#thoughtspill

[thoughtspiller]

Will I Ever? – A Monologue from the Heart

A monologue I wrote for the one I haven’t met yet. For anyone who’s ever wondered if they’ll be seen, loved, and accepted—as they are.

Sometimes… I wonder… How will I ever meet the love of my life?

Will I… ever?

What if I meet him online— where screens try to reflect who I am, but never quite capture it all?

Maybe it won’t happen… but I still dream.

What if I meet him one day— not in a fairytale moment… but in real life, in something simple, quiet, honest?

He will see me. The unfiltered version. No mascara, no framed selfies, no practiced angles.

Just me.

Will he still fall in love?

Will he see the girl who loves too deeply, laughs when nervous, overthinks in silence?

Will he like the softness I carry? The stories I’ve hidden in my chest?

Will he feel at home with me— even when I don’t know how to speak what my heart feels?

Will he stay through the mood swings, the healing wounds, the loud thoughts and quiet days?

Will he love the way I love— with all of me, without half-measures?

Will he touch my hand and feel safe too?

Will he whisper, “I found you…” and mean it?

And if I ask… "Am I enough?" Will he smile and say, "You always were."

Sometimes… I wonder… but tonight, I just believe.

[k1ngdomfa11]

Sweet melody of the third heaven,

cascade down my soul;

That I might, in both hands, give this also to my love.

[k1ngdomfa11]

....I just wish that God would have allowed me to been born a female.

Sometimes I pray that God let's me wake up as a female... It's against my faith to get a sex change operation; as it would be deemed as 'rejecting God's design' and stuff like that. Idk what better term to call it.

My life would be far more easier and fulfilling. So much longing, suffering, loneliness and condemnation would cease. As a gay and (not so closet anymore now) trans Christian,.....*sigh* I don't really know what to say... Just that I don't think I'll ever be happily with the ones I set my heart on; with the ones I hope and pray would love me the same way in return. No. I don't think I will ever...

Yes, God is all loving and all merciful and powerful and could do anything... but...sometimes when I think or daydream about God showing his face to me and his love to me that one fateful day, (If I'm not immediately falling on my face, shaking and bowing before him) I feel like I might sneer bitterly at him and let him see all the anger and misery all over my countenance and shying away at this same time at his outstretched hand for all the snowstorms and despair and crippling lonliness and self loathing throughout my life... I don't want to feel like that towards my own saviour but....just why?

[k1ngdomfa11]

Stop flaunting your anxiety/depression/insecurities and how antisocial you are, wearing it all like a flipid badge with these dumb fuckin’ memes! Mental illness isn’t cute or funny for fuck sake! It’s fine and one thing to vent and talk about and make art about it but these memes and shitposts are just infantile and asinine. And ohhhh don’t even get me started on the #sad boiii garbage. Yes, you can argue that it’s to alleviate the moment/crisis and make you laugh instead of feel worse but there’s a lot of us who DON’T think it’s funny or cute. And it's extremely triggering and agitating.

STOP

[k1ngdomfa11]

You believed there was only tribulation and darkest of night upon you

but in your eyes I did see the sun.

And on your lips, which declared eminence,

touched a million jewels

[k1ngdomfa11]

O, Cut the chain

that binds my neck

to the stone book of nightmare.

[k1ngdomfa11]

From fire

to ember

to ash...

I am made simple

I am purified

I am....

(Not the first; Not the last)

[k1ngdomfa11]

Take me; Bring me back. Hold me; Scold me. Reach me; Teach me. Return to our secret place. Annoint my lips and hands before the breezy twilight fades, stagnant and dark, only beep deep blue. I'll annoint yours too. Don't you know? Don't you know? It's that heavensong, those eyes, the very dream. Far beyond the Pinnacle of human emotions that soon takes me over oceans.