can I be vulnerable and rant for a minute to y’all? Keep scrolling if you don’t wanna read.
So I recently ‘applied’ for a new position at my job and it was for what we call an escalation department, aka a step above my current position. For context, I’ve been here four years, and it’ll be five in May (keep that in mind). I’ve worked part time the whole time, same shift, same routine. One band, one sound type shit. Which is mainly due to being in school. And this whole time, I’ve been doing very well on this income. Paying bills, paying taxes on the house, buying groceries + house supplies and even having enough to attend cons every so often + go out every week to eat somewhere. But ofc, everything is getting ridiculously expensive and my family has lowkey become damn insufferable to live with (mainly my brother bc he’s a goddamn deadbeat but my folks can work my nerves too). So I’ve been looking into more full time work so I can save up to move out and since this was the quickest option, I decided to go with it. Mind you, my supervisor approached me FIRST with the offer on Friday, I had half of Saturday, all of Sunday and half a day Monday to prepare for this. The interview was on Tuesday, I bombed the shit and a day after applying, I realized I really didn’t want to do it anyways bc having to deal with that job more than four hours would send me into a fucking homicidal rage. So today, as I knew, they bullshited me and said they went with more ‘qualified’ candidates aka whoever kisses the most ass and gives all of their time to them. Which I do not and will not do. I’ve also been applying to other jobs, preferably one that is $25+/hr because it’s really not worth it to me otherwise and this would’ve been only $18.50/hr. Which they might as well be spitting in my damn face with that.
But it really just got me to thinking about this whole rat race so many of us are having to play just to have anything and how I’m just over all of it. Go to school, get a career, blah blah blah. And I’ve earned the degrees, did all the hard work but I’ve had no luck in finding a decent job. As many of us can’t. I had a realization today that I’m not interested in following the path anymore. For a long time, I’ve known that my heart craves creativity. That I am a creative to my core and that’s where I best resonate. When I’m writing stories or think pieces, when I’m doing makeup, wigs, cosplay, when I’m sitting in my room making nail sets, when I was running my business + when I’m ranting into my imaginary podcast mic to myself abt different topics LMAO. So many of these ideas I’ve had for YEARS that won’t leave me. That’s where I feel the most joy. And ik it’s seems batshit insane and a little childish bc you can’t pay bills with ‘joy’ alone. But I know I’m meant for more than just settling. I tried years ago to do ‘content creation’ and I hopped on shit that I saw others doing (true crime, makeup, wrestling commentary) but I wasn’t being my authentic self at all. I was masking so badly but in the past year, I’ve been trying to let go of that and just be myself. Say what I feel and not put on a facade.
I’m in a fortunate place where I do still have a job/steady income, a roof over my head, etc. it may not be ideal but I’m trying my best, I’ve been trying my damndest for almost 10 years to improve my life and I’ve felt like a failure. Especially the closer I get to 30. But where else is there to go except up from here? Not to mention, nothing abt me or my life has been the conventional route. I don’t have/want kids or to be married, I don’t act like others my age, etc. If I can tap dance and perform for these jobs in hopes of just getting an interview, I can put that time into improving my creative ventures. If I can dedicate four more hours of my time to a job, I can write substacks, film YouTube videos on things I actually care about or pack orders. Am I saying it’ll work out? No. But what if it does? What if it does happen for me? I’ve been making it work and pushing this far, what’s a few more months or a year?
Update: I’m feeling in a better place about my ex-situationship. Going back through some old texts and I’m realizing I’ve been holding onto this far, far longer than I should have. I wish I wasn’t so fucking stupid sometimes.
Anyway, my page is back to ‘normal’ status, though I was incredibly sick last night (and partially today,) so I’m not in the most sexy of moods atm lol. But things are getting back to normal!
Also if you haven’t already you should definitely vote on my poll that I posted a few hours ago! I go to the grocery store tomorrow 😈
was it petty to use the new and improved block function on a group of players who, while i was in a cutscene, proceeded into the boss area and defeated it before i was done with the cutscene that was extrapolating the story?
