The other night i went to this one man show and during the show he quoted The Queer Art of Failure by Judith Halberstam, and was talking about this sense of failure that queer children experience and then further in the piece(and somewhat over all) there was this theme of gender/self-identity and where one fits in the world and something about it all just really struck a cord with me. as just in my own personal life recently I've been playing with ideas of who i am, where do i fit in life? sexuality. self identity, and whether I want to put a label on how i define myself. and I keep coming back to this idea of Asexuality and Aromanticism, because I've always have been much more invested in platonic relations and i rarely experience anything more than brief 'crushes' (if they could even be called that) but, every time i express these feelings/musings/thoughts, around a certain parental figure, the main response i receive is 'that's just because of you intimacy issues.' what? 'that's because you ignore your feelings.' blah blah blah. which ties back into that sense of failure and feelings invalidated. because who are you to tell me what I'm feeling? like yeah okay, maybe it is intimacy and fear of rejection or whatever shit you're saying, but those are my issues to figure out. I'm not looking for a definitive label anyway, because frankly. I dont care. but to say things like that to me about 'its just my fear of rejection' or 'issues with letting people in' just is... hurtful? insulting? makes me not want to talk about my personal feelings? like, I'm 17 and trying to figure out myself and my place in the world. don't fucking tell me that my possible perception of my sexuality is wrong just because it doesn't include romantic intimacy.
and this is really just a personal rant post because I've been playing with these feelings and going to see that piece just got me thinking. yup rant over