#things sexy

[lizziebordenisabitch-blog]

Werqin' it out in public

Happy Saturday Kids,

Can we begin this weekend by giving a big "WERQ IT OUT, BITCHES" to the NY legislature, being the latest state to treat homos like the tax-paying, hard-working, citizens-who-deserve-the-same-rights-as-their-hetero-counterparts that they is?

WERQ IT OUT, BITCHES!

Momma Borden loves her some gay marriage. Although I gotta say, I'd love it to just be called "marriage." Just sayin.

Anyhoozins, after my morbid post yesterday, and my somewhat indiscreet revelation that I think there's something sexilicious about Christopher Lee and his vampire brides from the 70's, and after lookin' at a picture of a young Whitey Bulger this morning and thinkin' "hmm, he was kinda hot," and since the internet was invented for vomiting things out that should probably be kept secret, I thought it'd be fun to confess to you some of the people I'm embarrassed to admit I'm hot for.

(Whitey Bulger as a young, evil, smoldering looker.)

OK, so here goes:

Tyra Banks. She's a li'l crazy, she'll cutchoo, but I just wanna werq it out with her so bad... (My favorite Tyraism... On her talkshow, some chick was whining about her boyfriend staying out late, and Tyra goes: "Girl, my grandma used to say 'the only thing open after 2 A.M. is some legs.'" WERQ!)

Ryan Phillipe. Momma's mostly embarrassed o' this one, cuz he's a bad actor and he's sorta douchy. Sorta? OK, he's douchy. But anybody who would willingly appear in "MacGruber" can't be all douche all the time, right?

Dolly Madison. As in the former first lady who saved tries to save the White House. This chick is super cute. She's adorable. I just wanna stroke her eyebrow and look into her soul.

David Blane. Yeah, the magician. He is so weird I literally can't stop imagining having creepy, magician-themed sex with him. I would bet you ready money is he awesome in the sack-o-rama. (Bonus round: Always found Houdini hot. There's just something about Eastern Europeans)

Tanya Harding. I'm embarrassed about this one for MANY reasons, not the list of which is that I've always really liked Nancy Kerrigan--and she's definitely on the most of people I'm NOT embarrassed to wanna werq it out with. Also, it's sort of an out-dated reference. But I dunno, Harding was obviously bat-shit, and there was something hot about her crying on the ice, and I dunno... See, these are the reasons we're supposed to keep this shit quiet, right? Why it don't belong in a blog? But anyway, after having been accused of murder, I guess there's not a lot WORSE any of this could make you think of me, so... 

There you have it!

(David Blaine)

(Dolly Madison)

What about you, kiddies? Who do you secretly wanna werq it out with?

[lizziebordenisabitch-blog]

Rain drops on roses... and something about pussies.

Hi Kids,

It's late, but Momma B can't very well go a day without checkin' in on her bitches, can she?

So, let's be honest with each other, kids, OK? Cuz how can you and I be the Lifetime Intimate Portrait that we are unless we're open and honest with each other. Right?

Yesterday, Lizzie Borden really WAS a bitch.

Whew! I reread my post, and I am not even tryina hear it! 

Not that it's not funny and all, but come on. Sometimes we gotta lighten the eff up.

(Though we give props to rockin' biscuits for sharing his pet peeve--when people are rude to counter folks. I don't care for that either. That's just bad up-bringing. Like people who don't leave tips for the housekeepers at a hotel. Tacktastic. Though we also hate when people behind the counter and rude to us.)

But we're not gonna focus on hate today, kids.

Cuz hate don't make the world go round.

What does make the word down?

Love, kids. Love makes the world go round.

That and, ya know . . . gin and tonic.

So here are some random things that Momma Borden just lurrrrrves right now:

Opium dens. Just cuz.

Mumford & Sons. British boys with banjos? Yay times!

Russell Banks' Rule of the Bone. A great, fun, sad, crazy novel.

Naught words. Those make the world go around, too.

Sushi. WHY DIDN'T THEY HAVE THAT SHIZNIT WHEN I WAS ALIVE??

The words: blush, tickle, fanny-pack, ice-capades, joist, licentious, feral, jocular, plebeian, jocund, savory, ephemera; and the phrase: "licorice switch."

Flash cards.

Old fashioned donuts (which were NOT old fashioned when Momma B was around)

Crinkle cut french fries.

The actor who played Motel in the movie of Fiddler on the Roof.

The Maude theme song.

The episode of The Golden Girls where they go on a murder mystery weekend, and Blanche gets accused of a murder.

The Christmas special where the blind boy gets snow in his eyes and gets his sight back--It's a Christmas MIRACLE!

Soap that comes in a large call or a big square (instead of normal soap shape)

Pasties

Onion skins

Analgesics, cuz they sound dirty but aren't.

OK, kids. You're turn: What random ephemera do you find jocund?

[lizziebordenisabitch-blog]

Bill Maher and Jane Lynch read Anthony Weiner's sexts. Weiner may be a joke, but I *love* the girl he's sexting! WARNING: Definitely filthy and adult. Viewer discretion advised.

[lizziebordenisabitch-blog]

Do I have to?

Hi kids,

Does Momma Borden hafta pretend to be indignant––or even care––about this whole Anthony Weiner business? In fact, do any of us?

Okay, if he were a Republican: I'd be indignant. But my indigence would be false. It would be––as so many things are in politics––about winning.

I'd be indignant because I would secretly hope that he would quit––or be forced to resign––and that a Democrat would take his place… Even though that would be extremely unlikely. I don't want Weiner to resign because I don't want a Republican to take his place.

(Let's also not forget, kids, that when Republicans do this a lot of the time they are family values anti-gay anti-fun anti-everything conservatives who got caught sending pictures to teenagers… But that's just a digression.)

Can we accept the fact that––creepy as it is––in America we all have the right to act like coked up porn stars?  (Not that I think we should be doing this, mind you. Just that we have the right to do it.)

Can we accept that politicians are not gods?

Cuz I can tell you, Lizzie B knows a lot of gods, and ain't none of 'em running for office.

The qualities that it takes to stand up and say, “I think I can solve America's problems," the qualities is that it takes to gladhand, demand donations, give speeches, and behave in general just like a rock star who wants needs everyone's attention, are the same qualities, unfortunately, that make people think everyone wants to see their pecker in picture mail.

That's just the way it goes. Them's just the breaks, kids.

Is it disrespectful? Yup. Is it gross? You betcha.

But Mother Teresas don't run for office.… Not usually. You need a kind of icky machismo to do this kind of stuff: both run for office, and act like a horny fool.

Should we move on from this, and focus on the things that matter? Lizzie Borden thinks so. Lizzie thinks we need to move on, bitches. (Of course, this means that I can no longer get indignant when Republicans did this kind of shameful shit… But that's just the price we gotta pay b-words.)

(I'd also like to point out, kids, that you very rarely see women doing this kind of thing… Just  saying.)

Later babies.

(I'll say this for him: it's not a bad chest.)