#thioughts

[buckets-thought-dump]

I wanna drtaw today yyy

[deadsensescompany]

Promises

“Promises”

Tonight he would finally be with her, Just like how they promised forever. He took the pills and closed his eyes, For soon they would be together.

He closed his eyes and began to dream, Of him and her in their favorite place, That can’t be measured by time it seems, Nor day or month or by any space.

He fell asleep and pictured them, Holding hands and good times past, Hoping it would never end, Hoping it would always last.

When he awoke she was standing there, His long lost lover; dear best friend, With her pretty smile; long blond hair, He knew good times would begin again.

[poet-try123]

my thoughts they wonder, my legs they do not

NTC

[t-bgamerartsylollipop-me]

Curse my mind!

So I was planning to do some things on the internet such as, watch some YouTubes, check emails, simply mindlessly explore the Internet. Then I had this wonderful idea but I forgot what it was.  *inhales through the nose, exhales out the mouth (whatever that is called. You see what I mean? ) I remember it being a really cool thing to do and it involved A.P. and everything but I lost my train of thought. Frustrating right?

[theprinceofnothing]

I feel dead inside.

Everything I’ve done in this past week I’ve done for someone else. I have yet to do anything for me. I am constantly worrying about others, trying to be the caregiver of a group of people that don’t need to have a constant reassurance.

It’s odd because every time I stop thinking, it seems as if the second before I begin to ask myself how I feel or what I want, my brain quickly makes sure everyone in the room is okay first. I don’t do this out of duty, and in some ways I believe I do this because I don’t want to have to think about myself. I’m worried that if I do, I’m going to be sad and miss home and every opportunity it had to offer. I’m going to remember my fleeting childhood that had its end stomped off by toxic relationships. I’m going to feel the pain that comes with leaving a family and being in a new, disorienting place.

I’m afraid to be selfish because if I’m feeling this way, everyone else must too, and if I was in their shoes, I would want to have someone there making sure I was alright and being taken care of. I know this is unhealthy, but it seems like getting that info to my brain has the same effect as doing charades to wake someone up.

And the one time I do get to think about myself is when I sleep and I dream selfishly. I dream of kissing and cuddling boys. Different ones, ones I shouldn’t be thinking of in that way as well. I disregard my real problems and try to cover it up with the idea of being with someone. I avoid my problems with relationships.

I feel dead inside. Not because I want to, but because I’m afraid to feel anything else.

[im-a-juke-box]

So cliché and petty of me to say but I am craving a relationship, so hard right now.

[kinkduf-blog]

What I think vs  What I say