ok so it wasn’t directly connected to the post itself but something i read here today sparked thoughts in me about the last therapist i had and how i have been unable to find one since, and also am likely to stop trying to get in touch with one if they fail to, say, call me back when they specifically said they’d do. and when i told my gp this in a situation, she didn’t understand why i wouldn’t give a therapist a second chance if they forgot to call me back, and it clearly sounded like she thinks i am not trying hard enough/don’t really want therapy. the thing is, if my therapist isn’t 100% perfect and reliable and professional at all times, i just can’t feel safe. the last thing i need is having to worry about what my therapist does or thinks or needs.
the last one i went to actually was really unprofessional in some regards and it took its toll on me. one day i showed up to my appointment and she just wasn’t there, and her office was open, no message, and i couldn’t reach her phone or mobile. i was panicking really bad and thinking like maybe she’s in her house injured or whatever and needs help and now it’s my responsibility to help her, and that is just way too much for me, and what can i do, should i call the police or an ambulance? i ran around her house like ten times, i tried to get in touch with any of her neighbors but none would open their doors for me, i called my mum and told her about the situation and that i didn’t know what to do, and after i called her mobile for the umpteenth time, i got through only for her to put her phone on busy or whatever, so that way i knew she was probably not in need of help, and then i finally went home. i should add the trip to her office from my home took me like an hour, so that was neat also.
it turned out she had to rush to the hospital for reasons she wouldn’t tell me, but she could absolutely not understand that i thought she should have at least messaged me at some point. i told her that even in a stressful situation, it should be possible to tell someone else to write a text message or something to inform me. i told her that unless she were unconscious, i thought it was her responsibility to inform me because she knew about my history and fear of abandonment and that i would panic and feel responsible. she had no understanding for this, even though she was my therapist and i made it quite clear that i cannot view my therapist as a flawed person, or a person at all, because i cannot have a therapist-patient relationship with someone whose faults and feelings i might need to consider. it might have been easier for me if she had told me what happened, or at least agreed that it was wrong of her not to message me, but she did neither and instead insisted that it was okay of her to not do so.
after that, our relationship was already tainted, and it was hard for me to re-build the trust i had lost, but i did my best because i wanted this to work. during the sessions that followed, she would repeatedly dismiss my need for positive reinforcement and instead challenge and question me in every way. this might work for some people, but i need therapy that is more supportive, less argumentative, more about softly nudging me in the right direction. i need a therapist that shows respect and understanding for my limitations and feelings. she also didn’t support my intention of receiving an autism diagnosis since she thought all my problems were just learnt behaviors or had to do with my “high IQ”, even when i told her i had found a lot of explanations through sources on autism. she acted the same way about my suspicions that i might have a physical illness and trying to get a diagnosis, because she was convinced it was all psychosomatic and i should treat it that way. she told me that calling myself disabled or chronically ill was inhibiting my recovery because i was just accepting my fate. another idea she had was that my antidepressant was actually causing me to feel ill, so she wanted me to stop taking it. i am genuinely glad i didn’t listen to her (although i did go down on my dose of antidepressants) and instead went to get those diagnoses because they were lifesavers and have finally enabled me to seek out the medical and social help i need and deserve. i would not have been able to start a job if my chronic illness were still untreated and my autism undiscovered. i would not have been able to apply for a disability status that protects me in the workspace and grants me certain rights.
then, pretty suddenly and without warning, she told me she couldn’t treat me anymore. she was right, actually, her way of therapy was not good for me, though i believe a therapist should be able to adapt to their patients and not just use one way of therapy on all of them. either way, i didn’t want to stop treatment because i knew i needed therapy and i would be left out in the open and i knew how hard it was to find a therapist anywhere in my vicinity. i asked her if she would at least help me find a new one, to which she told me no. she also proceeded to blame the failing of her treatment on me, by saying i was not fit to receive “adult therapy”, that i should seek out a child therapist because i was “mentally a teenager”. it was all pretty rough and it opened up a lot of old wounds. i was forced to leave her smiling and nodding and acting like i was okay with it all – she basically demanded that of me, to understand her and accept her decision. i wasn’t allowed to be angry at her, although she knew this was something that during my history of abuse people had often also forbade me. it was clearly more about her feeling justified than me getting out of the situation in the best possible way.
so yeah, if a therapist doesn’t call me back or write me back, that’s a huge problem. if a therapist seems even mildly unreliable or dismissive, that’s a problem. and a lot of therapists are like that, actually. a lot of the ones i tried to get in contact with at least. they also often react poorly when i need for example my mum or someone else to contact them, as if having trouble contacting a therapist means the person in question doesn’t need therapy or isn’t fit for therapy. unsurprisingly i cannot receive treatment from child therapists and frankly i don’t want it either because i am not a child and i doubt they have experience that enables them to treat someone like me. i want to see a behavioral therapist and it’s ridiculous how few there are. i have no idea how to fit therapy in my schedule, since i work full time and most therapists work the same hours that i do. i cannot travel longer distances to see a therapist because of my physical health. i feel pretty lost and pretty unwanted and pretty helpless. it really feels like there’s no space for me in mental health services, even though i desperately need it.
