I am me in my perfected form a poem or song or something about sappy, pathetic little me.
I was obsessed with Gwen Stefani when she was still in No Doubt. I was Cindy Lou Who. I was the coolest little girl in the entire world. I was born weird. If you don’t believe me, then you think my mother is a liar. I did not have a body then. I didn’t know I was Erica’s fat little friend. I heard a song that made me realize my personality may have partially formed in response to a fourth-grade weigh-in. I sat against a locker and lied to Gigi. I told her I was 81 pounds. I felt like a linebacker. I felt like a girl named Helga with a mole. I crawled into a kitchen cupboard and listened to Dana defend my honor while I realized I was just the fat friend. So I perfected my form. I broke my best friend’s heart because they saw me, I didn’t care then, I would have rather been seen by a skateboard. I became a trail of motivational quotes on post-it notes written by a fourth-grade girl who thought she was fat. It just led to me passed out in my bunk bed with my hand inside a bag of chipped chop ham. “You’re walking stupid.” “You’re walking stupid. Everybody’s looking at you.” Isaac told me, ”You googled yourself so many times, you started trending.” One hundred and nine. One hundred and ten. My phone consistently unhooks from the charger I bought at Dollar Tree. So if you hear a little bit of Bada Bing with a Pipe, It’s from my fucking 2008 Warped Tour CD. When it reconnects it plays All I Want for Christmas is you. Not by Mariah Carey. My Chemical Romance. I’ll make sure to open Spotify so you think I’m cool again. I cast people I know as the singers of bands. Max Bemis was my friend, and I was Intro by The XX. It was like talk therapy handing me the feelings chart. I circled SAD like a six-year-old. And I sat in my car and blared songs In hopes the person at the light next to me knew who I was. ADMIT IT!!! I knew he was emotional and trapped in his egotistical mind because he was a lost boy. I felt narcissistic almost, but I’m doing this because I’m so fucking flimsy. I just needed to be an itty-bitty little alternative cool music girl I saw online. The game needed me, And it needed me at Memphis and 53rd. So I became the music industry bitch. I got the Sony contract. I used my music taste as a clinical feelings chart. I became what I thought I was supposed to be In order to be how I wanted to be perceived. I masterclassed it. I am the music industry, bitch I am Gwen Stefani. I am the Tragic Kingdom, and I am Returning to Saturn, With a trail of motivational quotes From a fourth-grade girl who thinks she’s fucking fat. I perfected my form, And now all I want is to be fourth grade again.
