idk how to feel about the fact in therapy my therapist realized i pretty much dissociated through a lot of traumatic stuff in the early years. i've always chalked it up to just... "object permanence but with events" and "oh i dont want to think about this so i force myself to forget" and neither option just sounds great. it feels weird being told that i can't even provide a consistent timeline of events year after year because i've dissociated through the harder parts. in a way, it feels both like relief that what i've experienced was legitimate trauma and i'm allowed to feel the weight of it affecting me.... but also, realizing what i experience was trauma doesn't feel good to realize, either. it's now just ... oh. it wasn't just my sensitivity of "big feelings" that is a response to some things. just actual trauma...
