Vaincre
give me no compasses give me no signs
Thomas had found it when he wasn’t looking for it. He found a lot of things when he wasn’t looking. He’d found Noelle that way, hadn’t he? Just…watched her walk into family skate next to Logan—still in his sad-green days—and found her. Or, she had found him? That sounded more correct. He’d brought her a piece of Celeste’s chocolate cake. Sat down. Remus—still in his quarter-zip and khaki days—had laughed at him. God, don’t think I’ve ever seen you nervous, T.
And Thomas had been. Because that was what happened when something snuck up on you. Even pretty girls could spook as much as they thrilled. Heart hammering until she’d smiled at him and—why don’t you grab yourself a fork, Walker?
And then they’d gotten out onto the ice and she’d won every damn face-off, and her hands—
“Anyway.” Thomas smiled when that got laughs from the crowd. Noelle had one hand over her face and Logan was turned fully around in his seat to laugh at her blush. “I promise this has something to do with my Remus-story.” Thomas glanced at Remus, glad to find him smiling, and then to Sirius beside him, just because it was habit and instinct.
“Noelle found me when I was entirely distracted by a certain someone taking over our ice for the first time,” Thomas said, then pointed right at Finn, who was already shaking his head, arms crossed. “Anyone here not know the story of the time Loops dangled Harzy so bad he fell clean over?”
Finn threw his hands up, Leo laughing. Finn threw a hand at Kasey. “And beat the Blizzard! No one ever includes that.”
“I don’t deny it,” Kasey called back.
“Well, Loops,” Thomas said into the microphone, eyes on Remus. “Didn’t I promise to stir up some rehearsal dinner chaos?”
~
But Thomas found other things while not looking. He’d found the photograph that way. Mostly, he’d been curious. Remus on the ice had made him curious. Maybe he and Remus had crossed paths at college. Maybe they’d been this close to sharing the ice. Sharing a thousand shifts.
Remus Lupin ice hockey got him a lot of dead links. Which, no, that wasn’t what he’d wanted. He’d wanted team photographs. A bio. Statistics. But here was an interesting find anyway.
He didn’t know if Remus had looked. Didn’t know if he was allowed to bring it up—especially not then. Remus hadn’t even been on the team yet. It’d still been more colleague than friend between them.
But now they did share the ice. And Thomas had done his best to hold steady while Remus’ entire life changed beneath his feet, and he would speak at his wedding, and, right now, he was watching Remus and Leo, both wearing hockey helmets, sing a song Thomas wished he knew, if only to sing along.
And for some reason, against the drinks making him buzz pleasantly, and the arm Noelle had around his waist, all Thomas could think about were dead links and the sheer lack of photographs, and—Fenrir Greyback. The way that man sounded on the ice, the cruel, spitting whine of him.
Noelle’s hand came up to rub at his chest, the way it always did when—well, she just knew him, didn’t she? Didn’t have to search at all.
“What’s up, coeur?” She said beneath the music. She didn’t look concerned, exactly, broke long enough for a smile when Leo tried to hit a high note, but her hand remained, thumbs swiping gently over the fabric of his t-shirt. “You look a little…contemplative? For karaoke.”
He could tell her. Right now, he could tell her. Talk it all out to her. Explain why his throat felt so tight every time he so much as looked at the speech he’d written. Thomas felt like he’d overcome quite a few odds in this small game of theirs. And Remus? No, it wasn’t as if he’d done it alone, having Sirius Black in your corner helped. But Remus had all but rewritten his odds. And he was still doing it.
“I’m good,” Thomas said. Thomas tucked his fingers snug against Noelle’s waist. Remus looked at him from the stage—exactly then. Bright eyes, hair pushed back, arm around Leo’s waist as they sang some part together, completely off-beat because they were laughing too hard. It made Thomas laugh.
The surprising things about Remus Lupin—and this he’d put in his speech. The surprising thing about Remus Lupin was that he really could just…make you forget you were in pain. At least, he could dull it. Bruised ribs. Puck-split lip. Thomas looked down at Noelle. A little heart-sick over wanting your teammate’s older sister.
Didn’t mean Thomas could forget Remus’, though. Dead links and that scar on his shoulder that caught the light every day in the dressing room. Guys asked. Guys who didn’t really know. Not the most uncommon thing, to ask after scars. And Remus was good. Bright smile, throw-away laugh and a shrug. Sirius was not to good. Tight eyes and a firm look to the guy asking that would have had even James with his hands up and tail between his legs. It’d made Thomas go back and check, just once. Dead links. One team photograph. Kind of blurry, actually. Remus and Fenrir, though, dead center. Grinning.
On stage, Remus tilted his head at him, still smiling into his microphone. Thomas smiled a bit back. There it is. Remus Lupin: A couple drinks in, music blaring, and wondering if Thomas was all right.
“I’m good.” He dropped a kiss to Noelle’s temple. “Never heard anyone sing this song like this, is all.”
Noelle laughed. “Ouais, sounds right.” She turned into him, reaching up to lace her fingers at the back of his neck. Gorgeous like this, is what Thomas thought. And they had a whole summer.
He pressed her hair away from her face with soft hands. “Hey—whole summer.”
“Whole summer,” Noelle nodded. She tilted her chin up, hardly even asking before Thomas ducked to kiss her.
She was smiling by the time he pulled back.
“You know…” Noelle reached up and pressed a thumb over his bottom lip. He’d seen her mom do that to her dad more than once. Sweet, how it carried over. “We’re at Sirius fucking Black’s wedding. Well, almost.”
“That, we are.”
“I really do like weddings.”
If he could love her more, right then, he would’ve. Well, no—he could always, always love her more. A hundred times over. Especially when she scrunched her nose at him and laughed.
“Oh, yeah, Christmas.” Thomas squeezed her hips. “I’m keeping that in mind, don’t you worry.”
•
“Crowds aren’t always my thing,” Kasey said, and the tables laughed. Alex had a hand half over his mouth, grinning. He’d nodded when Kasey said that, but it wavered into something more of an unsure gesture. Always thinking the best of him, Kasey guessed. How he always got away with that, Kasey didn’t know. He cleared his throat and looked down at his shoes. Gift from Alex. Scuffed at the toes. “But I really love these guys, so, hey.”
Natalie had her fingers in Alex’s hair, and Kasey watched as she leaned her head on his shoulder. Beautiful night. If he had to give a speech—and he did want to, it just wasn’t like his heart was calm, exactly, in his chest—at least there was a warm breeze and the lingering smell of sun, sand, and firewood. At least he wasn’t so much on a stage as he was just standing in front of Sirius and Remus. In front of the family they shared. And what more was a good locker room than that? Leo was leaning forward in his seat with that massive rookie-smile on his face. Kasey used to wonder when he was going to stop looking at him like that. There was really nothing awe-inspiring about him. Except maybe his capacity for hurting himself—in all the ways.
Now, after it all, the final game and the final unbuckling of the pads, he sort of hoped Leo never stopped looking at him like that.
Kasey cleared his throat. “I think I’m speaking for any of the players here, any of my teammates—guess we have some Rangers here, too. For some reason.” He glanced at Logan. “Hey, that got me a good old, vintage Tremblay glare.”
Laughs. He was doing fine.
“I speak for everyone when I say that Remus Lupin saved our asses more times than we can count.”
“Damn right,” Thomas called out. Noelle shushed him, but not really. He appreciated the microphone squeaking a bit, bringing on the loud ha that was Alex’s and Alex’s alone. He glanced over to see that Natalie had a hand over his mouth. Kasey knew exactly what she was whispering to him. You’re so loud.
“Yeah.” Kasey rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. Snuck a glance at Remus. “He’s been saving me for a long time. Or, I guess I’d been having problems for a long time. I would just—spiral. Like, you wouldn’t believe—yeah, I see you nodding, Lupin.”
Remus waved him off, smile closed-lipped and eyes a little bright. They’d spent so much time together now that Kasey could say it wasn’t just Remus who had seen him fight tears—or, really, lose the fight to them. It went both ways now.
“When you’re hurt,” Kasey said, “and it keeps coming back. It’s just this looming…thing. Like someone standing behind you, waiting to strike again.”
Sirius’ arm went around Remus’ back, thumb rubbing soft circles over his shoulder.
“It’s really easy to feel out of control. Scary easy. And then nothing in life feels like it’s even yours. Just things that are happening to you. Which is a terrible feeling.”
That was too much. Jesus, how depressing was that? What was he even saying? But also Sirius Black was sitting there, nodding like he understood. So. Kasey couldn’t be all wrong.
“I am—um. God, I promise this speech isn’t about me.” More laughs. He gave them a smile in return. “I’m retired. I retired. I think people know that, sorry, it’s all right, though. Left y’all in good hands.” He waved a hand at Leo. “Sunshine face.”
Leo tilted his head back and laughed.
“God, here’s what I’m…trying to say.” Kasey realized he’d started walking back and forth a little and stopped. Looked at Remus, because looking to Remus had always been the most steadying thing in the room. Especially when Natalie hadn’t been there. When Alex had been in another city, and they hadn’t patched things up exactly, but he’d known Natalie, Natalie had known him, and they’d got on like fire and fucking wood, and Kasey’s thigh ached, tearing slowly apart, and his heart ached, one half in each of their hands. And Remus had just seemed to know. That sometimes those aches got so tangled up, it was hard to tell the difference.
“It takes a pretty incredible person to make you feel like you can just…be easy with them. Laugh and hang out the same day you maybe lost it a little bit earlier in their office. No embarrassment. No questions asked—except the pain scale ones. Jesus, Lupin, how do you always know when we’re lying?”
Remus was definitely crying a little now. The tears were thick in his laugh and it brought a tightness to Kasey’s throat, too, oh God.
“I got the big dream when I thought I would,” Kasey said. He gestured to the team. “This dream we all have. Even if it ended early, I got it. And you got yours, finally and long overdue. And after everything you did for me—hours, fucking hours of just…” He glanced at Julian, spitting image of Remus, and wondered briefly if he should swear. But fuck it, that kid should hear this. All of this. “Hours of just working with me, talking me out of my own head…” Yeah, Kasey was going to cry, but he fought through the words. “Loops, I got to play behind you, I got to watch you find Cap, and I just—couldn’t have asked for anything more for you. And you deserve absolutely everything.”
~
The idea of karaoke had sent everyone inside wondering what to wear, but Kasey was fine in his sweatshirt and shorts, so.
He stayed by the Lupins’ fire pit. Thought about what it’d be like to give his speech in a few days time and tried not to get nervous about it.
He’d been thinking a lot about Florida, actually. Which had nothing to do with his speech. And everything, actually. That roadie, and then the world stopping in Gryffindor’s airport. He was sure Florida meant a thousand different things to Remus and Sirius now, but Florida would always mean Alex for Kasey. Maybe even especially now.
He used to just—forget, really. What to do with himself when he was in the same city as Alex. Playing there and being in the sunshine was probably very relaxing for everyone else. Must have been nice.
He used to stare up at the ceiling when he should have been napping. Should’ve been enjoying the warm weather. Should’ve found an open rooftop and had dinner. Night swim in the steam-curled outdoor pool?
Kasey watched the embers ebb and wane with the slight breeze and thought about last season. Thought about all the boys planning that beach day. Watching the visitor’s locker room after a morning skate and seeing that everything was just a little different. Logan had been somber, but Remus—Remus had had some sort of…new lightness to him.
Grinning more than usual maybe? It’d been hard to tell because—well. All Kasey had seemed to be able to do was wait for dark red hair and brown eyes to appear around every corner. (Last year had maybe been the peak of Finn making Kasey jump. Caught out of the corner of his eye, he was a ghost).
(Now Kasey was pulling Alex’s chair closer around campfires, but still).
Still. He thought about Florida. About thinking about New York in Florida. Thigh burning while he tried to sleep and heart tight at the thought of airport kisses, and the way city lights blurred through rainy New York cab windows. One night—a final night, so it would turn out—of tracing marble pale skin with his mouth. Never thought of such a bustling city as a hometown before but, back in New York, with Alex, it had felt like one. Somehow.
And he thought about that roadie, where he’d only just secured a towel around his waist, wiping the mirror clear of steam when a knock on his door had muffled its way through the room.
Dumo, maybe, about dinner, or Finn and Logan.
Another round of knocking, two fists on the door, a mess of it. Finn and Logan, then.
“Coming,” Kasey remembered calling. And something about calming down, and then the knocking not stopping, if anything it had just picked up its pace. Sharp taps that formed some sort of pattern, bum-bum-ba-bum. It’d had Kasey rolling his eyes and yanking open his hotel room door.
“Jesus, guys, I’m—”
Not Finn and Logan. Kasey wasn’t sure what he’d felt, actually, opening that door. Cold from the hallway’s AC or warm all over from—
“Alex,” he’d said. Because, yeah—Alex. Standing in the hallway with a big O’Hara grin on his face—hard to look at when Finn did it—and wearing navy shorts and a white t-shirt. Stupid tan boat shoes and no socks. God.
“Hi, Winter.”
Kasey had just stared at him. Too much. From just thinking, worrying, wondering about seeing him, to all of Alex—right here. Kasey’s remembered clutching the band of his towel, low on his hips. He’d thought he’d be waving Finn and Logan off to let him get ready, not standing in front of…
“What are you—Hi.” Kasey glanced down the hallway. The purely Lions-filled hallway. “What…”
Alex had made a big show of frowning, like he’d forgotten why he was there. Tapped the pockets of his shorts like he’d lost something before slipping his hands inside, nice and easy. Like seeing Kasey didn’t affect him at all.
In the fire pit in front of Kasey, the charred wood shifted down, sending sparks up.
In the memory, Alex leaned against the doorway. “I mean…pretty sure I’m about to take you to dinner. So.”
Kasey had some type of stone ruin in his chest, Alex’s, that crumbled just a little more at the way he talked.
Alex’s eyes flicked down to his waist, the towel’s fragile tie around Kasey’s hips. “Is that what you’re wearing?” That stupid poke of his tongue in the corner of his mouth as he smiled. “Damn. Now I feel overdressed.”
“Those shoes are stupid.”
“Thank you.”
The memory tangled after that. Kasey felt his eyes unfocus, the fire just a blur of color and light. He touched his mouth. Not that Alex had kissed him that night. But he’d… He’d asked after Natalie. Does she miss me? Yes, was the answer. There’d been one night, a summer one, where he and Natalie had gone to New York. They were meant to see Alex once. Just dinner. Kasey hadn’t known what the fuck his problem was, wanting two people, and he certainly hadn’t been able to read that same problem all over Nat yet. So, one dinner. A start and an end. Just to see him. Just to watch the way Alex was.
But this was Alex O’Hara. This was Natalie Darcy. And Kasey could have watched them make each other laugh forever. Natalie putting her hand on his thigh, Alex’s arm stretched behind Kasey in a booth. So dinner had turned into bars after. Bars after, brunch the next morning. Brunch the next morning, a second late night dinner. Late dinner, Alex walking them to their hotel, drinks in the bar. Drinks in the bar…Alex had left for his own apartment. His own bed. Barely, maybe, yes, maybe there had been a few tight moments of barely, but he had. Kasey using the bathroom in the hotel lobby, picturing Alex coming upstairs with them for so long that someone had had to knock on the door twice. Alex standing up—he’d slid right next to Natalie while Kasey had been gone, of course he had—to let him back into his seat and asking, teasing, fall in?
Yeah. Fell into something, for sure. Falling into whatever the hell this was.
Their hotel room door had shut and he and Natalie had just stood there inside, looking at each other. Natalie in that sheer green dress she loved. No bra. It’d been a humid night, but her breasts—well, cold hotel room. Kasey felt like he could see every curve of her.
“Kase…” she’d whispered. She’d pressed a hand low on her own hips, the other squeezing his shoulder. “Kasey.”
Kasey had pressed her right up against the door with a kiss, one she laughed into as her hands making the buckle of his jeans clink against the pull-down zing of his zipper. She’d put one leg around his waist until he could sink into the soaked warmth of her—all for the love of Alex fucking O’Hara. With his brown, candlelight eyes. It had been fast, a little frantic, Kasey making Natalie come against the door. She’d straddled his hips on the bed, then, dress rucked up. She’d let the straps off her arms so the silk pooled below her breasts. Kasey let his warm hands span her waist and she’d looked at him through their haze, hand between them, guiding his cock back into her. Rode him until the turn-down service was a mess, and with nothing but the lights of Alex’s city to wash all over them.
God, he was knotted up in the memories. New York—all of that two summers ago in New York, and then Florida, Alex showing up at his door, dinner, and then laying in bed afterwards, alone. Didn’t matter that he felt like a live wire at the image of Alex and the way he brushed his knuckles against his mouth when he smiled. Alex fucking O’Hara, how’s Nat, she miss me? Got him half-hard in the middle of some stupid open-air patio restaurant, just by looking at him.
Rough game, Florida. Rough time in general, of course. Calm before the storm, really. And still, Kasey’d never forget asking Remus, while he was taping up his thigh, if something was different. You seem happy, Kasey had said, if only because, with his own heart so heavy in his ribs, Remus’ lightness had glowed bright like a sun. Remus had smiled at him. Really smiled, even with warm hands trying to loosen the stubborn muscles of Kasey’s leg. Yeah, Bliz, thanks. I…I think I really am.
The wind changed direction. Smoke in Kasey’s face, and arms coming from behind, cheek pressing against his.
“Found you,” Alex whispered into his skin, then bit soundly at his jaw.
One corner of Kasey’s mouth lifted. “Yeah, you did.”
“You gonna sing a song with me?” Alex asked. He smelled like burnt sugar and lake water. Reminded Kasey of the Hampton House. Where everything clicked together. Of course—until he’d almost ruined everything by thinking too hard. By thinking too hard and with a diamond ring. The usual.
Kasey brought his hand up to hold Alex’s wrists where they were clasped over his chest.
“Come on.” Alex pressed the words into his skin. “Or Nat and I will sing at you.”
“Is that a threat? Because it’s not one.”
Alex just pressed his face into Kasey’s neck. Kasey closed his eyes.
“You’re sitting out here all alone,” Alex whispered.
Kasey knew that. He reached back to put a hand on the back of Alex’s neck, thumb tracing until he could feel the chain of his diamond. “I’m thinking about you.”
“Oh.” Kasey felt Alex’s body tense against him. Not in a bad way. Just thinking. “Well, then I guess I can leave you to it.”
Kasey gave the chain a light yank. “Those stupid shoes you used to have.”
“Oh.” Came out in three syllables through Alex’s laugh. “I brought those—”
“No, no, no.”
Alex released him, pushing himself upright off of Kasey’s shoulders. “Let me just go—”
But Kasey had already pushed himself up, too. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to catch Alex, even with the way he was jogging backwards towards the cars. Maybe Alex slowed down a lot so that Kasey could snag him, arm thrown around his shoulders. Alex put his arm around Kasey’s waist, grinning. Kasey couldn’t look at him for too long, he’d get some sort of stupid look on his face.
“You don’t have to worry about your speech,” Alex said as they stopped just shy of the porch steps. Kasey could hear the others inside, yelling to each other. James’ voice above the others.
And, yeah, Kasey was worried. But he worried about almost everything. But right now Alex’s hair was still messy from swimming earlier and he’d gotten too much sun on the bridge of his nose, the tops of his cheeks. And he was still, just—God, he still had the look of winning on him. Every part of him built up and pressing against the t-shirt he was wearing. Kasey didn’t think too much about it before he reached forward and pressed a thumb down from the center of his chest—right where the diamond lay beneath the fabric—and followed the strong line of his stomach all the way down to the tie of his shorts.
When he flicked his eyes back up, Alex was staring at him, eyebrows raised.
“Well.” Alex cleared his throat. “Hi.”
Fine. Kasey would let the stupid expression go all over him, if only to see the way, when he smiled, Alex’s eyes lit up, too.
“Stupid shoes,” Kasey said quietly.
“Hm,” Alex said.
“Oh, come on. Allez, allez—” Logan banged out of the screen door. His sweatshirt was gone, replaced by a dark green button-down that Kasey had basically come to think of as his time-to-drive-Finn-nuts shirt. Fine, maybe Leo called it that. Not you, too? Kasey had asked him. Leo had just smiled. He wears the grey one for me.
Logan frowned down at Kasey from the top step. “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Alex snorted. “Oh, oh okay, mister I-owned-ten-versions-of-the same-t-shirt-for-most-of-my-life.”
Kasey put his hands in his pockets and nodded to the grassy ground in front of him. “Why don’t you come down here and say that again, Tremzy?”
Logan narrowed his eyes, jogging down to stand in front of Kasey. Kasey pushed up on his toes once, just for effect, and Logan shoved him. Kasey put both hands on his shoulders and gave him a shake. He’d missed him.
“We’re going to a bar,” Kasey said. Then, he flicked the space where Logan’s shirt was half undone. “Wouldn’t exactly call this wearing a shirt, frat boy.”
Logan just grinned. “Ouais.”
Alex groaned, turning with them to walk to the car. “You can’t just say ways to everything.”
“Ouais.”
Car doors slamming and radios turning on after that. Kasey found himself in a dark backseat with Alex’s face lit up by his phone, typing out a text.
Kasey didn’t think too hard, didn’t worry, when he brushed a gentle knuckle to Alex’s chin, got him to look up, and leaned over and pressed a kiss to his mouth. Logan was talking fast French in the driver’s seat, and Regulus was mumbling back from beside him. There might as well have been a dividing ocean in the leather seats between them. For all Kasey cared, it was deep brown eyes looking at him, and that was all there was.
“Let’s go have fun with everyone,” Kasey whispered, just for him, then leaned in, mouth brushing Alex’s ear, just to be sure, “but I want you tonight.”
Alex made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a cough, and let his head drop back against the seat.
“D’accord,” Logan said, shifting the car into drive. “Ready?”
“Yep,” Kasey said to him. Alex’s phone light timed out, going dark, and they grinned at one another in the new dark.
“Kasey fucking Winter,” Alex mouthed, then pressed a kiss to his fingertips and pressed them to Kasey’s mouth. “Yeah, Tremblay. We’re ready.”
