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You Hold My Heart

I remember everything clearly. It was supposed to be a happy day. A day that I could wish it would last forever. After all it was our fifth year celebration of being together, we were not married yet but we had talked about it. I wanted the day to be special. I wanted it to be memorable. All I can say is that it was.

I had bought movie tickets to see Jon’s favorite movie that was out in theaters. We were going to see “The Dark Knight Rises.” Afterward we were supposed to go to a fancy restaurant for dinner and then stroll around the strip mall, window shopping in the iridescent moonlight. It was supposed to be the best night of my life; it turned out to be the worst.

I remember that we walked in to the dark theater, after buying popcorn and soda. We took our seats directly in the middle of the room. It was the usual seedy dark red colored room with squeaky, worn chairs, and forgotten, stale popcorn hiding on the floor. A place so familiar now turned into the place where nightmares haunt me. We moved the arm rest that separated us so that we could comfortably snuggle up next to each other. The movie began. The shifting brightness from the images on the screen cast dancing shadows around the room. Everyone settled in their seats, letting whispers die down as the sound of the movie took over. The door opened for one last time, closing with a loud thump. A man stomped in, letting the loud thump, thump, thump, of his footsteps echo around the room. I moved my eyes to the doorway to try and make out who was making such a ruckus, when I saw it. A black, automatic gun held so casually in the man’s hands. My eyes swelled with fear as the man with flaming orange hair unleashed chaos. He pointed and shot. BOOM a soul lost. BOOM another one. I screamed along with the crowd, grabbing Jon’s hand, holding him in a tight hug, as I did. Jon reacted immediately. He pushed me on the ground and threw his body over mine, protecting me, saving me. I looked Jon in the eyes. He had tears streaming down his fearful face but he did not look anywhere else but at me and I at him. I heard the shots getting closer and closer to where we were. I cried. He screamed above the turmoil and said

“I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT CHANTEL REMEMBER THAT.”

I mouthed “I love you too.”

But it was too late. BOOM. His eyes rolled back and the full weight of his dead body fell upon me. I was in such utter shock that I did not scream, I did not move, I simply lay there feeling warm blood creep onto me. It took me a few moments to realize what had happened. Regaining my focus I pushed Jon’s now dead body off of me, and stood trying to find the orange haired man. I scanned the dark room trembling with rage. I saw him, point and BOOM, another life stolen from his weapon. I ran through the people, around dead bodies, and over wounded ones, until I reached where the man was at. I screamed at him.

“KILL ME. KILL ME YOU COWARD!!!! LET ME BE WITH HIM. KILL ME! Please...” I said as I wept. He began to point the mouth of the gun at me, but it was too late. The security tackled him and took away his metallic vampire. “NO!” I screamed at the top of my lungs as I fell to my knees begging for death to take me. It did not. Like a zombie I stood and walked over to where my precious Jon lay. I dropped down and held him in my arms. His body had turned cold and marbled with death. I felt something in his pocket. Without thinking I reached in and pulled the object out. It was a small, black velvet, box. My heart sank lower then I believed possible at that moment. I knew what this was. Hoping I was wrong, I opened the tiny box. To my despair I was right. It was an engagement ring. The ring was beautiful. It was white gold with a black pearl crowing the top, stealing the spotlight from the surrounding diamonds. Jon had remembered that my birth stone is the pearl and that I had always admired black pearls. I looked intently at it, as tears sung my eyes. What I saw next glistening in the still dark room broke my heart forever. Engraved on the inside of the ring was “To my Life Saver – Love Jon.” I put the ring on and kissed his cold lips, whispering in his unhearing ears “I do”. I sat there for what seemed a life time holding his body close and weeping so hard my bones ached with misery. The police walked in and asked me to go with them. I did not want to leave. The police took me by the arm and tried to pull me away from Jon but I fought them off. They finally carried me out by both arms while I screamed and thrashed calling out Jon’s name.

Days turned into weeks that passed by slowly. Often I stayed awake all night hugging a pillow, crying until there were no tears left to shed, and yet I still cried. My friends and family tried to get me out of the now empty house that I had shared with Jon for so long. They tried to cheer me up and return a smile to my face. But my smile would not come. My smile was stolen from me. Countless times I saw the orange haired monster, James Holmes, flash across my television. He had stolen my smile and I would never get it back. After the funeral everyone was expecting me to mourn and move on. It was not that simple.

More weeks pass after more weeks, as a thought about my life. I remember a teacher I had once. He was a balding man that was tall and intelligent. He assigned the class to read a sonnet. I forget the name but I remember he told us that the meaning of it was that love is only possible because we die. Before I lost Jon I thought that was actually a pretty logical sonnet. Now I think the author of that sonnet never found true love. I had. I found the one person in this world that I would love until the end of time. He was a lover, a companion, and my best friend. I had given myself completely to him. He was my other half, my missing piece. So I pondered how anyone would be able to “move on” or “live again” with a shattered heart. My mother did not quite understand why I could not get over it. She had been divorced, so I doubt she ever could understand. She had never found a soul mate. But Jon… Jon was my LIFE. There is no possible way to describe how much I miss him. He held my heart from the second we met. I guess that makes me a corpse now. He was dead and my heart stopped beating in sync with his. I no longer understand what I am living for. I no longer feel anything but grief and sorrow. I look around me and see that everyone is dyeing to live, and I am the only one living to die. Living is torcher, my very soul begs for the pain to end. That is why to anyone and everyone that is reading this letter, I am sorry. I just told you what is most vivid in my memory, the endless nightmares that never cease to enter dreams. Yet I cannot bring some of the nightmares that haunt me in the daylight and kill me in the lonely darkness in to words. I am sorry if you think that taking my life is selfish, but unless you suffer as I have suffered, then you cannot understand what a glimmer of hope suicide is. I am crying tears of joy for the first time since his death because I know Jon is waiting for me on the other side. I know the second I die, I will feel the warmth of Jon’s body, I will feel his strong arms wrap around me in embrace, and I will feel his lips pressed against mine once more. I love you all, but I cannot live when Jon still holds my heart. I NEED Jon. Mom, Dad, all my friends, do not blame yourselves you did everything right. You tried everything. I am just beyond the point of repair. I am so sorry to have to put you though this but I know you all are stronger than I can ever be. Good-bye, I love you all.”

The woman sank down next to her daughter’s now lifeless body. Grief stricken and destroyed. She moved the gun that the body still held, away from her daughter and wept with agony that she had never felt before. Her ex-husband rushed in next to her giving her a shoulder to cry on and a person to hold. He slowly picked her up and took her out of the room so she would not have to stare at the bloody scene displayed before their eyes. All the while the woman clutched on to the letter that was the last piece of her living daughter’s life. They buried Chantel next to her true love, the engagement ring still on her finger. They were together forever again.

-The End-

This is dedicated to all the people who have been affected by the Aurora Movie Theater shooting in Colorado on July 20th, 2012. May peace find them all.

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