#thisvastlove

[thisvastlove]

“What’s your favorite thing about him?” she asks me, expecting me to have to think about it and put together an answer that someone would want to hear. But I don’t think about it, the second the words leave her lips I know my answer. “His heart. He wears it on his sleeve, even after everything he’s been through. After all of the heartbreak and pain he’s experienced you would expect him to be protective over that fragile heart of his. But he’s not, he doesn’t guard it, he doesn’t build any walls. He’s vulnerable, he’s an open book. He loves the way that everyone should love, the way everyone dreams of being loved. With his whole heart, mind, and body. He loves until he can’t, and then he does again.”

- When he says he loves you, he means it. // Am Excerpt From A Book I’ll Never Write #36

[thisvastlove]

“He knows. Of course he knows. Anyone within a 5 mile radius knows. I’m in love with him. I’m in love with the way he talks so confidently and how he walks like he’s ready to conquer the world. I’m in love with the crease between his eyebrows that appears when he’s worried. I’m in love with the way he will always finish his coffee, even if it takes all day. I’m in love with the evergreen forest in his eyes and the safety of his arms. I’m in love with his antique camera collection and the books he’s read six times. I’m in love everything about him. I love him, and he knows. And he knows that I know that he knows. But he’ll never get my confession. He’ll never hear how I feel out loud. Because he has everything and I have nothing. He has my heart and my mind and my dreams, and I have nothing of his. So I’ll hold onto the confession, I’ll hold onto the words fighting to leave my lips. I won’t give him the power to not love me back.”

- An Excerpt From A Book I’ll Never Write #38

[thisvastlove]

No, no you didn't break my heart. You ripped it out of my chest. You tore me open and watched as the blood poured out. You took my heart in your hands and crushed it. You stomped on it, burned it, carved your name into it with your fingers. You did not break my heart. You killed me. And you didn't even have to try.

- you took my heart with you when you left and i'm not sure if i'm ever getting it back

[thisvastlove]

I don’t hate you. I could never hate you, not in a million years. You meant the world to me, you still do. You were my best friend and I trusted you with my life and I didn’t want that to change. And so, when you left, it killed a part of me. I know you had all the right reasons and you never meant to hurt me, but it was easier to be angry and to blame you than to accept that in life, people don’t always stay, even if they want to. But now, now that you’re standing in front of me and your heart is as warm as I remember and you’re holding me as tight as you used you, I’ve decided to let you go, and to remember only the best of you. I’ll remember you by the sound of your laugh at 1 am when we’re climbing out of your window. I’ll remember you by the smell of your perfume when we would meet for coffee after school. I’ll remember you by the braids in your hair and the smile you wore so effortlessly. I’ll remember you by feeling my heart beat, and knowing that at some point it time it beat only for you.

An Excerpt From A Book I’ll Never Write #34

[thisvastlove]

You weren’t just my lover. You weren’t just the person I would wake up with in the morning. You were my soul mate. You were my best friend. You were there for me when I was on top of the world and you were there when I came crashing down. You were my confidant, only your mind knew my biggest fears and my deepest thoughts. Only your ears heard my raspy voice screaming the lyrics to my favorite songs at midnight under the stars. Only your lips felt my smile against your own. You were my best friend and my greatest love all at once. But now that you’re gone, I’m left with neither of those things. And so I’m sitting here alone with a broken heart and tears streaming down my face. Because when a girls heart is breaking she needs her best friend, but my best friend is you.

friends. // An Excerpt From A Book I’ll Never Write #35

[thisvastlove]

"You're intelligent and brave and beautiful and strong and I am so proud of you. And I'm not saying this because I pity you or because I think by saying this I will somehow be earning some good karma in the future. I'm not saying this in hopes that it will make you fall madly in love with me or to make you think highly of me. I'm saying this because it's true and because you deserve to know. I'm saying this because you look in the mirror and see someone who's broken, who's defeated, who's ugly and weak. But I look at you and I see someone who has walked through hell and back and is still somehow one of the strongest people I know. I see someone who can somehow make everything seem okay just by smiling. I'm saying this because you've spent your whole life putting people back together, wondering who will do the same for you. I'm saying this because you don't need to be put back together. Because the you that I know has a heart the size of the sun and a mind as bright as it, and that should never be changed."

- Incase you haven't heard it today, I love you and I'm proud of you.

[thisvastlove]

That's how it starts. You notice the little things changing, the days seem longer, the nights seem quieter, you're having more bad days then usual. At first you just brush it off, you come up with excuses. Mercury is in retrograde, we entered a parallel universe, you're pms-ing, the list goes on. But then when you're out with all of your friends you notice that you didn't laugh as hard as you usually do. And when the boy with the bright smile in your math class looks at you, you're heart doesn't skip a beat. You know something is changing. You know, but you pretend not to. Because you don't want to admit that it's happening to you. Not me, you think, I'm fine. You don't want to admit that you're not okay. That you feel like you're drowning, and every time you come close to the surface you're just pushed deeper. And so you get up in the morning, you get dressed, and you do everything you can to make sure everyone thinks you're okay. You make sure no one knows that you stayed up until 2 am last night, staring at the ceiling. You make sure no one knows that you constantly wonder how many of the sleeping pills in the drawer on your nightstand you'd have to take for you to black out. And you keep covering every ounce of pain, of numbness, of loneliness with a smile because you couldn't stand to be a burden to the people around you. And then when it becomes too much you write some stupid fucking poem like this hoping someone will finally realize that you're not okay, and you haven't been for a while.

- you don't have to read in between the lines for this one.

[thisvastlove]

I am so tired of this generations mentality of what is 'cool' and 'hot' and 'attractive'. The kids living in the world right now are so hung up on the idea that being heartless and cold and empty makes them appealing. These kids lock their hearts up behind bars and smoke laced marijuana and stay up until 2 am writing on their blogs about how shitty the world is. Well I say fuck that. Fuck pretending that you don't care, fuck cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend because you simply 'don't give a shit', fuck letting people go just because they might break your heart. There is nothing attractive about a stone cold soul who believes that the world is doomed and that they're destined to fail. I need someone with passion. Someone with bright eyes and endless hope and a heart that has been broken a thousand times but they're okay. I need someone who will hold onto me so tight, someone who will dance with me at midnight, and laugh so hard that we almost puke. We all go through shit in life, but that doesn't mean we have to shut down and build up our walls. Put down your armor and let yourself live. Feel things entirely, be vulnerable, let your emotions consume you. Stop using your bones as a cage, set your heart free.

- stone cold // An Excerpt From A Book I'll Never Write #32