#thoughtbarf

[asexualbert]

Fuck high school.

[asexualbert]

Do you ever look at things and just like... Aggressively fan?

[theultimatebasketcase]

Let The Good Vibes In.

A few days ago, the new year of 2013 has just begun. In a matter of days, I'll be graduating. I can now rightfully call myself a (yet to be licensed) doctor. I haven't been posting my thoughts for the past few months. I blame it on my hectic lifestyle and writer's block. But here I am now letting my thoughts translate from my mind to cyberspace.

I've been heartbroken recently. Twice. One for the good guy that was a few floors above my unit. You see, I have this "disease" of falling in love with someone in my social circle. Funny thing is for the first time, I didn't like this guy initially because of looks. Typically, I'd go for someone who's chinito, fair-skinned outgoing. (Segway: While rotating outside UERM, it was then I realized that I used to be attracted to the male version of myself). This guy was tall, dark-skinned and a homebody. We met some time in September or October? I was then a neophyte applying for the sorority I currently serve as a secretary. I was waiting for the elevator car to stop at my floor. He was in it. I just ignored him though I noted that he studies in the same school as I do.

"Gusto mo sumabay papuntang school?"

*I looked at him and saw the pin of our co-frat and decided it was safe to hitch with this stranger*

"Sige."

That was the start of how he came into my life.

I hope I don't sound creepy.

I kept denying to myself that this guy is awesome. For 3 months, I never admitted to myself that I started to feel something already. It just burst out in the open after I started my internship at school. The Gryffindor Tower brotherhood all went to Lucena for the 2012 Pahiyas Festival. I was left behind because I was on duty the day they left. A few days after they came back to Manila, I set up a food trip for us at a good burger joint in Makati. Well, most of them came. The moment I saw him walking towards my car, dressed in a basketball jersey and fugly basketball shorts, I knew that my heart went on overdrive. It was not his best appearance but it did not matter. I knew that there was something special about this guy. I just cannot believe that it took me this long to recognize it out in the open.

I knew that this guy was guarded. He had so many walls up like me. This did not deter me from trying to break them down. I was too blinded to realize that we had differences that I guess we cannot reconcile. Some days I realize that I was putting too much effort on making us 'click' that the real me is buried somewhere underneath that. I call that Blow #1.

"I'm not looking for anything serious right now. We should be pro-active in meeting the opposite sex." Those words came escaping from his mouth when we had a nightcap while waiting for my car at the carwash. Sure. I knew that he came from a traumatic relationship and that at times, they still call each other. You can't blame him. Their relationship lasted for years. I patiently waited.

The next thing I knew, all my brods were all deep in girl trouble. One of them decided to invite me to their boys' night out which consisted of us going to a club and getting wasted. I wasn't drunk enough to enjoy it that much. All I did was watch them talk and flirt with a girl they fancied while I stand there like a moron regretting going with them. I should have stayed at home.

Next thing I know, he's going out with the girl. He's going out of his way to be with her. Game over. Friend zoned yet again. When will I learn? When will I get my chance?

I've been going out and partying to cover up this crack in my heart. It didn't burst to a million pieces but it hurt. Not as extensively as "What Might Have Been" but painful enough to make me splurge and spoil myself as I please. Well, I can't blame him. I don't think my presence was that remarkable to deserve crossing that line. That is heartbreak number one.

Heartbreak number two was less harsh. It just consisted of a split-second heartache for that "What Might Have Been" that I saw last month during our annual block get-together. He's been taking care of himself and looking better. I know that whenever I see him, I'll always remember how he "cheated" on me. That's something I've been trying to let go of. Slowly.. but surely.. I'll get there eventually.

So I wanna let the good vibes in however I can. For this year, I only have one resolution: to take care of my appearance. For a long time, I've been one not to take care of myself physically because of my mindset that being unpresentable weeds out superficial people. It was only then that I realized that at some point, I too, am initially superficial.

I haven't really recognized this as another resolution but I want to be more positive, to have a lighter aura, a better vibe. I don't hate 2012. I'm glad it happened. I'm just looking forward that this year will be a year of good karma for me, in all aspects of my life. I hope that this year is going to be a bigger, better year for me. 2012 was good and I'm looking foward to this better 2013. :)

[lilbonobon]

I am sick.

Sick of the people who said they wouldn't do anything to hurt you but ended up doing it anyways because they didn't have the capacity to say 'no'.

Sick of the people who lied and pretended that they didn't know how you felt when they were the ones initiating the distance.

Sick of myself for showing emotions and having any thoughts about this at all.

All of it doesn't matter.

It shouldn't.

[lilbonobon]

[Conversation from yesterday that I suddenly remembered]

Certain Californian: Why is it that always when you smack me, you hurt yourself?

Certain New Jersey Girl: Whenever I tried to punch someone, I always ended up being hurt. Did I tell you that when I punched someone back home, I broke my pinky?

Certain Californian: Haha. Well, if you want to learn how to punch people, ask Linh.

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: //thought

Me: Well why don't I punch your face.