Blayne, 9 years old: Man, why doesn't anyone play the Beatles anymore? (Pause...
and then bursting into tears, as he says it) I look every month in Rolling Stone magazine and they are never #1 on the charts; they should be permanently... always #1 on the charts... it’s just not right!
Blayne, 10 years old (playing the game Taboo, with two 10-year-old friends): He directed the movie "Midnight in Paris".
Other boys (with blank looks on their faces): What?!
Blayne (sighing, and looking like he gets his reference went over their heads): OK, he was the main character in 3 of John Lasseter's movies... (the answer was Woody)
One of the main characteristics of the Asperger’s mind is lack of theory of mind. Theory of mind is the ability to know you have your own beliefs, thoughts and feelings and the knowledge that others have their own beliefs, thoughts and feelings, as well. Neurotypical brains take this concept for granted and are not even aware it is possible to live without theory of mind.
The concept of theory of mind was the hardest thing for me to understand when I first studied Asperger’s. As I read more about it, I understood it was the reason Blayne never asked for help. I, also understood it was why he processed language only in a literal sense and it was why he thought others thought exactly as he did.
When Blayne was learning to tie his shoes, he would end up screaming when he couldn’t get it. It was jarring and it was very difficult for me to stay calm. I learned the only way to help Blayne understand others are there to help him, was to calmly and quietly say to him, “do you need help?”. Sometimes he said no, but most of the time he would whimper and say yes.
I wasn’t worried about his saying please and thank you yet. I simply wanted him to get to where he said yes every time and then eventually to asking for help on his own without the meltdown. Once we got there, I could begin to teach him how important please and thank you were.
I understood it was my responsibility to repeat things out loud to him that other kids had happening in their brains naturally. This is the reason it was so important for me to say the words, “do you need help?” calmly and quietly. Eventually when it clicked, I wanted him to naturally choose to say the words as I had, calmly and quietly.
Another thing I did was to talk to Blayne about his challenges. Calmly and with respect, without ever giving him the feeling I was comparing him to others. If he felt I was comparing him to neurotypical boys, I would have lost his total trust in me to show him the way and it would leave him with the feeling that he was flawed and unlovable unless he was like the others.
I would explain how neurotypical children naturally know to ask for help. That for him it was not natural and it meant it was something we would work on together and accomplish a different way. This way, when he saw another kid demonstrate asking for help when I wasn’t around (I never pointed other kids out because I knew this would be like comparing him to them), he could understand how it worked and start to form the synapses in his brain by seeing how others thought and acted different (but not better) than him.
With every challenge, when I talked to Blayne about it, we looked for a gift. In this case, we talked about it and decided the fact that he wasn’t thinking about what others thought and felt about him, or anything else, meant his brain had the capacity to remember all the words and melody of a song after listening to it only 2 times.
Another one of the gifts for Blayne in not having a robust theory of mind was he didn’t think about what people were thinking in an audience when he performed for them. He had no stage jitters because he assumed everyone was going to have fun, just like he would. The combination of these 2 gifts have contributed directly to his success in the performing arts. And this is something he would never change in himself; reinforcing the idea that his brain is different and amazing.
It was so important to me from the very beginning that Blayne never felt less than or better than other neurotypical kids. I wanted him to know his brain was not typical, but this did not mean he was worse than others, just different. Having this philosophy from the beginning helped me (and him) to always see the gifts when there were challenges and unknowingly, I was able to teach my son to always look for the gifts in his challenges. Even now as a young adult living on his own.
As a parent, I worked hard to see my son as perfect, just as he was, every day. Even without theory of mind. His feeling safe and loved and lovable enabled him to understand when I explained how his brain worked differently and to trust me when I told him how he could see and feel things differently by trying something new.
Over time he has been able to build the synapses in the brain using repetition and develop some theory of mind. Just enough to know others can help him and teach him new things, but not enough to worry about what others are thinking while he is on stage performing. It was always my goal to help him find his way without losing what was so fabulous and unique about his abilities and gifts.
