Dear Future Boyfriend – I’m Not Thirsty, Just Slightly Parched
I can’t commit to being desperate. It just feels like a lot more energy and effort than I’m willing to put in. Finding the guy, tracking the guy, chasing the guy, catering to the guy… let’s be honest, that’s a full-time job. One with limited benefits and no real health insurance. I’ll pass. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. A thirsty chick is quite impressive. They have a hustle like no other. These women actually plot, plan and strategize how to capture a man. Leaving nothing to chance or fate or Hinge. They first begin by identifying their “type”. Easy it’s “Man”. A base model man needs to have a pulse, all of his limbs (especially his thumbs for texting) and teeth. They can be fake, real, gold or chipped, but they can’t be gone. No girl will allow herself to be thirsty over a man with no teeth. If “Man” has a career or a job he’s been at for at least three months, a house or an apartment with only one roommate and a car or at least an Uber ride pass, then the woman is in luck. She has found a mid-size man. If she presses him hard enough she can actually get a date out of him. One of limited modest pricing, but a date nonetheless. A luxury man is a keeper. He’s handsome, highly educated and well-traveled. He’s what many, including himself, would consider “a catch”. But you have to be careful with how you approach him. He smells thirst a mile away and is easily spooked. You have to show you care, but not too much. Check on him and ask about his day, but then ignore him just long enough to make him insecure and come running back to you. He wants to feel like the pursuer so you have to let him believe he’s guiding the ship. Otherwise, one false move and the ship will go down like The Titanic. And like Rose, he will not scoot over, pull you up and float away with you. No, he will freeze you out and watch you die. Usually from a bird’s eye, social media view. Cold. Now the last “Man” you can get is the sports model. He’s an athlete and easy. Just trap him and have a baby, he loves thirsty chicks and that’s what he’s been waiting all his life for.
See Future Boyfriend it’s not that I don’t know how to identify the right man for me, it’s that I don’t have the energy to chase him. Because after identifying the “target”, one has to then put the plan into motion. And to be honest, I’m just not desperate enough to execute thirsty plans. Actually, I’m not thirsty at all, I’m just a little parched. So, I only do the bare minimal. Visually I got you. I’ll get all dolled up with a painted-on face and too high of heels and go to whatever party or event potential quality men frequenting. I walk in full of optimism. Maybe today will be the day I meet my Future Boyfriend. But once I arrive it’s game over for me. The thirst is real and these chicks are in full attack mode. They are grabbing, approaching and monopolizing the time of every male in the building. They have superhuman powers. Once they claim a guy they never break away not even to use the bathroom. Seven drinks in they are still standing either with a titanium bladder or an astronauts’ diaper filled with piss. Me on the other hand is in the bathroom every 15 mins because the seal was broken before I left the house. So, the only one paying me attention is the bathroom attendant who expects me to tip her for handing me a free paper towel. Great. I know you can’t catch a fish without casting a pole, so I try. I make eye contact and smile, hoping to break a thirst trance and get a guy to notice me. If I’m luck it works, but it’s often short lived. The thirsty chicks have flipped the dating game. I’m now expected to pursue him. Although I’ve been added to his lineup of women, I don’t put in enough effort to stand out. He expects me to call and text him all day, schedule and plan the date and drop everything to be with him, when he has free time. Ummm no, I’m not that thirsty and I don’t even know you. Future Boyfriend let’s not live by unrealistic expectations. There’re a few things I’m never going to do. I’m never going to “court” you. I will be engaged and interested, but I will not pursue. You wanna feel wanted and chased after, rob a bank. I’m sure the cops will chase you all day. I’m also not going to text you continuously throughout the day. I actually have a career. One that pays me to be smart and witty. I don’t have time to give it to you for free. By the way, you should be working too. That’s sexy. A man with a job. Do that. And lastly, I’ll never plan our first date. How hard is “let’s grab drinks?” 3 words, minimum effort. If you can’t come up with something more innovative than me coming to your house for a movie and dinner, you actually don’t deserve to date me. Not to mention, I’ll never go to a stranger’s house on a first day. I’ve seen that movie, it doesn’t end well. Future Boyfriend, I know there are dark days ahead. Settling down seem so passé, especially when there are thirsty women with limited expectations everywhere. I get it, the options are endless. But Future Boyfriend, I promise you this, I’d rather be a parched girl, sipping solo than a thirsty girl drowning in mediocre men and their BS any day. So if you want all of this… then you’re going to have to come correct.
Xo,
Mix
