#thought changing

[iamherrow]

Think about it.

So the Van Halen Belt is the absolute edge of our atmosphere. The air just stops. Making it an air bubble. We literally live in an airbuble. Like the world is suspended in an air bubble. How fucking cute is that! The one thing we love to poke and pop. Is what we literally are.

[rachaelseiderauthor]

Five Aspects of the Self: Learning to Value Myself

My therapist shared with me five aspects of the self to help me value myself. She said "we are not what we do and we will not value ourselves if we do not take care of ourselves." The five aspects of self-care are:

Emotional

Social

Physical

Spiritual

Intellectual

I have to drill them into my head and make progress on each of them. As my therapist and I discussed each aspect, we agreed that I am putting most of my self into Intellectual things. Therefore, I'm very lacking in the rest and there is little balance in my life. That is what hinders me from valuing myself even in the most positive of moods. As a result, my therapist and I discussed each area throughly. I found that they all somewhat connect. Maybe that is why self-care is so difficult. In turn, maybe that's why it is so hard for me to value myself.

As mentioned, my intelectual self is set. I do all my work, go to my classes, study, etc. I could perhaps use a job to put my intellect to use thought. Yet, all my focus on college and my intellectual self has caused me to neglect the four other selves. I don't exercise or eat healthy, so the physical self is denied. I don't hang out with people much and I am not meeting new people so the social self is nearly non-existent. And I am not spiritual because I don't really believe in anything that can't be proven. Not to mention I haven't even got a full grasp on what spirituality even is. As a result of all of this, my emotional needs are not being met other than through therapy, writing, and self-exploration.

To care for myself, I have to put a lot of thought and action into every one of the five selves. I made a huge list under each self in my diary that lasted for five pages (I'll break each one up in their own post at some point). And I have started to make small goals to complete each day as well. I've been doing decently especially under the social self where I have been reaching out to local clubs and asking my friends to join them when they hang out with their friends. I will go more in depth about all of this in further posts. For now, if you want to this to help you too, I would suggest going through each of these and figuring out how they can enrich your life.

[rachaelseiderauthor]

Strengths to end Obsessions

My therapist told me I should focus on my strengths to avoid obsessing over people and things. I reiterate my thoughts/scenarios a lot and they really get me nowhere at all. So, here is what's on my list so far. 

LGBTQ Advocacy

Hard Working

Caring

Photography

Photoshop

Honesty

Determined

Funny

Writing

Planning Events

Set in my ways (proud of who I am and my diet--pescetarian).

Playing piano

I have to admit coming up with just 12 things was not easy. It took me a good fifteen minutes. And surely there must be more which I am currently unable to recognize or admit.

What struck me the most is that I could not convince myself to put "nice" down. I use to know that I was nice. Now I'm not so sure. I use to be the girl who liked pretty much everyone and got along with almost anyone. Suddenly that changed. I guess in a way it's good because I was able to realize that people aren't always who you think. However, I've been doing an awful lot of talking behind peoples backs and I really am not proud of it. That's the exact think I used to be avidly against yet somehow now I find myself engaging in it. I feel awful about it but it's like I can't stop myself. Maybe my life is so boring I feel the need to complain about others to make it more interesting. Or maybe I just dislike myself so much that I want to find things wrong in other people too. Whatever it is, it just doesn't seem right to me. 

Aside from that, I can't remember the last time I did anything really nice for anyone. I mean, sometimes I say "Hi" to a passing stranger or hold the door open, but don't most people do that anyway? And one time I took a friend to the store for gas money, but was it wrong to ask for gas money even though I didn't have to go to the store? Maybe not. I don't know. I just feel like I should do something nice for someone. Like yesterday, my friend came with me to get the battery replaced in my car. I never had before so I was really unsure and she was there for support. So I feel like I should do something to repay her. Maybe I'll buy her something or take her somewhere. I think I would feel good if I did that and if she knew how thankful I am that she came and prevented me from freaking out completely. 

[rachaelseiderauthor]

Think of life as a maze. It's hard to get through but in the end it's worth it. Everything happens for a reason and we have to keep going through the maze to find those reasons.

A good friend of mine

[rachaelseiderauthor]

The Second Therapy Visit [Written 2/14/13]

I had my second therapy visit today. It again concentrated on getting me to think of things differently. One of the things was to employ a three step method: I feel, this is what I want to change, and feedback.

I feel (emotion) when (this happens) because...

I would like for (this to happen)

How do you (the person you're speaking to) feel about that?

That is a method that I will certainly work on. It should help conflict resolution go smoother. My therapist said this method works because it doesn't use "you" until the feedback stage. "You" triggers a defense response, so if you don't use it the listener won't get defensive. Also, when this method is used, the speaker becomes more mindful of what he or she is saying and may then naturally refrain from yelling. People do not like to listen to yelling so they usually don't. Then the conflict is left unresolved.

Unresolved conflicts build up. As they do, so do the anger and other emotions associated with them. My therapist told me all of that. She also described anger as being a glass full of water. When that glass is full all it takes is one drop of water for it to spill over. That means anger overload. So instead of simply reacting to the little thing that just happened, you react with all of your built up anger.

Right now, my glass of anger is pretty full. I have anger toward my brother for screwing up the family because he was drug addicted. I have anger toward my Dad for being computer-addicted, breaking things, and verbally abusing me (calling me a "fuck up" or telling me to "shut the fuck up"). I have anger toward my Mom from when she would not listen to me when I needed her and for denying me access to therapy (back then). I have anger for how my mother and brother reacted to my suicide attempt (I might make another post about this or just ask me if you want to know). I have anger toward them for so many things. So the minute they add a drop of water to my glass I usually flip out. Part of what I'm working on with my therapist is how to let go of that anger...how to empty my glass.

I have to use the three step method. I have to ask myself each time I get angry what I want the angry to accomplish. I have to get answers or apologies from my family. And from now on I have to resolve conflicts as they arise rather than letting them fill my glass. And I need to stop blaming myself for everything...to stop thinking I am a fuck up because that was my Dad's mistake. The way everyone treated me were their mistakes. All of this will take practice and my journey won't be easy but it will be worth it. Once I tackle these things I feel that a lot of my other problems will take care of themselves (feeling unwanted, like a problem, etc.) I can do this. I will do this. And I am doing it for me.