The Last of the Rons - The Lost Unfinished Script
WARNING: The following script was unearthed from the bowels of my computer and contains unfinished material that will remain unfinished because it’s just too dumb to continue. Nevertheless, I think it’s kind of funny and I have a friend who might get a kick out of it. I also feel too tired today to write a new Word A Day piece like I usually do on Wednesdays. So instead, here’s a little taste of what the bowels of my computer look like. You have been warned:
THE LAST OF THE RONS - A Film Starring Nicolas Cage (probably)
SCENE 1
FADE IN:
OPEN on a desolate nuclear wasteland. Unconscious in the middle of a crater lays RON JACKSON (Nic Cage), a former lawyer and part time Hooter’s waitress (on the weekends). He awakes and sits up abruptly, looking around frantically.
RON: Honey? Kids? What’s going on? Where’d you go? (He rubs his forehead and grunts. He looks around at the desolate wasteland) Uh oh.
RON (Voiceover): In that moment I knew nothing would ever be the same. (Pause for dramatic effect) My name is Ron Jackson and I am the last of the Rons.
RON: (Looks up at the sky and raises his hands above his head) ROOOOOOOOONNNN!!!!!!
PAN OUT away from Ron and fade to black.
ROLL TITLE CREDITS.
END SCENE.
SCENE 2
FADE IN:
EXT. Lovely Suburban Neighborhood (Possibly 1950’s style)—Morning
CHEVRON: One Week Earlier
A PAPERBOY is out on his route. We follow him as he throws paper after paper at identical house after identical house. An OLD WOMAN comes out of one of the houses to pick up her paper.
OLD WOMAN: Thanks for the paper, Ron!
PAPERBOY: You’re welcome, Miss Ron!
OLD WOMAN: (To herself) Such a good little Ron.
The paperboy continues on his route until he stops in front of one of the houses and leaves his bike on the sidewalk. He sighs as he walks up to the front door and rings the doorbell. As he waits, he hears a huge commotion coming from inside the house. It sounds like heavy machinery and human screaming. There’s also some maniacal laughter. This does not shock the paperboy; he just sighs and rolls his eyes. He has obviously been to this house before. After a moment the door opens to reveal a very sweaty and dirty Ron Jackson. He is wearing a pink apron with “Kiss the Ron” written on it, yellow dishwashing gloves, and ski goggles.
RON: What the Ron do you want?
PAPERBOY: (Monotone, as if reading from a script) Hello Mr. Jackson. I know you don’t like it when the paper is thrown at your door, so I am delivering it to you in person.
RON: Ah, very good. But you forgot the last part.
PAPERBOY: (mumbles) Because you’re worth it.
RON: What the Ron was that?
PAPERBOY: (slightly louder) Because you’re worth it.
RON: And?
PAPERBOY: And because you have a bomb.
RON: And?
PAPERBOY: Um, I thought that was it.
RON: Really? I could have sworn I included a part about me being incredibly handsome. Well from now on, include that.
PAPERBOY: (Takes out a notepad and pen) How do you want me to phrase that sir?
RON: How about, “You are the most sexually virile Ron in all of Ronville.”
PAPERBOY: (writes it down begrudgingly and then puts the pad away) Here’s your paper, most sexually virile Ron in all of Ronville.
RON: (Taking the paper) Be gone with thee, knave.
Ron slams the door in the paperboy’s face and the paperboy stomps away.
END SCENE
So there you have it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
-Joe