Sizzler roasting Illumina (and the poor clueless co-commentator) (Bonus: Illumina’s response)
(From the “Illumina vs. OutrageousJosh: 1.16.1 Glitchless Any% Invitational”, Sep. 5th 2021)
(Transcript under the cut)
Sizzler: He had the RTA record for a day, and then it got beaten, ‘cause that’s what happens when Illumina gets records now. [cut] He gets world record, then it gets beaten the next day.
Maximumcolor: So Illumina needs to get more records so that everyone can push past him.
Sizzler: Yeah, come on Illumina, stop being lazy!
[cut]
(Illumina is entering the bastion, his opponent is in the fortress)
Maximumcolor: So Illumina actually went out of his way to go to the bastion from the fortress
Sizzler: Which is not the way around I would expect this to happen, because Illumina is kinda known for doing fortress first. So... I’m dissapointed.
[cut]
Sizzler: ...and three, is technically the obby.
Maximumcolor: Uh, can you explain to me what R.B. is?
Sizzler, confused: R.B.?
Maximumcolor: R.B. Arby. O.B. Obby! Obsidian!
Sizzler: Obby!!
Maximumcolor: -that’s what you’re trying to say.
Sizzler: Obsidian!!
Maximumcolor: Obsidian!
[cut]
Sizzler: ...especially because this version has only been out for... [Illumina is falling off a cliff in the nether, but Illumina pearls to the ground] OH NO! Okay. He is fine.
[cut]
(Illumina is outside his first blind portal, spwaning above an ocean)
Sizzler: ...tools instead of armour, but... he also spawns above an ocean here, which is not very nice for calculated travel. [here Sizzler is narrating things as they happen:] So he’s gonna throw an eye, speedbridge to pick it up, miss it, and has to drop down in shame [Illumina is swimming down to get the eye]. [cut] He can’t do any sort of calculated now, ‘cause he has no idea what his original angle was. So he’s just gonna throw that one eye and... pray? He’s gonna do the “Pray Strat”? Yeah? He’s just gonna guess-timate the angle... and go.
[cut]
Sizzler: Alright... I’m back. Did Illumina win yet?
[cut]
Sizzler: No Eye Spy because it wasn’t a calculated, it was a throw-and-pray, so.
[cut]
Sizzler: So if you’re trying to get food, and there’s pigs and cows, just go for pigs. Unless you think cows taste better, but I don’t think you can really taste when you eat in Minecraft, so.
[cut]
(Illumina is placing blocks in the eye direction)
Sizzler: Illumina is doing a type of triangulation that’s very... 2019-esque, where you just throw and hope you eventually find it, not doing any sort of distance estimation... He has not done anything that would be considered modern triangulation.
[cut]
(Illumina is in the end, shooting crytals with his crossbow)
Sizzler: He does have crossbow and... arrows, but decided to not use them, trying to get the 1 in 13, but he does not get the 1 in 13 so now he’s doing a very scuffed ground crossbow.
[cut]
(Illumina is waiting for a perch)
Maximumcolor: Now, what is Illumina doing sitting here on the soul sand?
Sizzler: Basically, what he’s just doing now is waiting for the dragon. He’s like “Okay, I’ve done all the work. I don’t wanna do anything else, I’m just waiting for the dragon. I know there’s more crystals to shoot, but... just let the dragon perch. I’m lazy, I don’t want to do anything else.”
[cut]
(Post game 1)
Maximumcolor: Some people might have no idea why we were throwing beds at the dragon.
Sizzler: It was tired! [cut] You’ll notice that the dragon never manages to like, rest anywhere. It’s always flying around. Even when it’s perched, it’s still flying! There’s no actually resting anywhere. So the beds really help the dragon take a nice, eternal nap.
[cut]
(Illumina is swimming into a ravine, and passes next to some diamonds)
Maximumcolor: ...fighting the golem was to get-
Sizzler: Aahhh! Diamonds!
Maximumcolor: There’s some diamonds that we don’t need.
Sizzler: Diamonds! Oh my gosh, get the diamonds! My streamer! Streamer! You missed the diamonds! [cut] I’m so dissapointed. How could... He missed the diamonds. They were right there!
[cut]
Sizzler: Is Illumina refusing to use F3? Is he not using F3 at all right now? [cut] Why is he using it now? He’s not even getting the angle! He’s just.... (distressed noises) Okay. We’re gonna have to talk to him after this. He’ll get a stern talking, I’m sure.
[cut]
(Illumina shot himself with his crossbow after finishing his run)
Sizzler: Oh! Illumina dies!
Maximumcolor: Shot by Illumina! The betrayal!
Sizzler: You can never trust Illumina.
[cut]
(Post-match interview)
Illumina: Sizzler commentates every tourney match I ever do, ever. He just roasts me every time, and like... I get it, but come on, dude! [cut] I know where I messed up, I don’t need Sizzler yapping at me.
