly.
because it's me.
It's now nearly two months.
I gotta get out of this fucking hole and stop faking it.
