The Second Therapy Visit [Written 2/14/13]
I had my second therapy visit today. It again concentrated on getting me to think of things differently. One of the things was to employ a three step method: I feel, this is what I want to change, and feedback.
I feel (emotion) when (this happens) because...
I would like for (this to happen)
How do you (the person you're speaking to) feel about that?
That is a method that I will certainly work on. It should help conflict resolution go smoother. My therapist said this method works because it doesn't use "you" until the feedback stage. "You" triggers a defense response, so if you don't use it the listener won't get defensive. Also, when this method is used, the speaker becomes more mindful of what he or she is saying and may then naturally refrain from yelling. People do not like to listen to yelling so they usually don't. Then the conflict is left unresolved.
Unresolved conflicts build up. As they do, so do the anger and other emotions associated with them. My therapist told me all of that. She also described anger as being a glass full of water. When that glass is full all it takes is one drop of water for it to spill over. That means anger overload. So instead of simply reacting to the little thing that just happened, you react with all of your built up anger.
Right now, my glass of anger is pretty full. I have anger toward my brother for screwing up the family because he was drug addicted. I have anger toward my Dad for being computer-addicted, breaking things, and verbally abusing me (calling me a "fuck up" or telling me to "shut the fuck up"). I have anger toward my Mom from when she would not listen to me when I needed her and for denying me access to therapy (back then). I have anger for how my mother and brother reacted to my suicide attempt (I might make another post about this or just ask me if you want to know). I have anger toward them for so many things. So the minute they add a drop of water to my glass I usually flip out. Part of what I'm working on with my therapist is how to let go of that anger...how to empty my glass.
I have to use the three step method. I have to ask myself each time I get angry what I want the angry to accomplish. I have to get answers or apologies from my family. And from now on I have to resolve conflicts as they arise rather than letting them fill my glass. And I need to stop blaming myself for everything...to stop thinking I am a fuck up because that was my Dad's mistake. The way everyone treated me were their mistakes. All of this will take practice and my journey won't be easy but it will be worth it. Once I tackle these things I feel that a lot of my other problems will take care of themselves (feeling unwanted, like a problem, etc.) I can do this. I will do this. And I am doing it for me.