263 days
263 days.
It has been 263 days since I met you. Each day was a struggle as I keep up with the fact that you can never be mine and I can never be yours. I thought we can work it out, that it would turn out differently from those other people I have met. Well, I have thought wrong. It was just the same, everything’s just the same old routine and story.
378,720 minutes.
Each minute that I was awake, I never stopped thinking of the things that could have been. What if I have played it differently? Would it even matter? Would things change? If I were going to look back and see what the mistakes were, will you still be with me up until this moment? Or would you still choose her over me?
162 days.
The number of days we spent together in whatever we had. Those days had been full of ups and downs. Yes, you can compare it to a roller coaster ride. But not everyone is fond of roller coaster rides. Only the adrenaline junkies and the thrill seekers would be the ones who will enjoy that ride over and over again. But for the faint of heart, they won’t even dare to or if they do, they would never ride again. I guess I was one of those adrenaline junkies, huh? I knew where it was headed but still I kept on enjoying the ride. I guess I wasn’t thinking that clearly and all the craziness of this world has gotten into me. But you know why I did what I did? It was because you were there with me. That’s what I thought, but you never were. You may be physically there but I knew all along that your heart was in a different place.
233,280 minutes.
During that time, I thought you were just lost. I was willing to wait for you to find yourself and for you to realize the things I did. I waited for 233,280 minutes for you, but you never came to the place that I was waiting in. And again, I was wrong. It was pretty stupid, really.
102 days.
It has been 102 days since I decided to end it all. It was not easy. Each day was a struggle. There were some days that I just cannot hold back the tears much longer and even alcohol cannot make the pain go away. And even in my dreams, the memories of those 162 days we had kept haunting me. The ghost of you made me a living and breathing ghost. I have met a lot of people since then but none of them really mattered to me. They were good people but I chose to disappear from their lives forever. I decided to shut myself off from the world.
146,880 minutes
The time I’ve decided to shut myself off from the world was the time I decided to focus on myself. I did not really care about other people’s thoughts and feelings. I have built a wall around me. I decided not to let anybody in. I just let them see the surface and everything I have shown them was just an act. I have found my worth.
1320 hours.
I have spent countless hours reevaluating whether I should keep on building those walls or try to stop an let things be. Should I open myself up and try again? Or should I keep on running away whenever somebody tries to get close? I have thought of those things over and over again and weighed the consequences. Which hurts less? Which will have the least damages? Is it worth it?