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Tragic: Luigi Mangione Commits Suicide By Shooting Self in Back of the Neck While Tied Up to Chair

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - In a tragic turn of events, Luigi Mangione was found dead in his jail cell Tuesday with a gunshot wound in the back of his head while tied up to a chair. The death was ruled a suicide by authorities. This came while Mangione was awaiting trial for the murder of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson.

“Cases like this are always tragic,” said Detective Roy Hansen, who was in Mangione’s jail cell seconds after his death to declare it a suicide. “He was just about to go to trial, and then boom, he’s just gone. It’s a real shame that we won’t be hearing from him anymore.”

Hansen also made note of the circumstances surrounding Mangione’s death. “He clearly went to great lengths to end his own life,” Hansen stated. “He was tied up to a chair with duct tape covering his mouth. There was a gunshot wound on the back of his head, maximizing the impact. It’s clear that this act of suicide was deliberate and not an accident. I just can’t believe it.”

With Mangione gone, he was posthumously found guilty and all evidence against Thompson and all evidence against UnitedHealthcare was summarily shredded.

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Trump Defends Wrongful Man’s Deportation: ‘He Looked Like He Could Handle El Salvador’

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following the controversial deportation of 29 year old Kilmar Ábrego García, a U.S. citizen who was deported to El Salvador without due process, President Donald Trump has gone on to defend ICE’s decision to deport García, claiming that he looked like he “could handle” El Salvador.

“It was an honest mistake on ICE’s part,” Trump said during a press briefing. “But it’s nothing he can’t handle. This gentleman is a large Mexican guy. He’ll fit right in at El Salvador.” Trump, who insisted that he had nothing to do with García’s deportation and put all the blame on ICE, called García’s deportation an “administrative error” and blamed it on there “being too many countries these days.”

“Back in my day, we only had a few countries,” Trump explained. “We had America, England, France, and maybe even Spain if you were feeling a little exotic. But now we’ve got El Salvador, Ecuador, Honduras, you know, all them Mexican countries. It’s just way too many to keep track of.”

Despite claiming that García’s deportation was a mistake, Trump would still go on to praise ICE’s “instinctive policing.” “Sometimes you just gotta trust your gut,” Trump said. “I’ve seen the guy. He definitely looks like he could be from El Salvador. I don’t blame ICE at all for mistaking his identity.”

Despite the widespread criticism, Trump continues to remain defiant. “He should be thanking us,” Trump concluded. “We basically gave him a free vacation to an El Salvadoran prison. The one where they keep all the Cartel bosses. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime that most Americans won’t ever get to experience.”

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Trump Annoyed That He Actually Has to Run Country

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Claiming that this was not what he signed up for, President Donald Trump has reportedly grown increasingly frustrated in recent weeks over the gripping responsibilities that being president entails. According to Trump, he was under the impression that being president wouldn’t be too different from his campaign, so when he was suddenly expected to lead the country out of its economic troubles, he was naturally in for a shock.

“Things were so much easier when I was just running for president,” Trump sighed to White House staffers. “All I had to do was complain about Sleepy Joe and the radical left at my rallies and then all my supporters would cheer and cheer. But now, I’m suddenly expected to read intelligence briefings, attend public policy meetings, and make decisions about foreign policy or whatever. Don’t these people know that I have a life too? I simply don’t have time to be bombarded with all this crap.”

In an effort to take much of the workload off him, Trump has suddenly decided to put most everyday responsibilities on DOGE director Elon Musk. “They say that he technically can’t be president because he was born outside the United States,” Trump said. “But nobody said that he can’t help me as president. I’ll still be president, but it’ll be a much more ceremonial position, think like the King of England but much more sexy. Elon will be like the Prime Minister, but with more unchecked powers. This will give me time to do more important things, like go golfing at Mar-a-Lago.”

At publishing time, Trump was seen inside the Oval Office, eating ice cream in front of the TV while Musk signed executive orders for him in his name.

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Trump Welcomed in Saudi Arabia With Public Execution Display

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA - Calling it the best greeting that he’s ever received from a foreign country, President Donald Trump was welcomed in Saudi Arabia Tuesday with a red carpet, a crowd of cheering patrons, and a front row seat to a public execution that was held in his honor.

The ceremony included a display of convicted journalists, activists, religious minorities and homosexuals, all of whom were publicly beheaded in front of a large crowd, with President Trump and the Saudi Royal Family in the front row.

“You see? This is how you treat a world leader,” Trump reportedly told Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. “I’ve been to a lot of ceremonies. A lot. But this? I’ve never been to a ceremony like this before. A ceremony that treats its guest with such a terrific welcome — a welcome that people are willing to take their own lives over. It’s tremendous — spectacular, really.”

Trump also expressed interest in having public executions in the United States. “I’ve been telling them that we need to start doing what they’re doing in Saudi Arabia,” Trump said. “The people in Saudi Arabia have such respect and dignity because they live in a constant state of fear. They still have shame. But whenever I bring this up the left always goes on about ‘human rights’ and ‘tolerance.’ You won’t even believe how bad wokeness has gotten in our country!”

Mohammed bin Salman praised the event as a symbol of the nation’s “shared values,” something that both nations hope to bring to light during Trump’s visit to the country.

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Nation’s Biggest Dumbass Doesn’t See Need for Department of Education

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Calling the government institution “completely unnecessary,” the country’s biggest dumbass, President Donald Trump, has once again stated his intention to completely dismantle the Department of Education, claiming that there isn’t a reason for it to exist in this day and age.

“The Department of Education is a complete and utter disaster,” Trump said in a post to Truth Social. “We’re wasting billions of dollars to educate our nation’s young people when they all have social media, television, and books that they can use to learn completely for free. It’s all one big waste, people!”

Trump has also expressed concern about the supposed “woke” learning content being taught in schools across the country. “There’s no learning going on anymore,” Trump claimed. “It’s all indoctrination. They’re teaching kids to hate America, and that’s something that I just can’t stand for.”

Trump’s plan to dismantle the Department of Education has received criticism as it would cause public schools to lose a significant amount of their funding, and could severely hurt programs such as special education and low income student assistance, something that Trump has brushed off.

“All kids need to know is the truth, and we have Truth Social for that,” Trump concluded.

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Trump Signs Executive Order Changing Official Name of ‘French Fries’ to ‘Freedom Fries’ Following France’s Calls to Have Statue of Liberty Returned

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Vowing to put an end to France’s influence on the U.S., President Donald Trump has just signed an executive that officially changes the name of “French Fries” to “Freedom Fries.” This comes after a French politician’s call to have the Statue of Liberty, which was originally a gift from France, returned back to France.

“You want your statue back, France? Well guess what? We’re taking our fries back along with it,” Trump informed the nation of France in a televised address. “From now on, there will be no more ‘French Fries’ in this country. Only Freedom Fries. The best, most American fries.”

The executive order, effective immediately, would require all federal agencies, including the Capitol Building’s cafeteria, to rename to the classic dish from “French Fries” to “Freedom Fries.” Trump is also calling on fast food chains such as McDonald’s, Burger King and Wendy’s, along with French Fry distributors to grocery stores to change the name of their fried, threatening to expropriate their businesses if they don’t comply.

This marks the second time that the U.S. has attempted to change the name of “French Fries” to “Freedom Fries.” The first time came after France’s public opposition to America’s Iraq War in 2003, leading the U.S. government to briefly rename the beloved dish to “Freedom Fries.” This campaign, however, quickly fizzled out.

Trump, however, insists that this time will be different. “This will be permanent, folks,” Trump explained in a press briefing held later that day.” “There will be no more French Fries. And soon enough, there will be no more French Toast or French Dip either. France has been very unfair to America. Very unfair. And if they keep on talking badly about America, then we might just change the name of the ‘Statue of Liberty’ to the ‘Statue of Trump.’ Has a better ring to it, doesn’t it?”

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Trump Supporters Storm Vatican Following Rumors That Papacy Was Stolen from Trump

VATICAN CITY - Chaos erupted in the Vatican this morning as hundreds of Trump supporters stormed St. Peter’s Square shortly after a new Pope was selected following online rumors spread by President Donald Trump himself that the Papacy was stolen from him, despite the fact that he had never ran for the position.

The protesters, many of whom were unaware that the Pope is elected by cardinals and not voters in the United States, demanded that the new Pope step down he could make way for the “real” Pope, Pope Trump, refusing to recognize anyone else in the position.

“Trump won! Trump won!” one protester was heard shouting. “He had the votes! It was stolen from the left!” Trump supporters would keep St. Peter’s Square occupied for several hours, causing significant damage to several structures and monuments in the process, refusing to leave until Pope Leo XIV agreed to step down.

Things only ended when Pope Leo XIV himself came out of the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica with a Musket and began shooting at protesters, causing everyone to flee the Vatican. When it was all said and done, four people were left dead.

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Trump Changes Name of ‘Martial Law’ to ‘Trump Law’

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Further ushering in the modern Trump era, President Donald Trump has announced via executive order that the term “Martial Law” will now be officially be rebranded as “Trump Law,” crediting himself for repopularizing the presidential decree that hasn’t been used at the federal level since 1944.

“Now that we’re under the reign of Donald Trump, it’s only fitting that Martial Law becomes Trump Law,” Trump said in a press briefing. “I’m the president now, and my name is Donald Trump, not Marshall, so things had to change.”

Trump has received some backlash for this sudden name change, as many people believe that he doesn’t have the power to do such a thing and is making a mockery out of Martial Law. However, Trump was quick to shut these critics down.

“None of your opinions matter,” Trump snapped. “I’m the president and you’re not, so I can do whatever I want. You can go and try and make your own law, maybe call it the ‘lamestream media law,’ [laughs] but since you aren’t the president, I bet it won’t even trend on Truth Social.”

At publishing time, Trump officially declared the first “Trump Law,” citing “acts of treason from ‘woke’ journalists,” and ordered them all to be executed without trial.