#this one is rough

[perksofbeingahalfie]

[ID: A tiktok by @ mouldymerls. A series of clips from the show Merlin edited artistically to the song "Merry Christmas, Please Don't Call" by Bleachers.]

[woahits-transformers]

I have a lot of thoughts on issues 18-21 but uh this one comes first i cried REAL TEARS and had to take a break after these pannels it REALLY got to me

tailgate asking cyclonus to just kill him so he doesnt have to go painfully? like its already painful for him and your telling me hes scared its going to get worse in his last minutes???? unfair. Deaths tend to break me in media this one GOT ME good. His hand reaching up? Ratchet respecting his wishes not to tell anyone but medics and cyclonus? all the way up until tailgate says it himself? fucking. hough. ow. the timer throughout the last few issues was a really good build to make you remember what was going on with him.

man this one hurt

[lucky-clover-gazette]

kings rising highlights & annotations

chapter 12

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

It was as if some protective membrane had been torn away and everything that he had not let himself feel was exposed behind the rupture.

this is a beautifully written sentence

He had nothing left to hold it back, only this raw, terrible feeling, of being denied family.

it’s interesting how he takes this as being denied family. it’s less of a literal denial, and more of him reckoning with the reality he’s been avoiding for the entire series: his father and kastor were/are incredibly flawed people, and in kastor’s case actively committed/attempted familicide. it’s less the denial of family itself and more the denial of the family he thought he had, and the ideal of family being loyal and dependable. that same disillusionment must have happened to laurent when auguste died and the regent started mistreating him.

In his life, he had known only one parent. His father had been to him a set of ideals, a man he looked up to, and strove to please, a standard against whom he measured himself. Since his father’s death, he had not allowed himself to think or feel anything but determination that he would return, that he would see his home again, and restore himself to the throne.

okay i think i kinda hinted at some mild criticism of king’s rising in my last set of annotations, and a some people agreed in that it seems like she had an editor and was writing to be traditionally published. i think i see that here. i don’t think captive prince or prince’s gambit pacat would have spelled this out here, as clearly as she does. it’s well-written, but also something we could easily understand between the lines. it almost feels less effective this way, although that’s partially because i’m so used to a certain style and approach from the author.

Now he felt as if he stood in front of his father, felt his father’s hand in his hair, as he never would again. He had wanted his father to be proud of him; and had failed him, in the end.

yeah, i’m sorry, but this feels really out of place. both in terms of the writing and the fact that it’s included at all. feels like some editor was like “you need to spell it out for the casual readers who are just interested in the porn if you want the scene to be effective.” the turns of phrase are a little trite and the entire thing just seems so… obvious? maybe i’m being too harsh, but i am curious what others think.

Laurent said, ‘No. I’m not here to—’ He said, ‘I’m just here.’

this is a lovely line. laurent knows damen thinks his presence is a call to action, but wants him to know he’s safe and can just exist. a little bit of a reversal between them.

Laurent, he realised, had guarded his solitude for him. And his people, fearing the fierce, strange foreign prince, had done as Laurent ordered, and stayed out. He was stupidly, profoundly grateful for that.

again with the reversal—similar to what happened after aimeric/nicaise

Before he could, he felt Laurent’s fingers on the back of his neck, a shock of touch that caught him in a tumult of confusion as it drew him forward, simply. It was, from Laurent, slightly awkward; sweet; rare; stiff with obvious inexperience. If he had been offered this as an adult, he couldn’t remember it.

<3 i still think we’re getting a lot spelled out for us, but it’s so lovely here that i don’t mind.

‘Now you are taking advantage of my kind-hearted instincts,’ Laurent said, a murmur into his ear.

:)

He let his lips form a half-smile. ‘You aren’t going to offer me one of your gaudy Veretian handkerchiefs?’ ‘You could use the clothing you’re wearing. It’s about the same size.’ ‘Your poor Veretian sensibilities. All those wrists and ankles.’ ‘And arms and thighs and every other part.’ ‘My father’s dead.’

YEP THIS IS GREAT. love how it takes this swift u-turn away from their usual banter. we know these characters and how they usually speak, so this is effective on its own

The words had a finality to them.

... so we don’t need this! we GET that finality from the way they heavily contrast with the light banter and stop it abruptly with "my father's dead."

His father was buried in Akielos beneath the columned halls of the silent, where the pain and confusion of his last days would never trouble him again.

this might be giving us a little hint of damen almost wanting to be dead himself? in the sense that it would be peaceful, to not have to deal with this bullshit. he hasn't grown up having these kinds of feelings acknowledged so he's unprepared to cope with them now.

‘You thought he was a warmonger. An aggressive, war-hungry king, who invaded your country on the flimsiest of pretexts, hungry for land and the glory of Akielos.’ ‘No,’ said Laurent. ‘We don’t have to do this now.’

laurent doesn’t disagree. the “no” is for “i’m not letting you do this yourself emotionally.” and laurent would know all about torturing himself with harsh realities about dead people during intimate and vulnerable moments, so that’s really saying something

‘A barbarian,’ said Damen, ‘with barbaric ambitions, fit only to rule by the sword. You hated him.’ ‘I hated you,’ said Laurent. ‘I hated you so badly I thought I’d choke on it. If my uncle hadn’t stopped me, I would have killed you. And then you saved my life, and every time I needed you, you were there, and I hated you for that, too.’ ‘I killed your brother.’

this feels a little bit like a summary, but i’ll allow it since they’re having an honest conversation while knowing each other fully for like the first time. do you think this is the chapter that was edited/pitched to publishers first? i don’t know exactly how publishing works, but it does feel just kind of weird

‘What are you doing here?’ Damen said.

i like how we get some insecurity from damen here. we don’t see it often, like this. he is surprised that laurent wants him, even while he is being vulnerable. i’d say it’s a toxic masculinity thing, but in the context of this world it’s more of a toxic royalty thing

Laurent said, ‘I know what it’s like to lose family.’

(as an answer to “what are you doing here?”) i get what this is trying to say, i think. laurent is looking past his anger at damen for auguste and offering him empathy, even though damen caused the tragedy that allows laurent to be empathetic in this case. it still feels… slightly off, though. maybe it’s even the fact that damen asked in the first place. maybe it’s the fact that laurent answered verbally. so much between them has been unspoken thus far, and i don’t see why that needs to change, even though they’re in a more supportive relationship. that can be implicit, too. and that unspoken understanding makes it even more intimate and distinctly Them.

‘Is there no way forward for us?’ said Damen. It just came out. Beside him, he could feel Laurent holding himself very still. ‘You mean, will I come back to your bed for the little time we have left?’ ‘I mean that we hold the centre. We hold everything from Acquitart to Sicyon. Can we not call it a kingdom and rule it together? Am I such a poorer prospect than a Patran princess, or a daughter of the Empire?’

he mentions unification so casually, which is both rewarding to the reader who has been screaming it for chapters but also kind of… annoying? i don’t know, so much of this feels in service of the imminent sex scene. kind of rushed or dumbed down. so much tension has been meticulously built, and they’ve had sex under far less resolved conditions. here it’s almost like there’s a checklist of Things Damen and Laurent Have to Agree On/Share About Themselves Emotionally Before They Can Satisfyingly Fuck For The First Time As Themselves. but like, these bitches are messy. always have been, always will be. and they’ve always BEEN themselves. to just try to quickly resolve and drop the mess feels inconsistent, and makes the execution of the sex less unique and ironically more shallow, maybe

When he made himself look at Laurent, Laurent’s eyes on him were very dark, his voice quiet. ‘How can you trust me, after what your own brother did to you?’ ‘Because he was false,’ said Damen, ‘and you are true. I have never known a truer man.’ He said, into the stillness, ‘I think if I gave you my heart, you would treat it tenderly.’

contrast to what he’s learned about his family—kastor and his father, because the negative things he said about his father as if laurent believes them are also things damen has come to believe.

it’s a sweet line. and kind of insane, given everything laurent has done. but i think it works, because we know damen has been like this about laurent from the start. and we also know its difficult for laurent to believe or accept that anyone would want to trust him with their heart. i wish we could have had this interaction be spoken, but with FAR less of the previous conversation here. start the scene with laurent entering, have them comfort each other physically but unable to speak. or speak around the subject, instead of hitting the nail on the head. then give them this extremely direct moment, and it would be a lot more effective.

listen i’m not saying i’m better or smarter or anything, it is ultimately a matter of taste and i’ve been taking a break from the books. but i have done a VERY CLOSE READING of this series so far, so i feel at least somewhat capable of analyzing it in this way. if that makes sense.

Laurent turned his head, denying Damen his face.

this doesn’t feel like a pacat line. the construction of it does, but i feel like she’d say something far less direct and far more poetic than “denying his face”

Damen could see his breathing. After a moment he said in a low voice, ‘When you make love to me like that, I can’t think.’ ‘Don’t think,’ said Damen. Damen saw the flickering change, the tension, as the words provoked an internal battle. Damen said, ‘Don’t think.’ ‘Don’t,’ said Laurent, ‘toy with me. I—have not the means to—defend against this.’ ‘I don’t toy with you.’ ‘I—’ ‘Don’t think,’ said Damen. ‘Kiss me,’ said Laurent. And then flushed, a rich colour. Don’t think, Damen had said, but Laurent couldn’t do that. Even to sit there after what he had said, he was fighting a battle in his head. The words hung awkwardly, a blurt, but Laurent didn’t take them back, he just waited, his body singing with tension. Instead of leaning in, Damen took Laurent’s hand, brought it towards himself, and kissed his palm, once.

yeah.

He had learned in the course of their one night together to tell when Laurent was taken unawares—taken aback. It wasn’t easy to anticipate, the gaps in Laurent’s experience not mapping to anything that he understood. He felt it now, Laurent’s eyes very dark, uncertain of what he should do. ‘I meant—’ ‘Don’t let you think?’ Laurent didn’t answer.

this is. such an interesting way to bring in previous themes of consent and submission. bc this is by all means consensual, but laurent is almost asking damen to just take what he wants, because his anxiety is so bad that he doesn’t really WANT to be asked what he wants or made to initiate. it's submission willingly given because laurent trusts damen, both in terms of seeing and understanding his weakness here and in taking care of his pleasure. laurent asking outright to not have to be strong in this situation, and trusting damen to treat him well while his guard is down. trusting him with his heart, just as damen has sworn to trust laurent with his.

Laurent’s wariness was not, at this moment, the high walls of the defended citadel. It was that of a man with a portion of his guard down, who was desperately unused to it.

After a moment: ‘At Ravenel, I—it had been a long time since I had—with anyone. I was nervous.’ ‘I know,’ said Damen. ‘There has,’ said Laurent. He stopped. ‘There has only been one other person.’ Softly, ‘I’m a little more experienced than that.’ ‘Yes, that is immediately apparent.’ ‘Is it?’ A little pleased. ‘Yes.’

THIS is lamen dialogue. so much unsaid, and it’s perfect, because we know what it’s all implying.

‘Laurent, I’d never hurt you.’ He heard Laurent’s strange, disbelieving breath, and he realised what he had said. ‘I know,’ said Damen, ‘that I did hurt you.’ Laurent’s motionlessness was careful, even his breathing was careful. He didn’t turn back to look at Damen. ‘I hurt you, Laurent.’ ‘That’s enough, stop,’ said Laurent. ‘It wasn’t right. You were just a boy. You didn’t deserve what happened to you.’ ‘I said that’s enough.’ ‘Is it so hard to hear?’

big moment for damen, realizing he did something to hurt laurent and admitting it. this has been building for a while with his guilt about his father and slavery and everything else akielos stands for. damen has always lied to himself, a lot. he almost treats this scene like a confession.

on the laurent side of things: this is damen admitting he was wrong, but still wanting to be better. i think that confuses laurent, to think that anyone would ever want to treat him well when they’re strong enough to hurt him. also, this is just generally intense for laurent, but he's still here despite his discomfort because he cares about damen.

this entire scene really is just an insane amount of honesty and vulnerability from them both. it's quick to overwhelm laurent, while damen seems to be getting kind of addicted to it and wanting more. which he gets, in more ways than one.

He thought of Auguste, thought how no boy deserved to lose his brother.

interesting line for a guy who ends up almost being murdered by his stepbrother and gets saved by his divorce husband, whose brother he killed, killing his stepbrother

He didn’t understand the forces that moved in Laurent, but some instinct pushed him to say it. ‘My first time, there was a lot of rolling around. I was eager and had no idea what to do. It’s not like Vere, we don’t watch people doing it in public.’ He said, ‘I still get too caught up near the end. I know I forget myself.’

awww :) he’s trying to make him feel less awkward. this is such a setting-transcendent moment. anyone would say something like this, whether in this weird horny semi historical fictional society or any other romance setting. "you're new to this, but so was i. and i still have my flaws."

A silence. It went on too long. He didn’t disturb it, watching the tense line of Laurent’s body.

love the patience here

‘When you kissed me,’ said Laurent, pushing the words out, ‘I liked it. When you took me in your mouth, it was the first time that I had . . . done that.’ He said, ‘I liked it when you—’

he’s so brave for saying this. i’m not being sarcastic. go laurent

Laurent’s reaction to kissing had always been complex: tense; vulnerable; hot. The tension was the greatest part of it, as though this single act was too much for him, too extreme. And yet, he had asked for it. Kiss me.

as always, the way laurent is not a normal romantic interest but still deeply loved and respected narratively makes me feel so happy. gives me hope etc

Don’t think, he’d said, because it was easier than saying, Take me for who I am. He couldn’t bear that suddenly. He wanted it without pretences, without excuses, his fingers curling hard into Laurent’s hair.

love this evolution. damen desperately wants laurent to be here and thinking, and knowing him, and still letting himself want this. again, with the almost addiction to honesty between them. he's getting swept up in it.

‘It’s me,’ said Damen. ‘It’s me, here with you. Say my name.’ ‘Damianos.’ He felt the sundering in Laurent at that, the name an admission, a statement of truth that came out of him, Laurent open to him with nothing to hide behind. He could hear it in Laurent’s voice. Prince-killer.

He wanted it, felt a surge of purely selfish desire as he thought of it, that Laurent knew it was him. That Laurent wanted this with him.

we know. this could have been left out.

It was subsumed, as it had to be, into the act of kissing. His body felt heavy, one form of penetration substituted for another, the tremors in Laurent not that of a single barrier crumbling, but shudders as though one after another were being brought down, each place unexplored, each place deeper than the last. Prince-killer.

so is this kind of meant to conjure the image of damen taking auguste down, right? breaking down defenses, penetration, etc. prince killer as in murderer, but he’s also killing laurent as in like. “lady-killer ;)”

He felt acutely aware that he was half on his back, naked, with Laurent fully clothed, astride, still wearing his polished boots and the high-necked, tightly laced collar of his jacket. It was a sudden, vulnerable fantasy that Laurent might simply get up and wander off, strolling the rooms, or sit in the chair opposite to sip wine with his legs crossed, while Damen was left exposed on the bed.

yeah damen, you WOULD be into that

Laurent didn’t do that. Laurent lifted his hands to his own neck. His eyes on Damen’s, slowly, he took up one of the tight-laced ties at his throat, and drew on it.

the EYE CONTACT!!!

In the dim light, Auguste was between them, sharp as a knife. The scar on his shoulder was the last thing Auguste had done before Damen had killed him. The kiss was like a wound, as if to do it Laurent was impaling himself on that knife. There was an edge of desperation to it, Laurent kissing like he needed it, his fingers clutching, his body unsteady.

it really feels like this should be cut at “wound.” maybe continue with a much more brief “laurent impaled himself.” we can MAKE the connection that it’s like he’s stabbing himself on this figurative thing, but doing it anyway because he wants it. it doesn’t need to be written out, it’s already on the page between the lines! it is SO bizarre to me that pacat's style has changed in this way in seemingly just this one chapter. maybe it's because i stepped away for a while, but honestly i can't see how i couldn't NOT have a sort of sixth sense for recognizing these weird moments given the amount of detail i've put into my analysis and reading. again, your thoughts are definitely appreciated.

He kissed back knowing it hurt him, hurt them both. There was a desperation in both of them, an aching need that could not be filled, and he could feel it in Laurent, the same unconscious striving.

another example of “we don’t need the second the sentence because the first already says it!!” i seriously suspect that this scene was written way more raw at first but an editor was like “you have to make it a lot more clear they both want it/they’re chill with each other over and over again so it’s not too vague”

another alternate explanation could be the chapter's overarching theme of abundant honestly, like almost an overwhelming amount of it, but i still don't think that explains the change in like, craft. there's a difference between characters changing their behavior through development or to make a thematic point, and the narrative itself shifting in how it tells the story. and while damen is kind of going from the extreme of lying to himself about everything to craving this truth, it's still strange to read, and feels like a very intense departure from their previous scenes together.

In a burst of explicit fantasy, he wished Laurent were a pet, or a slave, wished him a body that was not going to require extensive, coaxing preparation before it could be penetrated.

“you like it simple” flashbacks

i think both laurent and damen have moments of wanting this, but ultimately care far more for the more complicated and real parts of their relationship and selves. that was a lot of my chapter 7 analysis re-write. part of what i love about this pairing is that it's really not that much about the sex for them, which is highly ironic given gestures vaguely to the story and world. true intimacy between them has been in their conversations, their little sidequests together and the way they've connected intellectually and emotionally despite literally every odd being against that happening. it's in the way they are equals, and choose to devote themselves mutually, whether it's through despising or adoring each other. anyone can fuck; and especially in this series, almost everyone does. whatever damen and laurent do is wayyy more insane and complicated and interesting and real than that.

He wanted to be inside. He wanted to feel Laurent’s surrender shudder and give way, become total. He wanted no denying that Laurent had let him in, who he had let in. It’s me. His body primed, as though only in one act could this be driven home.

(heads up, i talk pretty explicitly about sexual assault and rape in the following paragraphs)

see, i don’t get how THAT is the ultimate sign of laurent "letting damen in." because anyone could fuck anyone if they’re powerful enough, right? that’s the whole tragedy of laurent, he sees himself as weak because this has been done to him before without his consent. i guess the surrender is in admitting he wants it, which does make sense with how everything has been set up. laurent has been assaulted and harassed and objectified by countless people, but damen is the only one he’s even given enthusiastic consent, so yeah i guess it is the ultimate sign of uhhhh accomplishment, for damen? for lack of a better word. but that still just feels OFF to me. the emotions and the logic of it.

i understand that there is a raw sort of honesty to sex; a body's natural response, fairly disconnected from morality or reason. damen has experienced that for laurent from the very start, and it's gotten him into trouble before. but despite that, he isn't a character who experiences shame about having those feelings, like, ever. the man had sex slaves, after all. he is horny despite the horrors, that's his thing.

i guess where i struggle is in, myself, thinking that the kind of primal sexual honesty here is real or meaningful in the same way the aforementioned emotional and intellectual intimacy are. like, there's something here that just bothers me. maybe it's the way damen is so swept up in the "honesty" of laurent letting himself be fucked, as a totally good and amazing and real thing. i get how damen might feel that way, but it's like, did the regent not also feel those same kinds of feelings, and act on them? if laurent had any kind of bodily response to his own assault, was that bodily honesty his emotional or intellectual truth? is it any different from the bodily honesty damen is appreciating here? this line of thinking is a common way that people convince others that they wanted or deserved their assault. i know damen is like deeply unqualified to understand that, and i know that laurent does want it and damen cares for him deeply, but i guess i almost feel protective of laurent in this moment, with the way damen is thinking during this scene.

all of the terrible people in this series who do so many things without consent, to degrade and disempower others or simply because they think they're entitled to it, are acting on the same primal urges as damen in this scene. what makes damen different from them, the entire reason laurent trusts damen enough to LET him do this, is the fact that damen respects laurent beyond those primal urges, and sees him as a person and not an object. raw sexual desire, by contrast, is just... simple.

i get a little lost here as a reader because, like laurent, i need to intellectualize everything always. i do not like it simple, often to my own detriment, admittedly. it’s hard for me to amend the idea of this like unmitigated desire for sexual honesty/vulnerability with damen genuinely respecting laurent, even though i know he does and that’s literally the entire point, that the two things can coexist and this is romantic and powerful because somehow they do. i can suspend my disbelief while reading this in fiction, but it’s harder to rationalize or understand based on my own experiences, and my knowledge of the real world. trusting another person with vulnerability is horrifying and the series knows it, but is trying to offer a strong rebuttal in the way damen and laurent love each other.

maybe it's just that in this scene, i'm not totally sold. or something.

‘Do it, I told you, I don’t care—’

there is a little part of me that’s like “uh is this what a person who really wants to be doing this would say??” but also i know damn well that i'm projecting so go off king i guess????

maybe i would have been more satisfied by this scene if damen did not fuck laurent here and now. i don't know. this analysis is poor, unobjective, confused and hypocritical. but i'm not struggling with it in a fun or enriching way, like with chapter 7, it just makes me feel kinda bad. so i'm pushing through.

He was inside Laurent. It felt raw and unprotected. He had never felt more like himself: Laurent had let him inside, knowing who he was.

yes. WE KNOW.

Damen’s grip, still oiled, was wrapped around the hottest, most honest part of Laurent.

“most honest part” yeah that pretty much sums up what makes me weird about this scene. the way damen DELIGHTS in the primal honesty of it all, beneath laurent’s carefully constructed defenses. i guess just, its been so nice reading damen being so respectful of laurent’s hesitations and boundaries, and therefore falling for his personality and intellect and genuinely growing to understand and respect him without the promise of submission or sex, so the framing of this being damen finally getting what he REALLY wanted from laurent the whole time is… kind of rough to read. like oh, this is REALLY intimacy. this is the height of it. but it's not. like, at all.

damen is not me, and i get that. but in previous times where damen has done shit i've felt weird about, i've never felt like the narrative has been poking at me to approve of it or feel positive catharsis. but this entire scene is so heavily written to be this great moment of celebration and positive catharsis, for protagonist and reader alike. but what are we even celebrating here? we're celebrating the honesty between damen and laurent about their identities, and the fact that they support each other anyway. given how much baggage they both have about sex, i almost feel like it would be a more effective scene if they DIDN'T fuck. like, laurent just hugging damen was beautiful. that kind of simple comfort, not inherently sexual, was unusual to damen. and therefore impactful. but noooo, the sex is supposed to be the pinnacle, and we made the way for it with some weirdly written overly explanatory dialogue shoved at the start of the scene. to be fair, damen does literally say, 'I still get too caught up near the end. I know I forget myself.’ which is kind of what I've just described happening.

i just don't think i am where the book wants me to be, with how i react to that. it's an odd feeling. i feel like everyone is going to read this and be like "wow she has issues, she's insane, you're supposed to like that he forgets himself and is consumed by his desires." but oh well. i usually don't enjoy the romance genre for a reason.

this series really does challenge my own ability to let simple desire coexist with the proven need to be highly intentional and thoughtful in caring about/interacting with others. it’s hard for me to believe those two things can be in harmony—that you can be honest and vulnerable, and not either be hurting someone, getting hurt by someone, enabling someone else’s self-harm, or hurting yourself.

i suppose some of the catharsis of this scene is that laurent and damen are doing this together, KNOWING they have hurt each other. that they will always have that between them, yet also knowing and trusting that they can and will treat each other well.

it’s just hard for me to see that as anything other than fantasy. it's not honest, it's not real, in the way i've come to understand those concepts both in my personal ethos and the ethos of the series. so this entire scene built around honesty as a theme just kind of falls flat. it’s tragic, really, that damen is so happy about this apparent truth between them when he is unaware of the very blatant and relevant reality of laurent’s history with sexual assault. it’s a powerful scene, but not for the reasons damen thinks it’s powerful. maybe pacat meant for that to be the case, maybe she didn’t, maybe editing made it weird. who knows.

but it is, as i’ve said in previous chapter analysis posts, a nice fantasy. i'm glad if it hits for other readers, and i respect that cs pacat put it here for a reason. maybe someday i'll re-read it and react differently.

[testingforgravity]

Chapter 24 of Grand Theft Holo is up on ao3!

Three words: Triple. Crash. Out.

Grand Theft Holo by TestingForGravity:

Six former Jedi. One impossible heist. There's nobody else in the rebellion Petro would choose for a job this important. But does his crew still trust each other enough to pull it off?

[sammywolfgirl]

Drawtober day 21- carnival

Spoons picked a bad day to die when I have to draw a horse.

[whumpcereal]

the kennel, part twelve

part of the kennel (masterlist here). occurs a couple weeks after part eleven. if you thought it was dark before, it's about to get even darker. please proceed with caution.

content warnings for: explicit noncon, threats of future noncon/dubcon, noncon touch, noncon use of toys and restraints, forced nudity, death threats, intense fear, pet whump, filmed whump, extreme dehumanization, negative self talk, adult language

part twelve, betrayal

Tommy knows it’s coming. 

It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out–not that anyone would accuse Tommy of being a genius. Certainly not now. Weeks ago–shit, it’s not months yet, is it?--he was a person. A talented young dancer who’d just signed his first contract with a company. Now, he’s a wan paper doll in bouncing puppy ears, his every movement recorded and beamed to sickos around the globe, and it certainly isn’t his brain they’re tuning in for.  

That’s how he knows. The tail, its phallic bulb long and thick inside of him, was the first clue that Doc was starting to think bigger and better. Doc’s left it in for weeks now, only removing it out of the barest consideration for lubrication and biology. Eventually, Tommy stopped noticing it was even there. His body’s adjusted to its new role, accommodated something that it should have refused. 

But even though he knows it’s coming, he still isn’t ready when it does. 

Tommy is asleep on his cot when Doc comes in; he’d sprained his ankle during one of Doc’s fucking marionette tableau sessions, and Doc had taken pity on him and let him sleep lying down for once. 

“Rise and shine, Champerooni,” Doc murmurs. “It’s time to get up. You’ve got a big day today.” 

There’s no outward indication that it’s morning. There are no windows, only unrelenting fluorescent lights. Maybe it isn’t a new day at all. Tommy has no way of knowing. Doc likes it that way, Tommy thinks. 

He whimpers a little as Doc tugs the blanket away from his naked body. His mouth is cotton around the silicone phallus that’s been stuffed inside of it since Doc’s last visit; he needs water, but he knows Doc will make him beg first. He knows how this goes.  

Doc wraps his hand around Tommy’s tail, jerking it around inside of Tommy until it prods at one particular spot. Tommy moans, and Doc laughs, letting the tail go and scratching lazily at Tommy’s bare ass. 

“Rise and shine, I said,” Doc says again. His voice is harder now, more demanding. 

Tommy does what he’s told. He shifts from the cot onto his knees, careful not to sit back on his injured ankle; part of him still tries to protect himself from permanent damage, even if he knows it’s a losing battle. Doc strokes him a few times, and Tommy stiffens beneath his touch. He dangles his mitts in front of his chest and stares down at the floor, waiting. 

“Such a good boy,” Doc coos. “Already begging for more.” 

He isn’t, but it doesn’t matter.  

Doc reaches behind Tommy’s head and undoes the gag, slipping the silicone cock from between his lips with what might pass for tender care. He drags his thumb over Tommy’s dry lips and nods in approval. 

“Speak, Champ.” 

“Thank you, sir,” Tommy says, shifting his jaw back and forth to try and dissipate the ache in his muscles. He swallows, and the inside of his throat feels like a crumpled piece of paper. 

Doc’s hand moves around him again. “You’re welcome, boy.” 

Tommy’s cheeks burn, but he lets his body respond the way it is supposed to. Okay, so he doesn’t let it do anything. He knows that he doesn’t have any control. He’s just obedient. That’s all. 

He doesn’t want to admit that it feels good, that he misses being touched so badly that Doc’s unwanted attentions aren’t really so unwanted at all. 

“Would you like some water?” 

Tommy nods, whining the way Doc likes. He keeps his hands limp in front of his chest. 

Doc fills the bowl with the plastic jug he brought, and then he smiles back at Tommy. “Alright, Champ. Free.”

Tommy doesn’t waste a moment. He scuttles to the bowl on his hands and knees, dropping his face down and lapping hungrily at the cool water. He’s so absorbed that he almost doesn’t notice it when Doc squats behind him and starts to stroke the small of his back. 

Almost. 

“Stay,” Doc says, his voice low and husky.

Tommy freezes, his face inches above the water bowl. He can feel the water dripping from his chin, hear it as it falls back into the bowl, but he can’t move. Doc’s thumb massages a heavy circle into Tommy’s skin. 

“Today is a very special day,” Doc murmurs. He yanks at Tommy’s tail, not hard enough to pull it out, but enough that Tommy can’t help the bleat of discomfort that escapes from his mouth. “Your fans have decided it’s time, Champ.” 

“T-time for what?” Tommy asks, even though he already knows the answer. His knees feel like rubber beneath him. 

Doc presses the fly of his jeans against Tommy’s ass, and the tail rasps in again under the pressure. 

“For your training to progress, my good boy.” 

“No,” Tommy whispers. For a second, he contemplates shoving his face back into the bowl and drowning himself. It can’t be time. Not yet. This can’t be how it happens. 

Except that of course this is how it happens, because Tommy’s life is a complete fucking nightmare, and he’s starting to believe that he will never wake up. 

Doc grinds into him. “Yes. Now, this isn’t my favorite chore–no offense, Champ, but you’re not really my type–but it’s important you have a firm and guiding hand. That your public can see you’ll be worth whatever they’re willing to pay for you when the time comes.”

Doc’s firm and guiding hand dips beneath Tommy and strokes him again. Tommy imagines other strange hands doing the same, and he thinks he might be sick. 

He was supposed to have this moment with someone special. He was supposed to feel safe and loved. He was supposed to be in control. 

“Please,” Tommy says. “Please, don’t. I’m not ready, I–”

“You are,” Doc insists. 

He wraps his hands around Tommy’s hips, positioning Tommy so that his ass is in the air, and then he starts to work the tail from Tommy’s backside. Tommy groans and tries to move away, but Doc’s free hand digs into Tommy’s hip again. 

“Stay, goddamnit,” Doc snarls. 

Tommy stays. He feels the tail give way, and he’s ashamed of the emptiness he feels.

It doesn’t last long. Doc’s fingers dip into his hole, which is, by design, loose and ready. 

“Well done, Champ,” Doc says. “Now, this first time, we’ll be quick. Just to rip the bandaid off, you know? We’ll work on technique a little later.” 

Doc’s zipper drops, and Tommy hears the telltale click of the lube bottle being snapped open. 

Something inside of Tommy snaps with it. 

Tommy’s body is still powerful, even if it’s a little banged up. He kicks his legs out from underneath him, and he feels his heels connect with Doc’s solid gut. The older man grunts, and Tommy hears him thud against the floor. But Tommy doesn’t look back. He manages to get to his feet and starts for the door of the cage. 

It’s not open. It never is. Doc is never that careless. He always locks that door behind him. 

Tommy bangs on it anyway, like that’s going to make some kind of fucking difference. He screams as though someone will hear. 

No one hears. The door does not give way. Doc is back on his feet, and he’s ripping at Tommy’s collar, yanking Tommy backward and into the center of his glass prison. 

“NO!” Tommy screams. He manages to wriggle away from Doc’s grip for a second, and he turns, throwing his fists in front of him like some kind of deranged boxer. “Get the fuck away from me!” 

Doc’s salt and pepper hair is out of place, a chunk dangling over his eyes. He hasn’t done up his zipper. He doesn’t look kind now, and–more importantly–he doesn’t look intimidated. 

He sighs and then kicks out, nailing Tommy’s injured ankle. 

Tommy crumples immediately, wailing in pain. Still, he tries to fight, kicking and screaming even as Doc hoists him to his knees. 

“I don’t want this!” he cries. “You–you sick fucking bastard! I will never–never–” 

Doc backhands him across the face. “Shut your filthy mouth, boy. You don’t speak to me that way. And you certainly don’t get to tell me no.” 

“NO!” Tommy shrieks again, his chest beating wildly. 

Another slap. “Oh, Champ. You should know better.”

The part of Tommy that refused also forgot. 

It isn’t until Doc is fastening his wrists to the overhead rigging that Tommy remembers: it isn’t only him that will be punished for this. 

“You know what happens when you’re a bad boy,” Doc grumbles. 

Tommy shakes his head. Oh, God. Will. He’s just fucked Will over too. 

Doc opens an app on his phone, and the rigging retracts, forcing Tommy to his feet. He cries out when his weight rests too much on his ankle. Doc could give a shit. He kicks Tommy’s ankles apart and cuffs them to loops on the floor. Tommy whimpers, but Doc ignores him. When Doc is finished, Tommy’s naked body is a wide open ‘X,’ and he hears the automated zip of the cameras as Doc taps on the screen of his phone. 

“This could have been so easy,” Doc murmurs. He steps aside, rescuing the dog ear headband from Tommy’s cot and shoving it roughly over his head. “It won’t be easy now. Not for you, of course, but not for your little friend either.” 

Tommy jerks against his bonds, the stupid dog ears flopping down against his forehead. “No! No, please! I’m sorry! I’ll do anything–just, please, please, leave him alone!” 

Doc kneels to double check the restraints at Tommy’s ankles. He looks up at one of the cameras with a grin, wrapping a possessive hand around Tommy’s trembling calf. 

“He means the little mutt,” he says to the camera. “I rescued him with Champ here, and Champ knows the deal: when he’s naughty, it’s the little mutt who will take his knocks for him.” Doc squeezes Tommy’s leg. “I think you’ll enjoy his little guest spot today. And we’ll make sure Champ does too.” 

Tommy’s stomach roils. Doc can’t bring Will here. The things that happen in the doghouse–Will wouldn’t be able to handle it. Jesus, Tommy can’t handle it, but at least he’s had some preparation. At least Doc let him know what he was in for. 

He doesn’t want Will to see him this way. And he sure as fuck doesn’t want to see Will get hurt again. Especially if Doc–no. No, he wouldn’t. He can’t. 

“No–you can’t–” 

“I can, actually,” Doc says. He stands, letting his hand slip north as he rises. He cups Tommy’s balls, holding them like he’s trying to determine their weight. “You forget who’s master here, Champ. But you won’t forget again. Not after today. And neither will the mutt.” 

“You can’t do this to him!” Tommy shrieks. His mitts bat uselessly at the air. “I’m the–the Romantic!” The word hits him like a blow, but he swallows and forces himself to keep pleading. “This is what you took me for, and–”

Doc laughs, landing a patronizing pat on Tommy’s cheek. “Rescued, boy. And it’s interesting how you remember that now. If you’d only remembered a few minutes ago, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” 

“You can’t,” Tommy says again, but his head falls between his raised arms. 

“I’m not going to,” Doc replies. He pushes his hair back into place and locks eyes with Tommy. “You are.” 

What the fuck? 

Tommy’s chin jerks up. “What?” 

Doc’s eyes crinkle at their corners, and not for the first time, Tommy wonders how someone who looks so kind can be so completely unhinged. Doc wraps his fingers around Tommy’s chin and grips it hard.

“Oh, Champ. I have to make sure you learn, don’t I? And the best way to learn is by doing, you know?” 

Tommy swallows bile. There’s no fucking way. He can’t. He won’t do this. What Doc’s suggesting–Doc can’t make him. It’s not like Tommy’s body is just going to give into this. He won’t hurt Will this way.

But, of course, he’s wrong. 

Doc lets Tommy’s chin go and steps outside the box, zipping his pants as he goes. Tommy cranes his head to see; Doc is rifling through the cabinets by the computer monitor. That never ends well for Tommy. The things in those cabinets are sent in by the viewers, and Tommy’s spent enough days in the dog ears and tail to know that he doesn’t want any more of their gifts. 

Doc pockets whatever it is that he’s decided on and goes back to Tommy. 

“Champ here is going to be a good little stud for his mutt friend.” Doc is looking at Tommy but speaking to the cameras. “Whether he wants to or not.” 

“No,” Tommy whines. “Please, I can’t–” 

He can’t even get the words out. He squeezes his eyes shut. There’s no fucking way. This is insane. This isn’t happening. It isn’t happening. It won’t happen. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck–

“Oh, Champers, I’m here to help, aren’t I?” Doc reaches into his pocket, and Tommy doesn’t miss the soft whirring that starts in Doc’s hand. “We’ll make sure you’re ready for him, don’t you worry.” 

Tommy’s tears break free as Doc secures a black silicone ring around his cock. Already, Tommy can feel the vibrations starting to build around him, and he groans. But he knows it’s about to get worse. He understands exactly how Doc is going to force him to perform. 

Doc pulls the rest of the device back and between Tommy’s legs, slipping the thick phallus inside of Tommy without any warning. The thing pumps relentlessly inside of him, and Tommy knows immediately that he’s toast. If he could think, he would hate how easily he takes it, hate the way his body is ready after weeks of Doc’s careful training and attention. 

But he can’t think. He can only feel. He shivers as the pulses shake his nerves into some kind of mind-numbing static. His jaw goes slack with another moan, and he doesn’t fight it when he feels Doc slip the gag back between his teeth. Tommy’s mouth is full, and his head vibrates with the rest of him as his body bucks in its restraints. 

“What a sight you are, Champ,” Doc says appreciatively. He winks up at a camera. “Isn’t he?”  He drags his fingers through Tommy’s curls, yanking backward until Tommy’s collared neck is a column, his pulse leaping beneath pale skin. “See? You’ll be completely ready for the little mutt.”

No. The word echoes in Tommy’s head and then is drummed away by the rising vibration. It’s no use, and they both know it. Tommy sobs, but the gag muffles his protests. He’s shaking so badly that he’s almost grateful for the rigging keeping him upright. 

Doc leans close to Tommy’s ear. “You’ll be so needy by the time I bring that little fucker in here that you’re going to beg for whatever he has to offer.” 

Tommy tries to shake his head, but Doc only knuckles deeper into his hair. 

“And if you even think about fighting this time, if you think you can try to be noble and spare him–I’ll put him down and bury him in the sinkhole out back.” 

Tommy could swear his breath fucking stops, but the whirring inside of him does not; it burns, dry and unrelenting, and he knows it will never stop. 

Doc pulls away, slapping Tommy’s ass for good measure. He claps his hands and rubs them together, looking up again at the cameras. “I’m going to go get our little guest star. This will be such a surprise for him! And a treat for you all too.”

Doc leaves Tommy suspended in anticipation, his body slowly giving way to the inevitability of its own betrayal. 

...we'll pick up with poor Will next time. Buckle up...

taglist: @darkthingshappen, @oddsconvert, @sparrowsage, @whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump, @mylifeisonthebookshelf, @highwaywhump, @squishablesunbeam, @hold-him-down, @whumpsday, @sowhumpful, @termsnconditions-apply, @honey-is-mesi, @irishwhiskeygrl, @deltaxxk, @d-cs, @whumpinggrounds, @canislycaon24, @considerablecolors, @starlit-darkness, @scp-1926, @flowersarefreetherapy, @morning-star-whump, @whumpwhittler, @susiequaz12, @whumptakesthecake

[arrowfam-bracket]

ArrowFam Bracket Semi-Finals

Lian Harper

Connor Hawke

Voting ended onMar 29, 2023

[hannahssimblr]

Lucky Girl - Relationship Analysis

Evie & Dean

Dean first appears in chapter 2.2, and one of the first things we know about him is that Evie hates his guts. For some reason she really has it out for him, hating his clothes, his hair, his art style, his arrogance, the way he holds himself. We don’t get to see Evie’s first weeks of college, so the initial reason for her hatred isn’t ever really established, but we can assume that his critiques of her work during classes has been hurtful to her. 

I think this is a moment where Evie becomes a bit of a contradictory character. On one hand, she feels insecure and lacking in confidence about most things in her life, and yet when it comes to her art she’s defensive. Though she may never admit it, Evie is used to being the ‘art girl’. She’s used to being more skilled than others around her, so entering college and being surrounded by people who are equally, if not more skilled than her puts her on the defensive. She’s uncomfortable with criticism. 

Dean is an intentionally confusing character for the first half of part two. I really didn’t want anyone to really know what to make of him. Isn’t he just giving normal criticism? Surely there’s no need for Evie to be so rude to him, he’s really only trying to help. Yet there’s something about Dean that’s not quite right. We see through Evie’s eyes here, so we're supposed to be as unsure as she is about him. She can’t see what everyone else already can. 

Dean shows some interest in Evie early on, perhaps out of pure curiosity. He claims that he doesn’t understand why she hates him so much, and gives her a talk about accepting feedback, telling her that she’ll never improve as an artist unless she’s willing to take on the opinions of others. He’s not wrong. 

We get our first glimpses into Dean’s life in chapter 2.5 when Marnie and Fiona gossip about him in the bathroom. We learn he’s from a working class area. He’s been to college before. He needs to work evenings and nights in a pizza restaurant to afford his college fees. Hearing their sneering of him for these facts puts Evie on the defensive. She’s working class too, and so for the first time she feels camaraderie with Dean, a need to defend him from those who don’t understand his struggles in the same way that she does. 

Later that night she encounters Dean on the landing while waiting for Marnie. He’s on drugs, though she’s not sure of it yet. He traces shapes on her palm and she doesn’t stop him, though is dimly aware that she’d be judged by her friends for allowing him to do this. Dean is curious about Evie now, and when his inhibitions are lowered he feels more at ease to touch her. The fact that she doesn’t resist is interesting. 

Evie thinks about that encounter the whole way home and eventually opens up about it to Marnie, who immediately assumes that something weird and non-consensual was afoot. Evie tries to explain that it wasn’t, she didn’t feel violated by him. Marnie asks Evie if she fancies Dean, and she says she doesn’t, although she’s no longer sure if that’s true. 

The following day, Marnie, in a pissy mood, texts Dean to tell him off about crossing Evie’s supposed boundaries. Dean responds to this by confronting Evie and then blocking her number. She’s incensed, appalled, how could he just block her like that? Doesn’t she mean more than that to him? 

The blocking is particularly traumatic for Evie who is still reeling from her rejections by Kelly and Jude in part 1. The Christmas scenes have made her feel even more vulnerable, as Kelly has made a point of making her feel worthless. She cannot cope with the idea that Dean could so easily delete her from his life, so she goes to his workplace on New Year’s Eve and waits for him in the cold so that she can confront him. 

This is one of Evie’s bolder moves, but she simply can’t stand for Dean to do this to her without explanation. She needs to know why. This is one of the most crucial moments in their relationship, as it’s a transfer of power. Unbeknownst to Evie she has shown him something very interesting about herself, through this action coupled with her frustration over his feedback in college - she has a need for his approval. Dean wins. 

Dean insists on walking Evie home after their confrontation, and even though she says no, he does it anyway. They talk a little about themselves, and as they reach the door Evei has a moment of realisation - she thinks that he’s hot. He clocks this moment too and is curious about it. How can he use this to his advantage? Every moment with Dean feels a little strange to Evie, there’s something about him that’s different to other people, and by the end of part two we know what it is - he’s simply trying to read her, trying to manipulate her for his own gains, and he has been since the very beginning.

The two get closer in the following months, and slowly Evie begins to feel like his ‘favourite’ of the college group. One night in a pub, Dean admits that he’s most attracted to Evie out of all of them, and she’s embarrassed but flattered. He’s noticed that she’s special, and that’s food for her dwindling self-esteem. 

Later on he opens up about his family life, which makes Evie realise that they don’t have as much in common as she really thought. She could never relate to the things he’s going through, and in fact, his problems make her feel childish and naive in comparison. He changes the subject to tell her that he thinks she’s hot, and takes total control over the conversation until he can steer it to a point where he’ll be able to kiss her. The kissing doesn’t exactly feel right or natural to Evie, but it’s fine. True love is an illusion anyway, not every kiss is going to feel right and perfect. 

Dean is pushy with her when he walks her to her door, asking to come in, but she pushes him away jokingly. She’s uncomfortable but doesn’t want to admit it in case he thinks she’s immature. He doesn’t know she’s still a virgin. 

Things go immediately sour at Evie’s birthday party when Dean shows up high after work. He’s a chef, and due to the stresses of his job he’s developed a mean cocaine habit - so has everyone who works in Primo. They weren’t buzzing around like efficient worker bees for no reason. Because Jude is with her, Evie can see clearly for a moment, as view Dean through his eyes. God, he really is a bit embarrassing isn’t he? He tries to sell Jude cocaine in the toilets, but clearly has no idea where he is or which way is up. Jude tells Evie that Dean was trying to do a line off the wall mirror, and later reveals that he turned the baggie inside out and licked the inside clean in a pathetic attempt to get a tiny bit more cocaine into his system. Shane and Claire are disgusted too, and Evie promises herself that she won’t spend anymore time with him. She’s done. 

After several reconciliation attempts, Dean realises that he must do something more drastic to get Evie back, because he refuses to lose after putting so much work into her already. He buys her an especially thoughtful birthday gift and shows up on her doorstep to give her a heartfelt apology that he doesn’t really mean, but it works. He says he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend, but that he fancies her, so he’d like if they could just spend some time together. What does Evie have to lose anyway? It’s not like other men are interested in her, and as much as she still loves Jude, she’s convinced that he feels nothing for her anymore. She might as well get some experience. 

Here begins the most difficult part of the story, as Evie begins to lie to those closest to her and withdraw from them so that she doesn’t have to admit that she’s dating a person that they all disapprove of. Through her isolation, Evie is more vulnerable to Dean now, who has begun to let the mask drop as his personal family situation has worsened. Evie gets the brunt of his bad moods now. 

Dean is frustrated in the library scene in 2.16 because he doesn't have the mental bandwidth to study, nor the education, nor the time. He takes this out on Evie who feels compelled to try and make him feel better through encouragement, which doesn’t work. He gets angry with her for daring to try and give him advice, because he doesn't respect her at all. She’s stupider than he is, stupid enough to date him, therefore her opinions are invalid. He’s also frustrated over Evie’s reluctance to sleep with him. He’s been waiting forever and she won’t let him do anything with her. She still hasn’t told him that she’s a virgin. 

He softens for a moment when he believes that she might relent to him in the library, but the moment she puts up a boundary he gets upset and picks a fight with her. They’ve likely had this argument several times now, but Evie is just not ready to have sex yet. He makes her promise to do it with him the following week when her house is free, and she agrees, mainly, as she reveals later, to just make him shut up about it. 

Obviously it goes badly - Evie is nervous and Dean is disappointed, but I’ve always felt like he had enough chances to understand that she’s not as ready or experienced as she says she is. As soon as she turns on the TV he really should have figured it out - I mean, he probably did but didn’t care. She won’t even look at him for fear of what might be set into motion, but Dean does his best to make her feel comfortable in the ways that he knows how. Another sign she’s not ready is when she turns off the light in the bedroom, and he has to ask her to turn it back on so that he can see her. Evie is naive, she doesn’t know how it goes, and perhaps is used to sex scenes on TV taking place in the dark. She also is horrified by the idea of being naked in front of him, but she does it anyway. Might as well get it over with. 

Of course, she’s not in it, and Dean can tell. He gets frustrated with her and leaves quickly after, giving her an excuse. Evie of course, detects immediately that something is wrong and blames herself for it. She reaches out to Claire for comfort but then quickly remembers that Claire isn’t supposed to know about this. She calls Jude, but doesn’t mention what’s just happened. 

  2.18 - 2.20 really are Evie’s darkest moments in the whole story. We see things reach a point of despair with Dean, whose thinly veiled respect for her has vanished by this point, as we see in the scene where he horribly berates her in the artist studio. Claire is upset to learn about her lies and leaves her to deal with everything on her own. By the time the summer comes, we know that Evie is drinking to excess, going out to nightclubs as often as possible and sleeping in until noon. The fact that Dean is just using her for the convenience of her apartment and her body is completely clear - and he’s ground her down to a point where she just lets him do whatever he wants to. He doesn’t even have to be nice to her first. 

Throughout these fraught moments with Dean, you can see that Evie is still trying to grasp at any semblances of interest he might have in her. She tries to ignore the horrible vibes and joke with him, start conversations, even gauge his interest in her weekend plans by bringing up Jen and Jude, but he doesn’t care. 

Readers often found the part in chapter 2.19 where he criticizes her untidy room to be pretty shocking, I think. He says that one day she’ll marry a man who’ll buy her a house, and he’ll think she’s ungrateful if she doesn’t keep it clean. I think this is a particularly horrible thing to say, because it implies he feels sorry for whoever that man is, and that he, Dean, will already have nothing to do with her by that point. She’s just a notch on his belt. He lets her know this fact in many different ways, but Evie doesn't really care anymore - it’s not like anyone else likes her like that. 

Of course, chapter 2.19 is also where Evie takes her anger out on Jude, who says he’s just trying to help (I’ll revisit this scene later!). I think that in some ways she blames him for what has happened to her, because if he had just loved her back then she never would have ended up with someone like Dean. She’s upset because Jen laughed at her for dating Dean, as though her life’s decisions are a joke, and when Jude laughs along it’s the final nail in the coffin. She tells him they cannot be friends, and isolates herself from the last people who really care about her. 

I revisited this period in Evie’s life a lot later on in 3.25 in that conversation in the cabin with Jude. The purpose of that was to create a sense of uncovering something repressed. Evie wasn’t truly ready to think about the things that were happening to her in part 2, and the only way she could deal with them was to dissociate. Things really were worse than she told herself they were, which is why Jude is so shocked at this moment. 

She mentions the constant partying, the drunken sex that she doesn’t remember, the insults thrown at her from Dean all of the time, and the ways that she ultimately came to believe what he was saying to her as he tore her already fragile self-esteem to shreds. I think it makes extra sense why she was so dead inside during the finale of part 2 with this additional context. 

The pool party chapter goes as it goes… we see the final stage of all of these toxic relationship dynamics. Evie is thrilled that Dean is being nice to her and kissing her in front of people, even though she knows that it’s only because he’s on MDMA. He blows up when she refuses to have sex with him in the gym and says she’s boring and stupid when she suggests having a conversation for once. He sneers at her and fails to defend her against Marnie’s passive aggression, and then eventually challenges her to do drugs with him, hoping that she won’t and that she’ll walk away feeling pathetic. 

But it’s not like she has anything to lose anymore, which is why she does it, or maybe she just has some hopeful idea that he might like her more once she’s tried it. Obviously, the relationship ends the way that it does when Evie learns that he’s been sleeping with her ‘friends’ alongside her, and that they’ve known about it the entire time. He’s also been complaining about her and sharing intimate details with others, including the fact that she was awkward in bed and never gave him head. Innocent, sheltered Evie (thanks Marian) is genuinely shocked. She never knew that people could really act in these ways, that someone could care so little about her that they would betray her like that. 

In the end, Dean doesn’t care anyway. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior, and in fact always saw her as fair-game because she was too naive to know any differently. His philosophy is that if a person is going to leave themselves open for manipulation, then they deserve everything that happens to them. He doesn’t see himself as the villain, he sees her as the fool. It’s her fault for developing feelings for him or expecting him to be genuine when he never claimed to be. I think this moment really illustrates the complete destruction of Evie’s worldview and innocence - she’ll never be the same trusting girl she used to be, because he’s ruined her. 

I think the worst thing about this moment is that he isn't even bothered enough to match her anger, and is calm for the duration of the conversation, like maybe he’s had it before, he’s done this to other girls. He sneers at her for her emotions and thinks of her as weak. When she asks him why he bothered to do this to her, he shrugs and admits that he likes that she was young. He just wanted to get his hands on her and see what it’d be like. After all of her dreams of finding the perfect man, all of the messages instilled in her in childhood, this is what she got. A guy who was attracted to her youth and inexperience, as it brought him excitement to be the one to ruin her. 

I do think they both lose here though, and they were both delusional in their own ways. Evie, for the reasons outlined already, but Dean because of his expectations of what dating Evie would actually be like. He becomes angry and frustrated to learn that she’s shy, awkward and self conscious in bed, and yet the sole reason he chose her is for that innocence. He wanted two opposing things all at once. A young, sexy woman who would allow herself to be guided and ‘taught’ by him, and yet he expected her to somehow know what to do. He’s furious, I guess, because porn doesn’t show this part. 

In the end though, it really does hurt her more than it hurts him. Evie will go through the rest of her life with these scars, allowing them to affect her future relationships and her confidence and love for herself, whereas Dean forgets all about it. What’s implied is that he was so frequently on drugs in part two that he really didn’t register a lot of what was happening. We see this is 3.24 when they run into one another for the last time in a bar, and his memories of the time are garbled. Perhaps he’s just pretending not to remember to save face, but I genuinely feel like he forgets. It’s the final slap in the face, because he’s left a permanent mark on her and he doesn’t even remember doing it. 

I guess the point is that that’s life, and the bad guys don’t always lose in the end. Evie must accept it and move on, changed forever.