Welcome to my chaotic mind

Johanna Christine Collit. UPLB. BS Biology major in Microbiology Frustrated photographer. Old soul. this is the “there’s-more-to-her-than-meets-the-eye" part...well some parts. stalk me. Twitter: @thatmorenagirl IG: jayceeeebel

[jayceebel]

03.19.18

[jayceebel]

Quit playing games and just tell me you want me

[misslindy-lou43]

[jayceebel]

For who could ever love a mentally unstable person like me?

[jayceebel]

[jayceebel]

If the world was blind, how many people would you impress?

In this time where technology is prominent and social media is popular in all ages, physical appearance seems to be the most important aspect in making a good impression to people. We can easily create the image we want people to see by just posting good photos, letting people see all the fabulous places we have been, letting people know how much stuff we can afford. We live in a time where how you look is the things that matters most. When you look good, dress well and have a rocking body, people will most probably like you and you would impress them right away.

But what if the world went blind? What if the person we are trying to impress is blind? Will these things still matter? How would you be able to describe who you are by just using words? How will you let people know and prove that you are indeed that person you are claiming you are in all of your social media accounts? How long will you be able to keep up with those things?

What I have realized is that yes, physical appearance can make an impression at first but in the long run, those things wouldn’t last. Your views about life, the endless meaningful conversations—those crazy ideas on how you can change the world and what you want to do to make the world a better place, the laughters you share and the corny jokes you crack, that idea of building a time machine so that you get to experience the life before technology became crazy.

So let me ask you this: if the world was blind, how many people would you impress?

[jayceebel]

Quarter Life Freak Out

“Aren’t we supposed to be great by this time?”

That line by Mace in the movie That Thing Called Tadhana kept on playing in my mind for days now. Looking back to the fantasy world my young, naive, and hopeful 12 year old self, at the age of 25, I should already be

1. Successful with my career

2. With the love of my life

3. Financially stable.

Successful with my career?

There are a few bumps along the way.

Financially stable? In fantasy world, I should have my own house, a badass car and a bank account loaded with $$$.

Found the love of my life? That’s the biggest zero in my life right now. In fantasy world, I should be riding off into the sunset with my Prince Charming at this age. But life happened. Failed relationships happened—betrayals, cheating, ghosting, insufficient expectations, trust issues and modern day dating. I have been browsing through my newsfeed and all I can see would be people of my age traveling with their significant other, getting engaged, getting married or having a baby on the way. It made me question myself— what happened? Am I too picky? Am I not good enough? Am I just meant to be forever alone?

[jayceebel]

I am a chainsmoker and you are my pack of cigarettes

At first, I thought you were bad for me

A lot of people say you are dangerous

A lot of them say you are deadly

At first I thought you were

But then I got a taste of you

At first I thought it wasn’t any good

But then again, there you were

Inviting me to have another

I got to try over and over again

You made all the worries, the stress and the pain go away

You were my escape

You lit up my darkest days

You were my 10 minute cigarette break

You made me crave for you

You made me want for more

You made me need you to be my escape

I am a chainsmoker and you were my pack of cigarettes

03.20.2019

[jayceebel]

If the world was blind, how many people would you impress?

In this time where technology is prominent and social media is popular in all ages, physical appearance seems to be the most important aspect in making a good impression to people. We can easily create the image we want people to see by just posting good photos, letting people see all the fabulous places we have been, letting people know how much stuff we can afford. We live in a time where how you look is the things that matters most. When you look good, dress well and have a rocking body, people will most probably like you and you would impress them right away.

But what if the world went blind? What if the person we are trying to impress is blind? Will these things still matter? How would you be able to describe who you are by just using words? How will you let people know and prove that you are indeed that person you are claiming you are in all of your social media accounts? How long will you be able to keep up with those things?

What I have realized is that yes, physical appearance can make an impression at first but in the long run, those things wouldn’t last. Your views about life, the endless meaningful conversations—those crazy ideas on how you can change the world and what you want to do to make the world a better place, the laughters you share and the corny jokes you crack, that idea of building a time machine so that you get to experience the life before technology became crazy.

So let me ask you this: if the world was blind, how many people would you impress?

[jayceebel]

263 days

263 days.

It has been 263 days since I met you. Each day was a struggle as I keep up with the fact that you can never be mine and I can never be yours. I thought we can work it out, that it would turn out differently from those other people I have met. Well, I have thought wrong. It was just the same, everything’s just the same old routine and story.

 378,720 minutes.

Each minute that I was awake, I never stopped thinking of the things that could have been. What if I have played it differently? Would it even matter? Would things change? If I were going to look back and see what the mistakes were, will you still be with me up until this moment? Or would you still choose her over me?

 162 days.

The number of days we spent together in whatever we had. Those days had been full of ups and downs. Yes, you can compare it to a roller coaster ride. But not everyone is fond of roller coaster rides. Only the adrenaline junkies and the thrill seekers would be the ones who will enjoy that ride over and over again. But for the faint of heart, they won’t even dare to or if they do, they would never ride again. I guess I was one of those adrenaline junkies, huh? I knew where it was headed but still I kept on enjoying the ride. I guess I wasn’t thinking that clearly and all the craziness of this world has gotten into me. But you know why I did what I did? It was because you were there with me. That’s what I thought, but you never were. You may be physically there but I knew all along that your heart was in a different place.

 233,280 minutes.

During that time, I thought you were just lost. I was willing to wait for you to find yourself and for you to realize the things I did. I waited for 233,280 minutes for you, but you never came to the place that I was waiting in. And again, I was wrong. It was pretty stupid, really.

  102 days.

It has been 102 days since I decided to end it all. It was not easy. Each day was a struggle. There were some days that I just cannot hold back the tears much longer and even alcohol cannot make the pain go away. And even in my dreams, the memories of those 162 days we had kept haunting me. The ghost of you made me a living and breathing ghost. I have met a lot of people since then but none of them really mattered to me. They were good people but I chose to disappear from their lives forever. I decided to shut myself off from the world.

 146,880 minutes

The time I’ve decided to shut myself off from the world was the time I decided to focus on myself. I did not really care about other people’s thoughts and feelings. I have built a wall around me. I decided not to let anybody in. I just let them see the surface and everything I have shown them was just an act. I have found my worth.

  1320 hours.

I have spent countless hours reevaluating whether I should keep on building those walls or try to stop an let things be. Should I open myself up and try again? Or should I keep on running away whenever somebody tries to get close? I have thought of those things over and over again and weighed the consequences. Which hurts less? Which will have the least damages? Is it worth it?

[jayceebel]

To My Almost Lover,

Thank you for not taking me to the next level. Thank you for not letting me take risks. Thank you for refusing my feelings back. Thank you for saying no. Thank you for not losing a friend. I would always be grateful for the little infinity we've had. I would always cherish every moment I had with you.

This isn't a sentiment but a form of regard. Majority would've called this a heartbreak but mine was a lesson. I learned not to make hasty decisions. I learned to set my stand.

I learned to set my standards not to the sense of greater expectations. I learned to love myself a little more for you've brought me to my value. I learned to wait patiently for you taught me not to assume for something more. I learned that not all love stories have happy endings, that not all "almosts" reaches higher stages. I learned to draw the line. I would be always grateful for the wisdom you directly implied. I would be always grateful with you.

We could've been the future but it was a gratitude for not dragging us to be each other's pasts. You staying in my present is more than enough. I'm happy with what we have right now. I guess this is how it really goes. You're merely an approximation but however, there are things inevitable for some reasons. There are things badly needed our approval. That not all you want you'll always get.

I can never thank you enough for refusing the love you won’t deserve, the love you’re not worthy of.

[jayceebel]

...

Pareho tayong nagpapakatanga sa isang tao. Ikaw sa kanya, ako naman sayo.

[jayceebel]

You are so unfair

You are so unfair. You let those demons eat you up, you let them consume you. You closed your doors, locked your windows and built a wall around you. You are still letting them hurt you. And the hurt you are feeling right now is twice the hurt I am feeling. I don’t know why. I don’t want to see you being eaten by those demons. You don’t deserve that.

You are so unfair. You don’t let the people around you have the chance to show you the love you deserve. You let yourself be dragged into the unknown, into the darkness that shouldn’t exist anymore.You are so unfair. You failed to see that you deserve everything in this world. You don’t let other people let you see and feel the happiness that she was not able to give to you.

You are so unfair. You didn’t even gave me the chance to show the love I could give to you, all the happiness that I could’ve given. Seeing you hurt hurts me more.

[fotogrimsi-deactivated20180915]

[jayceebel]

08.08.18

[jayceebel]

03.19.18

[jayceebel]

Ano nga ba ang meron sa mundo ng mga dapat?

Ilang taon na ba ang nakalipas simula nung una tayong nagkakilala? Tanda mo pa ba? Syempre, oo. Pero tanda mo pa ba kung anong nangyari nung araw na yun? Siguro hindi na. Pero ako, oo, tanda ko pa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, hindi ko alam kung paano. Pero oo, natatandaan ko pa din.

Naisip ko noon, paano kaya kung wala tayo sa mundo ng mga dapat? Paano kaya kung nasa ibang sitwasyon tayo noon? Paano kaya tayo ngayon?

Nung araw na yun, sa mundo ng mga dapat, masaya kayo at masaya din kami. Sa mundo ng mga dapat, sya ang mahal mo at ako ay may sarili ding mahal.

Siguro, kung wala tayo sa mundo ng mga dapat, simula na yun ng isang magandang kwento. Pero hindi. Nasa mundo tayo ng mga dapat kung saan pareho tayong masaya sa mga taong dapat ay sa atin, sa mga taong inakala nating mamahalin tayo at mamahalin natin hanggang sa matapos ang kwento. Akala lang pala natin yun.

Nung mga panahon na yun, nasa mundo pa tayo ng mga dapat. Pero katulad ng ibang mundo, hindi yun perpekto. Nagkakilala tayo at nakilala natin ang isat isa sa paglipas ng panahon. Pero kinailangan pa rin nating manatili sa mundo ng mga dapat dahil may mga taong nakatakda sa ating dalawa.