Horror movie of the night: Coming Soon So the thing about a movie title like this is that it's basically a complete ball to do a Google image search on, because no matter how many qualifiers I put on it I'm going to get a whole bunch of completely irrelevant results.
Yeah, like that. Anyway, the movie starts with a creepy old bitch holding children hostage in her home. The townspeople have various issues with this, most of them related to A: She's creepy, B: She's old, and C: She's a bitch, so they come in and dispense some good ol' fashioned mob justice--now, not that she doesn't deserve it, but this practically guarantees that she's gonna come back as a ghost, guys. Still, they beat her up, kick her in the neck, bounce her around like a basketball a few times, then string her up and call her names while she strangles to death. Oh, but wait! It's just a movie. Which is kind of a shame, since it's really difficult to not get invested right out of the bat and then it feels like this is some sort of rug getting pulled out of you, but whatever, it's still only ten minutes in, I can roll with it.
The actual plot is instead that it's a popular horror movie which is going to debut soon, and the workers are preparing for its debut. You have the dude who's getting strong-armed to make a bootleg by the Bollywood Mafia who I assume are not pleased with how few musical numbers there are, and the girl who works as a security guard and basically does nothing else but look hot. Unfortunately, because the dude saw it early, the (now very dead) creepy old bitch in the movie is now real and is stalking him--I guess MPAA is so pissed about pirating that now they're embedding ghosts in videos in order to kill people? That's some security measure, guys. At the very least, it's not like any court can fight against it. Judge: This case of Thailand Copyright Protection VS Thailand Cineplex, Cineplex seems to be suing the Copyright Protection industry. Can you lay out your case? Cineplex: Your honor, the Copyright Protection industry set a fucking ghost on us and everyone died. Copyright Protection: Your honor, contrary to what Cineplex states, we are not necromancers and have no power over death. Judge: Are you sure about that? Copyright Protection: Yes, your honor. Cineplex: I would like to present forth the case of "Williams, Adam Joe-Smith VS Fucking Aaaaa Oh God Oh Damn Oh God That's A Real Fucking Ghost", where denial of necromantic abilities is actually proof that one does indeed have necromantic abilities. Copyright Protection: Assuming we did erect a Satanic pentagram in the back and filled it with slaughtered animals and newborn in order to conjure the most pissed-off of ghosts to protect our intellectual property, which we didn't, why would we bind it to a movie of all things? Cineplex: Have you even seen The Ring? Copyright Protection: That's Japanese. Cineplex: CURSES Judge: The Court rules in favor of the Thailand Copyright Protection industry. Cineplex: CURSESSSSSS
It's not a movie full of scares, but it's definitely very creepy and incredibly tense. Unfortunately it suffers from the problem a lot of horror movies do--not only are the protagonists are complete idiots, but preventative scenarios are so ham-handedly addressed. Like, say, when you tell your buddy "Hey, I've got a cursed movie here", the obvious solution would be "well fucking get rid of it", right? Yeah, in here that doesn't work, the ghost spontaneously grows a pretty bullshit ability that not only would basically guarantee her victory but also never pops up again. I'm not expecting a complete dissertation on limits as to what or how ghost magic works, but seriously you have to be able to draw the line somewhere as to what they can or can't do. In this case the creepy dead old bitch can pretty much do everything except bring herself back from the dead, and our protagonists never really make any headway on either figuring out what her goals are, how to stop her, or even how to protect themselves. Still, this is a movie that can't keep its dick in its pants, and I mean that in a good way. Practically every minute of the movie is caked in tense nervousness, and while the plot is terribly unfulfilling the atmosphere is kind of like feeling a vice slowly lodging itself around your favorite testicle.
