#theropegeek

[toopretty2live]

I love seeing you guys on my dash but when you reblog things from him it gives me a panic attack.

[kittencalledwolf]

Narcissistic manipulation

When considering the behavior of narcissists, it might be hard to imagine how someone could be a narcissist and be inhibited in their approach and behavior.

A covert narcissist may be outwardly self-effacing or withdrawn in their approach, but the end goals are the same

Overt vs. Covert

Covert narcissists are only different from overt (more obvious) narcissists in that they tend to be more introverted. The overt narcissist is more easily identified because they tend to be loud, arrogant, and insensitive to the needs of others and always thirsty for compliments.

Signs to Look For

Although there are some clinical criteria that need to be met in order for someone to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, there are some general traits and patterns to look for in everyday interactions if you suspect you might be dealing with a covert narcissist.

Both have deficits in their capacity to regulate their self-esteem.

Being aware of these traits can help empower those who are interacting with the covert narcissist, helping them to recognize and better navigate potentially unhealthy interactions.

Passive Self-Importance

The covert narcissist certainly craves importance and thirsts for admiration but it can look different to those around them. They might give back-handed compliments, or purposefully minimize their accomplishments or talents so that people will offer them reassurance of how talented they are.

Blaming and Shaming

Shaming others is a wonderful tactic of a narcissist in order to secure their sense of an elevated position in relation to others. The overt (extroverted) narcissist might be more obvious in their approach to gaining leverage, such as explicitly putting you down, being rude, criticizing you, and being sarcastic.

The introverted, covert narcissist may have a more gentle approach to explain why something is your fault and they are not to blame.

They might even pretend to be a victim of your behavior.

This puts themselves in a position to receive reassurance and praise from you and others. At the end of these interactions, the goal of the narcissist is to make the other person feel small.

Creating Confusion

Another way to create leverage between them and another person, the covert narcissist needs to use tactics like this to elevate themselves and maintain power in the interaction. They look to cause people to question their perceptions and second-guess themselves. This allows them the opportunity to manipulate and exploit more.

It is not a coincidence that narcissists, in general, tend to gravitate toward interacting with caring and compassionate people. The covert narcissist recognizes those opportunities for manipulation as well. They have no problem letting you know that you are not important.

Giving With a Goal

In general, narcissists are not givers. They find it difficult to put energy into anything that doesn't serve them in some way. A covert narcissist might present themselves in a way that looks like they are giving, but their giving behavior is only demonstrated with the intent of getting something in return.

What to do: Set Boundaries

Narcissists do not have healthy boundaries.

Because covert narcissists lack empathy, have a strong sense of entitlement and exploit others, boundaries are something that get in the way of their goals. The more you can practice setting boundaries with the narcissist, the more consistently you are conveying to them that their tactics are not working.

Setting boundaries can be very difficult, especially if you have never done that before. Not only is it possibly unfamiliar to you, but setting boundaries with a covert narcissist can be pretty intimidating.

Take time to tune back in with yourself, who you are, what you are about, your values, your goals, and your talents.

Strengthening your relationship with yourself is key in being able to speak up during interactions with a narcissist.

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587

How to Recognize Someone With Covert Narcissism

Narcissistic traits are usually easy to recognize. However, covert narcissism can be more difficult to identify. Learn the signs to look for

[mossy-vulpes]

I am someone whose consent theropegeek violated. Thank you for bringing it up again. He doesn't belong in any kink spaces, online or IRL. And he should not be positioning himself as a teacher, resource or leader in any way, even regarding kink violations. His self-flagellating posts about "owning up" to his mistakes are just another ploy for admiration and sympathy -- his drug. His inability to shut up and delete his Tumblr shows that.

Thank you for sharing anon. I am absolutely livid that he is trying to position himself as such. NO ONE with that many consent violations should be in kink spaces. I don't know how someone can consider that acceptable. He was kicked out of his local scene so he moved. I am worried for those in his new crowd that don't know the severity of what happened.

I've seen this sort of behavior too many times in my local scene. I hate seeing it here on tumblr. I hate that so many people have been harmed.

To folks who want to help, block him and spread the word. The more limited his reach the better.

[daddys-chaton-noir]

Due to everything going on with the rope geek right now, and I've seen you reblog posts that share the sentiment he isn't handling things well, and also posts that are essentially defending him (as well as defending him in your own posts). So maybe you can understand why it left me a little confused as to where you stand. I was wondering if you were still planning on doing a photo shoot with him? If so, why?

i had two automatic responses to this ask:

man, good timing! i was just abt to update theropegeek saga (saga saga saga—it echoed in my head sooo)

why do you care at all where i stand? simply curious? or will it help you determine how you feel about me? whether you follow my blog or block me or reblog from me anymore? i am most curious if you’re feeling amicable

but ok so i got a two fold answer for the question tho:

a step by step log of what happened & a “what i learned” reflection lol

neato–i know!

ok so

step 1: i receive an ask saying i should block trg b/c he’s a fatphobic asshole step 2: i respond w/ support b/c i didn’t know anything at all abt his comments @ that point; the interactions i had w/ him (via messaging & his blog) were positive. i had seen diversity on his page. (was it a shit ton of diversity? no. do i think we all have to reblog just the same? also no so yah)step 3: i receive a couple of private messages saying this is what’s going on with trg w/ posts of his statements

concerning one message, the person & i are mutuals but don’t talk much

we discuss the very cringey wording & i decided i should prob speak w/ trg. see if i can explain why what he said was problematic/see if i believe him to be said fatphobic asshole

the other message i received from a mutual i did speak w/ more frequently & basically the outcome there was…we aren’t cool anymore b/c you can’t agree w/ me abt this right now (this actually happened x 2)

so i’m like, cool, i feel bad abt that but like, i rly thought trg just needed some perspective & i didn’t wanna ostracize him w/o knowing for sure he should be scarlet letter’d

step 4: i message trg to say

hey, so here’s the issue w/ what you said

like, if something doesn’t directly affect you, it isn’t rly a concern of yours? cringe. think abt that

so you don’t care for anyone else’s struggles but yours? & it like, does affect you b/c it’s about the rope community, which you’re a part of

imagine if you’re like the cool rope guy to someone out there who isn’t represented often in rope & basically you just said don’t care, not my prob

he goes ok i see where you’re going. what if i said this? he explains what he said but w/ an analogy…he doesn’t say anything abt admitting what he said was wrong; simply rewording what he said

me–oh hm well that’s not the response i expected. maybe i should stop involving myself– idk trg very well. we’ve exchanged a handful of messages abt working together. he seems like an alright guy. i don’t think he’s anywhere near dangerous like thepureskin or prettyperversion; just immature & stubborn…in need of eye-opening 

step 5: ask advice of another blogger. it’s helpful but i’m still on the fence.

so it’s time for the big guns: ask Daddy (i try not to bother him with tumblr drama b/c we have Very Full irl schedules)

so i go to DM like ok so should i keep trying to explain to trg what the dealio is or should i just stop now & save myself the trouble?

DM, doesn’t even look up from writing an email: will you be satisfied if you stop now?

me–FUCK *stomp stomp stomp*

step 6: message trg again & explain why rewording is not a solution  

me: you don’t want to say NO U GUYS MISUNDERSTOOD

you wanna explain that you know you were wrong & explain why/how you know that & that you can & will do to be better

him: i totally hear you & i’m hashing out a contest idea w/ this cool chick

me: mmm nope…that’s not a good idea. that’s like…a band aid.

like, again you need to explain you understand WHY you were wrong. you need to explain that you care. i mean you can still do the contest but that alone isn’t the answer. ask your followers to send you diversity in rope. follow said diverse bloggers & grow, etc

him: i don’t want to receive & reject an influx of low quality images tho*

me: < 💡moment – i can’t help here until he can admit he was wrong>

also me: yah i mean ok but dude you care more about “quality” control than being inclusive/thoughtful/considerate/open

ugh we don’t see eye to eye here. it’s more than i can or wanna handle rly ok? sorry

*people will want to crucify over this sentiment but the truth is we all prefer clearer pictures w/ nice angles & thoughtful composition, etc so there’s nothing wrong with this BUT there’s something not quite friendly about caring more about “quality” control than about diversity in a field you’re passionate about.

summary 

so in the end, i lost 3 mutuals i thought were cool & got a nice headache

so no, i won’t be working with him. why? b/c i made an effort to help & he couldn’t even say yeah i was wrong so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

so what did dcn learn?

to mind my own fucking business. to avoid connecting with others. to not stick out my neck. to not attempt to help or reach out to anyone who might learn & grow as a person. to fucking delete this god forsaken app & never return.

no i’m kidding. it does make me feel that way but what i rly learned was that…sometimes shit happens so you can find out who people are

& that’s ok. like, that’s life w/e i’m gonna go get high 

also ALSO– i received a few messages of love too & i rly appreciate the kind of people who reach out to just provide a word of support & positivity

that means so much & i can’t rly thank you properly💕💕thank you very much 

so anyway…tumblr is kooky dude. 

[kittencalledwolf]

You know you’re too close to the truth when their sycophants make fake profiles to send you Hate Asks

[kittencalledwolf]

Earlier this week I found my nerve to post my experience on Instagram about @theropegeek-archive (@theropegeek). I’ve been laboring over the emotional processing from the trauma that he caused me and what that means beyond just my own hurt and recovery much of this past year.

When TRG read my posting (as well as the ones from my former girlfriend and former metamour which I am reblogging below) he has responded privately to my statement that he doesn't see any of it as truth.

But the thing is, I’ve long given up hope (after literal countless hours over the course of more than a year and revisiting the same topics over and again while trying to help him formulate healthy changes all while he fought them stating I was only trying to control him) of getting him to clear the metaphorical webs covering his eyes to see the actual errors of his ways.

Though it seems the proverbial light bulb above his head has gone off now and once again he is looking to use his “earnest” words of remorse coupled with the “lessons learned” to ploy a wider audience into buying his self delusions of “finally” getting it and seeing the error of his ways.

If this was solely my own isolated experience then his insistence and disregard could make me question myself, but the actual reality is I am only one of many who have been affected by these behaviours over the course of years, and one of several who have bravely spoken up about it recently...And that this community strengthens me to stand up for myself in the face of his delusions.

I will just take this time to briefly paste the Wikipedia definition of gaslighting... "Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity."

Even if we leave sanity off the table.. he played puppeteer with my exgf and I in terms of trying to change my memory and perception of events for months back in 2018 before the major Consent Violation on the 2019 new years stuff was even on the radar. Playing one partner against the other, keeping people unsettled and sewing seeds of doubt in our minds about each other.

There is a big difference between saying something healthy like "I'm so sorry you felt that way, I feel so sad that my actions were interpreted that way. Honestly that wasn't my intention at all but I can totally see why you felt that." And one of TRG’s typical responses like "I've thought about that and you're wrong. I didn't do that at all, I was actually doing this instead."

The first one accepts the other person’s reality and what was experienced while explaining that a communication gap caused a misunderstanding. The second one merely seeks to smother their experience and replace it with his intent and desire from today. That's the gaslighting element.

I think the reason he doesn't see it in himself is that he does it to himself too. He believes his own lies so passionately. He has created his own reality to protect his fragile self esteem and self worth and there is no convincing him otherwise. He needs to believe that stuff because the alternative is a hell of a lot of hard work. So as long as he is lying to himself too...he's not going to see the lies he tells everyone else.

Below, I’ve included the post I wrote sharing a condensed history of what my experiences with Theropegeek have been like since I initially met him in 2013. This has been such an emotionally challenging writing to compose and I have not chosen any words lightly.

If anyone from his past or anyone who has doubts considering engaging with him now or in the future: My DMs are restricted rn, but please feel free to send an Ask and I can message you directly.

[theropegeek]

me

[kittencalledwolf]

For transparency’s sake since @theropegeek-archive @Theropegeek is shaping his narrative right in front of our eyes. Once again holding up the elements that he feels will garner sympathy while attacking the person who he actually harmed yet again and covering up the elements that exemplify his continued pattern of abusive behaviors.