#threeboys

[shamarmorris]

3 Boys

[lovinglifewithlight]

Twin Flame BS that's not so BS

I have been led on a spiritual path since I was a young girl leading me to this moment. I have had a dragon to tame the entire time, and this dragon is my friend. He has always been with me, although sleeping at times. We would play on the slide and it was a fun game. The dreams of me as a teen, having this dragon slayed was always devastating to me. Although I was afraid of how large, and how much he had changed over time, I would run up and down the slide and it was a game. When afraid, I would eventually slide down and be “swallowed” or “eaten” or “become” or “within” or “combined”.

This dragon spirit was the first to approach me in my spiritual awakening, as a guide. But also, desperately needing to be tamed, understood, fed, and inspired to awaken.

Ty and I (one of the 3 boys) had a romanticized friendship that never flourished because of the wounded boy Jack, and because Mason would have never approved. Out of love for these friends, Ty would always leave and never admit his feelings to me or anyone else. Ty constantly came and went, only showing up to protect, serve, and then politely leave.

At the end of my fantasy and delusion, Mason told me that Jack had died. There was a fire, but Ty escaped. I finally listened, and told the truth. I used the color red to push down these memories and eventually it worked, although the color red was somewhat haunting to me for over a year.

As discussed here, I feel there are real “versions” of my characters that have manifested in my life. Such as Mason, being so similar to my hubby. Jack representing Rob. And as discussed today, Ty. For the purpose of his privacy, I’ll just refer to him as Him or He in this post…

He and I had a good friendship, and it was rarely about sex when mali was not involved. We spent much time talking and dancing and discussing the mind, energy, body language, animals. Discussing the worlds, mass movements, dogma, spiritual and sacred secrets. We over time, discovered a way to stop our friends from controlling our friends with mind control. But let’s admit that we had learned a fair amount about this. I’ll be the first to admit that I played their own games onto them and this never left me. And is what triggered me into thinking I was an Empath.

Admittedly, he gave me the name Lilith because of this, in combination with my sexual prowess and was the first to encourage the Enchantress – the Mystic within me. The first to sit me down for movies such as Zeitgeist and Down the Rabbit Hole. Countless hours of electronica and feeling in a state of ecstasy does a number on opening up even the toughest of inner characters and deep thoughts.

He seems to appear in my life in my time of darkness, chaos, and we accept each other at face value. It’s true, that I believe this Twin Flame Stuff somewhat applied to my shadow side emerging and it makes sense to me that this happen with him. He is a chimera, I was told today that his spirit animal is an octopus. If applied in the right perceptions, this can again be perceived very darkly, especially if applied to the Kraken story. Considering we’re “pirates” and well, that just gotta little dark and twisted in myths!

Coming back to my friendship with Ty, this can also apply to Him, as he only appeared and stuck around in time of need.

I have been immaturely caught up with the long lost idea of Him for a long time.  (Yea, if you read this, I missed you.)

I went to send him off when he moved away not to fuck him or admit my undying love. But to establish our friendship in time. To encourage him to leave for the right reasons, and that if he was running from me that he didn’t need to, that I didn’t want him to run from me. There are a lot of reasons he had to leave, the primary ones being that I was right. He had family stuff, health issues, a good mind, a drive for school and an opportunity to do that. And as much as he hated that I was right, he knew I would be okay. This stung but it was true.

He called me out on lying for so long and didn't support it at all. After drinking, after watching the movie and some physical stuff yes — the majority of our night was spent outside talking this shit out or just sitting in each others presence.

He was genuinely impressed that I graduated! Especially after all those days I skipped…

He had to admit that he knew I would be okay. That although we didn’t understand the potential, he did, even back then. And at that time… I was pissed – this was immature of me at the time – but he was right! And I think he still knows that.

I think we’re spiritually going to need to tell each other the other reasons that we didn’t discuss then, to transcend to now. He did not tell me how he felt about me, nor I him. We just knew “if it was meant to continue that it would but – right now we need to split and hold our tongues” he said. (EDIT: OR NOT, READ BELOW UPDATES) I agreed, but that I refused to say goodbye – someday I would need to know. He said someday he’d tell me, but right now he had nothing to offer me and was empty-handed and lost.

So — I think he is very much part of my journey and it has everything to do with learning and expanding. Although this divide in time lines is going to be a matter of choice and him realizing his free will. I do not know who he is now, any more than I did or did not recognize my own dragon!

The truth is, I know him as a Higher Being and he is more like a kind of Teacher/Student Brother/Sister King/Queen kind of relationship.

He can not and will not harm me. As he is not meant to. We need not be afraid. But at this time he is undecided if I am worthy of knowing and understanding, and that will be for him to decide within his judgement of his own shadows alike.

I do not want him as a partner, and never did. We may have a hard time wrapping around and accepting that in this lifetime of conflicted emotions and thoughts. I don’t need him nor him me, but it’s another thing to know that we want to help each other. We just don’t know how in this reality and lifetime yet.

I need my friends. I need to know that Ty escaped the fire, and HOW! HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW this is my question!

There is absolutely no way of knowing this to be true but I have recovered a few Past Live memories and frequencies that match with this as well.

Including the individual mentioned that ‘watched me burn’ at the stake.

And another in which, We went to war and came back as a troubled and traumatized men. It took nearly the entirety of that life to recover from this was. I remember that struggle, the distrust, the dillusion, the scarcity. The chaotic nature of the world at this time in history was Terror & we lived that out. But it was brutal. Or lives now are but a taste of that devising state, if only ancestral DNA or as a past life, that Warrior clearing was intense of mind.

Awakening

He was THE TRIGGER to my awakening to who I really am. And I am – probably – his spiritual trigger of remembrance. I will need him to come to terms with that – and face me. Just like I had to face him, and he’s going to see me in a much darker light than anyone else because of what’s Below – That I was who helped him figure out his power in the first place… A looong time ago & a place very faaaar away from here.

The most physically powerful and influential person I know, will have to choose if he’s going to step down or step up from his “throne”. As it’s a complete delusion of his own creation that will need to shatter during his unfolding. If his pride (Lilith in Leo) is challenged he will either obliged to Liliths Requests in Honor, or completely deny her and refuse us as equals. Spiritually this would be extremely damaging to his pride and ego – which would only quicken the unfoldment. That danger is his own as he is wise to take his time. I believe if we can get to the truth together by “going back to school”, then we BOTH have a chance to learn and clear our karma and others in this life.

He is also of Orion, and will need to come to terms with his soul power of Saturn & Uranus, eventually. I don’t think he understands his powers, or how much he effects other people as Energetically & Psychically. He is not capable of controlling his energy within it yet (at least that I know of).

123!

Unconditional love is the answer to this spiritual quest for knowledge, understanding, and personal integrity of identity.

To Him, Thanks & I Love You – I hope someday soon you Remember too.  When you do, I’ll be there

| Above written as of August 8 |

http://lightandcites.com/a-venus-letter

It’s now 11/20/2019 and I feel differently about some of these words and terms and ideas. The 11/11 date was an extremely integrating time for my understanding. All that I talk about such as thoughts and emotions. I spent the day really going through a writing-recap of my year and I have learned and changed a lot.

I do feel spiritual empowered by this individual but not in a targeted way, in an emotionally real way.

It seems so dramatic to read (esp all at once) and me figuring all this out is BRILLIANT because I really didn’t know or recall all this. That’s why I write it down. But I also write it down so that later I can look back on it, and see how much things changes and develops over time. The truth comes out in the end.

I love the guy for who he is to me, but I don’t know (and never will) any more than my own experience or perception. All I can really do in this life in this relationship, is to be myself and inform in the right times, the reasons and lessons and stuff that matters to him. These are one of these days where many lessons are linked together.

The reason for all of this, including the 3 boys, dragon/kundalini, past review clearing this year. Was to get back to Center. To the original self, through all the many layers. The reason for all this healing has been – for me to really discover the fantasy, delusion, shadow, Lilith, the biblical orientation that came through in various ways. I had to get to a point where I wasn’t running from them. These included Core Life Issues revolving around family, money, loss, and well, death. So to have come to terms with all of these throughout the year was – damn right Enlightening.

If only to my own experience and interpretation of it. 📷 Which is the cool part. Because not a lot has changed in the 3D reality yet. Now I get to walk-about the planet feeling lighter, freer, and more purposeful. If nothing else, my understanding of my Many Selves, Psyche and Emotions are taking me to my own levels of intelligence and awareness.

I had some help from the past and the present from the Key Characters in my life. I will forever be grateful.

The Twin Flame Journey for some is a game of Mirrors and Self Discovery in itself. It helped to understand the science behind the Magnetic/Manifest energy, and the Electric/Active energy differences and polarity.

Eventually, I put together the number 7 which helped in a number of ways and paths.

The study of Alchemy through Hermes has been a huge help for me, in getting back to Source through Self.

The word God has irritated me for so long because it’s so attached to this One Story in the bible, and really if you look into any religion it’s a pretty similar story as a Whole.

As a lover of science, I hated this term and thus the story. I struggled to understand Quantum Physics and Theories for years. Especially during the time of Emotional Depth and BodyMind.

I know this post is on the TF bit, so I will state that I love that the key interests are Psychology and Biology and that he actually went to school for this. But didn’t graduate. And I have studied these off-topic relations for years but never did get to school, or finish reading some of these same ass books. That I finally have finished… And this is what happened when it did.

I smash into this TF spiral because it’s in the same circle of info, and this really ties into everything else too. But the truth is – I still don’t fucking give a shit for labels. And thus, the whole experiences has been a mind fuck of a realization that

WE ALL MIRROR PEOPLE.

As above so below, As below so above.

Until you see in yourself what your judging in others for, there’s an immediate misunderstanding. Sometimes we get lucky enough to have relationships like this that take enough interest to manifest into something awesome. Others, it’s a divine set up of Timing and Character.

There’s a lot left for me to learn but it’s not going to be through a Twin Flame set of mirrored glasses.

Case closed. Even if we are, and I just happened to recognize it. It doesn’t change a damn thing about anything until I realized it was me. And this is why my understanding of Love has been Tangled.

These energies are everywhere. We are everywhere, entangled with everything. Anyone can be a TF to anyone else in theory. You go down one hole and you’ll meet another.

The consciousness of Venus is related to Ra (Law of One), Christ (Morning Star, see last verses of the entire bible in revelations), and Knowledge (conscious intelligence and understanding of love). Love is Logos. Logos is of love and light, source, force, etc. This is before the split of polarity, before the existence of gender or duality. And this is true to any new Logos, which would be the Flower of Life, that splits (like any cell does for life to emerge), is just a part of the same source, divided or mirrored/cloned. From here the sources work together to make the third, and on it goes.

I think the power behind the idea of Twin Flames is held in secret desire to know thyself through lack of self… Then when you realize you are what you are, we’re looking at the story of the Echo and Narcissus now. Right?

That’s not what it’s about. TFs are the power to Create and bring it all together, if for one or both. I don’t care much that we’re living separate lives, I like my life with Bowden and the Baby. I’m not trying to change that. I’m trying to keep that and let the people I love know that I love them and always did. Because that is my manifestation of Love and Light in this life. And he helped to awaken that, which is also pretty TF as fuck right? A Kundalini Dark Knight of the Soul? FUCK that’s pretty intense Twin Flame right. And the birthday and constantly seeing 123 fucking everywhere, there’s that. But it was all for reason of realization that

I am alive and well. That I’m loved unconditionally. That I AM. And that I am worthy and capable. Just as a I am right now.

Am I lucky enough to have a human friend?

What is Fire if not for Spark? What is a Twin if not a Clone? What is a Flame for if not for Warmth? What is Twin Flame but not a Union of Love?

Time and distance still don’t give a fuck when it comes to love. Love knows no bounds. And this is the only reason the relationship continues, boundless and creative source unleashed.

He just happened to be the one manifested to help me become unchained. Body mind heart and soul. Was it a setup? You tell me

[lovinglifewithlight]

3 Boys – Revealed Inner Reality, & Loyalty

In many ways, they are my Master Teachers of Life Lessons. I have learned more from them than anyone. Not only on the inside, in my fantasy world. But In Real Life, these Real People – let’s use Mason character as the example – I married him.

The 3 Runaway Boys. (search #threeboys )

I can’t believe I didn’t “see” this before or “recognize” him sooner than now. It took me a DECADE of being with him (my husband) to recognize that in EVERY way – he is exactly like Mason! To the T! Walks, talks, acts, argues, identifies, socializes – in ALL the same ways that my inner fantasy character Mason did in my mind/fantasy. He “looks” somewhat “different’ than my inner world, so much so that I didn’t recognize him by physical look, but if I am thinking in this inner space clearly, I can see a resemblance. Especially to his “style”.

The others? Somewhat the same feeling, there’s a physical resemblance. But the “omg they are the same person” and comes from a Knowing and Remembrance of the Real People and the Imagined Characters. Like, woah!

Why is this scary? Why is this dark? Because my story of them is dark in nature…

Because Jack died, and so did my real version of him (Rob)… Both by suicide.

… Because I married a real version of Mason!

And dare I say out loud here that I miss the Mystery Man who “escaped the fire” when the “house was burned down”? Cuz he’s real to, at least in enough ways to be recognized (finally, and this explains what I found in my journals).

Which is what “mason”, when I was 13 “told me” to tell my “real friends” – because remember, Mason was the friend in my fantasy that told me to “tell the truth, that it’s over” and to continue my life.

To try to move on and LIVE LIFE.

What I find SO GREAT – is that Mason was right and he was also wrong (typical of Mason, let me tell ya). Mason and Bowden are terrible are giving ultimatums (rare yes, but harsh, definitely) and is really open and honest and blunt about the feels. And I am always too quick to act on those feels with both Mason in my inner world, and Bowden in my real life.

What I think hubs was wrong about was telling me to forget about them and move on. He told me to ‘tell the truth, that it’s over’. But let me honest and say that maybe Mason didn’t know it wasn’t over. (I say this because even in my fantasy world, Ty and my relationship was ‘secret’ because it would have troubled, distracted, and hurt Jack – who was being terribly abused.) And — it would have pissed Mason off, who was as I’ve stated already – had deep feels and had an open heart/mind but was opinionated and heated about what was going on in this fantasy more than the others. Both Mason at that time, and Bowden wanted me to change, he wanted us to laugh, live, run, and explore.

Honestly: Maybe hubs didn’t understand or remember because he also didn’t know, that it wasn’t over… And that’s my bad! I’ve kept my ‘real’ relationships, feels, and memories about “ty” in real life to myself as well this whole time. In my defense, I was asked to, and I respectfully chose this secret.

But I also denied myself my own understanding, resolution, or truth.

Not only do I realize that these inner characters are archetypes of people I will instinctually want to help. It just so happens that this ty is back in my real life right now. I can’t help but feel, on a soul level, it’s for a reason. We both have things to heal from this.

Enough time went by this time, that I have forgotten about it all, buriedit, boxed it up with everything else…

Not anymore. No more lies. It’s time to remember. It’s time to know.

Udpate: A Resolution of the immature 3 boy spirits – dismissed

Kind of stupid that all of it, especially the details, line up so definitively to what I have now experienced over 15+ years of time, from something I ‘envisioned’ in my own creation when I was 12…

So here I am Wondering, asking, and finding the Truth, my own truth.

I’m going through this spiritual recovery and healing right now, AGAIN! And AGAIN It was Bowden (ie: the real Mason) that told me “you are not happy! quit lying to yourself! pay attention! to remember!”

And just like I did when I was 14, I started to listen. I started to change, remember, act, pay attention.

The inner world. Is the outer world. The spirit surrounds them and binds them both together and into separation. To merge only when my time is appointed and approved. I know I’ll understand with patience and serious intuition.

9/13/19 Update: There are highly symbolic meanings spiritually – literally The Spirit. In a number of writings there signifies that of 3 spirits who will haunt thee. One of self destruction. One of self denial. One of over concern of self. And these spiritual hauntings have revealed much symbolic reevaluation to my true path and purpose – too much to convey here and this is why it is heal for each of us in these ancient and spiritual writings and ways of ‘seeing’ or being ‘lead’ to your own truth, of your own hauntings. Now that I know what the ‘meaning’ of these immature spirits have ‘shown to me’ is all that I already knew. The lives of the men that attune to me in this reality in these ways are profound Lovers, Teachers, and Friends. I hold space and light for their return to true life, love, and meaning.

Side note: on the night of 8/8/19 we had a breakthrough with Bowden's forgiveness of some past exes and issues, able to separate the individuals from each other and see it from a new perspective from then on, including rather harsh images that repeated in bowdens mind ending after a rather honest approach, it’s the only one that makes sense. People are important to people, some more than others. True friends, teachers, that are loyal and forgiving are hard to come by. It can be hard to know who they are and why. Getting out of the web means helping others out too.

[lovinglifewithlight]

Conclusion: The 3 Boys and the Parts of Myself I Have Reclaimed

The last few days has been a bit of putting together of all the pieces and parts from my regression last year into a picture that makes a lot more sense to me. Specifically the Three Boys and how they manifested into my life in what seemed to me very real, significant wants related to people. It wasn’t until I dealt with my own inner judgements of this that I was able to relate to these real people in the now as separate individuals from my self. Especially the Twin Flame concept in many ways, and how that acted as a strong Mirror to my own concerns for myself. I have found as time goes by that this individual really affects me because I allow him to and that I feel on a soul level, we have agreed to. The same applies to the other Real characters. What made me realize the Truth Behind the Illusion of Separateness is actually this relationship within myself to what some would call the Avatar. The ‘other half’ of your masculine or feminine side, and the Mirror in which we face when dealing with our own judgements upon our selves in various ways. This at first, felt like meeting my Shadow, more than it did my own inner Avatar. Especially because Ty really was in my own fantasy way, ‘in the dark’ or ‘unseen’ a lot. Now that the inner ‘romance’ of this old, but real friend, has subsided as friendship has begun to overcome the illusions of Then and Now. Memories are returning rapidly…

Another inner character of the 3 Boys was Jack, the main character who was abused, lost and eventually ‘died’. In many ways was a representation of real people in my life. The emo kid I dated in high school and could never let go of…

And finally, Mason whom was/is an interpretation of Bowden my husband was the most confusing because in many ways he did the Same Things and Triggers as Mason. But some things didn’t make a match, such as arguments with Mason – Bowden and I never argue. We may disagree but I’ve never had a real fight with him, and I can’t say that about Mason. What inner character this most related to was my Ego!

In effect the 3 Boys or the illusion/fantasy/journey with these characters was SEEDED to my psyche at a young age so that I would realize my own Self/s:

Avatar

Shadow

Mirror

Ego

Woah! I like this a lot better than any other ideas I’ve been bouncing around this year. It makes logical, spiritual, and leads me to know myself more. This Reveal was slow, careful, methodical, and wise on my own behalf. I can not longer be afraid of myself or these parts of myself, these characters, or these real friends in my life. I thank those real individuals for sticking to their agreements on a soul level, to help awaken me at this time in the journey. Whether I am able to hold up my end of these contracts now rests in their willingness to know I am here to help them and so I patiently wait with open arms.

And I additionally and officially have released the idea of Twin Flame  and the like. I very much appreciate the idea of this because of the Mirror. Because it really helped me to know that we all have a masculine and feminine side within us, and that it is reflected in our design as humans. With the dual brain, heart, body and thought of reason and logic, and the Union or Marriage to the self to combine this split aspects of our design into one cohesive unit. It isn’t about someone else completing you and merging or marrying you into a sense of love and unity. It’s actually the reflection of the self and acceptance of being a complete individual. From my understanding, I know that real TF Embodiments of individuals coming into Union as TFs are not rare- but rare. It would be nearly impossible to know what is real and not. I toyed with this idea for a long time because of my interest in telepathy, entanglement, emotional and mental intelligence and supernatural abilities. I will also admit that the individual I said ‘may be my tf’ reacted to this in that ‘you can find true in anything if you look hard enough’. I realized that in many ways you believe what you see, and the fact that I couldn’t see him was a reflection of how much I was unable to see Myself.

The judgements I’ve put onto him, was identical to my own judgements. — Yuck see and there we go with the Twin use of the world Identical. There is real magic to this Mirrored affect that TF has on the psyche at these times. I’m very thankful that this individual friend has not passed judgement on me, and has accepted me for me. I’m beyond understanding all the wisdom that is there between us. But I am nothing but thankful for the release of the idea currently.

I do not need a twin, I need my friend! And this is what we’ve agreed upon here and now, and it makes me happy and feel more whole, not less, now that he’s back in my life. In a strong way it makes me thankful to know that the past is here with me, that my memory serves me now, and that I will always have what I Need  – that true Love (in all it’s forms) will always find a way back to you.

Finally, the discord it caused Bowden actually allowed him to heal some deep wounds as well. It was hard at first as he felt Threatened by this person! And rightly so, this was someone I cheated on others with and even him before he left. So I get it.

But now that time has passed and this friend, he really accepted me for me. Bowden saw the darkness that I personally threw at him for bowden, and that he deflected it and accepted it. That regardless of our trials to him, his stability and care for me was stronger than all that darkness we were holding.. It was… Uplifting to me, to know that someone was capable of forgiveness and acceptance of me in this way. Even through all my TF and alien talk lol of past lives as I Regressed. Bowden stuck it out with me and over time, was able to see with me what this friendship really meant to me and to him, and this friend! All the way around, we all took something to heart this year.

The other day, I had a break down as I felt the pressure of ‘not having friends’ come down while Bowden was out.

I had reached out to a few people and no one had returned the call. I had had a terrible day. But when Bowden finally did come home, he comforted me. And reminded me of a few notes that helped to pick me back up and feel safe. One of which was, ‘and I can’t believe I have to remind you of this but what about Him (name protected)? For whatever reason he cares about you and you know that now for real now right. It not for nothing. Real healing has happened here.” I giggled but protested in the moment, “Yeah but there is a limit to that….” Feelings and thoughts spun out as I thought about what I had just said. “And there is a good reason for that limit… I know that…” In that moment I realized that if I had really needed him hed be there and that I in fact didn’t need anyone that night.

I only needed myself, I had to feel that bad. So that in the following days I really could Let Go of Every One who had Failed to Be my friend in the past. So that I had room to love and let live, others now capable of Being with me Now.

For an update search for next post "Let's Be Real: Mourning Jack" or use #threeboys to view related posts

[lovinglifewithlight]

Overcoming My Own Creation Stories

I have had the biggest struggle lately to overcome my Christian conditioning and ‘oh my god’ is not enough of a statement to cover how I feel right now. Partially enraged and partially excited, I hope I can cover this in enough understanding.

I have always felt that “god” and the “devil” were the ‘wrong characters’ or at least, there was something about this that was being perceived incorrectly. Recently I’ve encountered my own self made demons, but the thing was that the idea of demon spirits and the like, on a scientific standpoint didn’t make sense to me.

Now, I have been blogging here about Empathy, Emotions, Energy, and my own Self Healing journey. Exposing how I’ve been processing my thoughts, emotions and memories.

When it came to the “darker memories”, the ones that are grusome, horrific, traumatic, and destructive to my true nature whether from real life experiences or from my own inner worldly dellusions or fantasies. In my mind and memory, are very real and have continued to follow me.

My trouble truly is self deceit, silencing my spirit and denying myself any credit for what I do that is “good”. I left my ‘religious upbringing’ and spirituality not because I wanted to sin or even believed in it. But because I didn’t understand what I was being taught and told because it honestly made NO logical sense to me. And even when using my imagine, no. ESPECIALLY when I used my imagination, things were dark and dangerous. In a very real way God was the Devil, he scared me. God’s ‘wrath’ literally turned me away from this, like so many others.

In recent time I have greatly challenged these ideas in my mind, the devil and demons, they must be scientifically explained some how. Using what I know about energy and emotions, I think it’s created within and ‘sin’ is simply us harming ourselves. Now to what extend this ‘self harm’ is done, I don’t fully know. My two theories are: 1) before you are born your soul makes a plan or blueprint of visions, memories, and actions that will take place at, when, or where they are destined to be, or 2) you simply choose as you go to remember or forget by choice, and/or you choose well or not well ways to live of your own, or 3) -which i don’t believe- it’s all pre-written and fate and destiny and will are actually a delusion.

If I accept either of these, then I can begin to acknowledge that I have created my own experiences from the start, including both what has happened and what has not happened both outside and inside myself.

Let’s take these 3 boys of my fantasy world. ( #threeboys ) In short, I basically fantasied about a runaway, abused boy and his two friends. They started as simple imaginary friends. They now may represent archetypes then that I “know” I would meet in later life, or dare I say create?

Because I was 12-14 years old, a young girl fresh out of Christian church. So ya know, innocent sure. But I definitely have always had a stubborn, rebellious nature. Here’s the thing, these visions/world it doesn’t really matter to me how I lost a year of my life, or why I created them into my reality by telling my real-life friends that these characters ‘where real’. What does matter is that they were real to me, and I created them. Whether before, during, or after my delusions started, to me these archetypes, characters and people did actually Manifest… into Real Living People… Or maybe they ‘already existed’ and I was yet to ‘meet them’.

I have spent the last 15 years without much ‘thought’ towards these original fantasied characters. But in my recent recovery of these old memories and times of my life (minus the year between 12-13 that I still have No Memory of at all) – I realize how Real they are to me Now…

I know these three people…

The Jack, the Ty, the Mason – to a T these 3, are real people which I will leave unnamed here. And they are probably some if not they most, influential people in my memories, lessons, and thoughts… Read more here

… And now, I’m ready to face the fire and find out what happened, what’s going to happen, and whatever it is now, to Live it out.

Again, Bowden (aka Mason) says to ‘move on and forget’. (Just like he did in my fantasy, this is how I realized/remembered/recognized him as one of the characters actually). But this time I told Bowden the truth. Finally, I can be real about this without the forgetful, subconscious, actless BS, and parts of my secret world. And bring myself into my Real Life Once Again.

Wish me luck, but I gotta find out what happened to Tyler. I gotta know he’s okay. And it’s about time he knew that this wasn’t his fault. Both inside and outside, because I didn’t do right by ‘him’ in either reality. I told him I wasn’t going to Leave Him Behind.

I’m not one for promises. But I made a few Real Life promises that I intend to keep… That is, now that I remember what a few of them are anyways lol

The most triggering video to my inner world ever… since these things of the mind can never really be explained outwardly… and this just glitched to my YT randomly…

Use the tag #threeboys for other related posts

[lovinglifewithlight]

The Three Runaway Boys

I have began to remember the fantasy life I had created when I was young, 12-14 Years Old after moving back to WA with my dad. I am yet to understand WHY I brought this world into my real life.

Yet, I have come to wonder if these fantasy memories serve a purpose?

If I’m honest with myself these 3 boys, display a certain type of people. Perhaps the very types of people I wish to help!?

The Abused

The Dark & Mysterious

The Runaway

The Deep, Emotional Comedian

I accept that there is a possibility that the only purpose of these fantasy boys, is for me to realize these archetypes. To become aware of these types of people. Learning how to help them, identify them…

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My Story of the 3 Runaway Boys

Visualized by an unpopular boy band. These 3 imaginary boys were a very crazy old story. My first lies lay with them…

I moved back to Washington from Cali, I made up this wild story about a boy who was attacked regularly.

(As if, in Cali, this is what really happened between the ages of 12-13 in which I have no real memory of my real life. At 13, I moved back to Washington and with new friends, I told them that this is what my life was like…)

There was a sweetheart of a boy named Jack, a dear closely personal and emotional friend. He was being badly beaten, abused, and traumatized – by who I don’t know, most likely his caregivers. I would go to school, then from there walk to a house before/after school idk. I’d go there to clean his wounds. Cuts, bruises, gashes and burns. His two friends helped him run away, or hide him, or comfort him in various different stories and fantasies that played out.

One of his friends was named Ty, and he was a tall dark and handsome type. I was intimate and sensitive to attention with him, but he wouldn’t tell me how he really felt. A wise character who always showed up at the right time to protect, serve, and secure the group of us friends. He came and he went, the character that had a life outside of ‘us’. In this way, he was kind of the ultimate run away and being he was the character in my fantasy I was most caught up with emotionally, let’s remember I was 12 and this ‘romance’ only went so far right? I mean common lol, I wasn’t banging – I was lucky if I got a kiss. I was lucky if I got to know how he felt. The mystery. We were always too focused on this wounded boy Jack with terrible pain. My inner fantasies are many about the romance we couldn’t have because of the distracted, chaotic world around us. And the world, it never stopped.

Mason, our other friend was a talker, light-hearted and full of laughter. Especially in the most awkward of moments. He was friends with anyone and everyone, and made these terrible moments of life worthwhile for us all. But he was the most disturbed by it all too. The most disgusted that we all couldn’t change this. The one who realized it was all a dream/fantasy. The one I would argue with often that we should not ‘turn ourselves in’, ‘go to the authorities’, ‘get psychotic help’, ‘tell the truth’. Whatever it was Mason was trying to get us to do, I often would argue or ignore. But he was probably the most stable of mind honestly, as he was the most ‘undamaged’ of us in my fantasies. The one that made us laugh and brought us up with adventure and good conversation.

Mason, my friend, the one who convinced me to stop and wake up. To tell the truth, in my reality.

So one Day I finally listened and I did ‘come out’ of the fantasy and start to live again in Real Life.

The color red. Blood, a lot of blood on this boy with the wounds.

(Update: For months after these fantasies ‘ended’ – I was haunted and troubled by the color red. I hid, repelled, and in a way ‘used’ the color red to ‘push away’ the fantasies. I had always related the blood to the haunting of red. Eventually the color stopped being a ‘bad’ thing and returned to being a ‘color’ again. Once the fantasies stopped and I had ‘forgotten about them’)

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Remember this is completely made up… Yet this is what I told people at 13 was true. Eventually, in my Freshmen year (14ish), I told my two closest friends at the time “Look I’m really messed up I know but this is a total lie. It’s not real. I’m sorry.”

And they had questions, but they accepted me as I was.

Right after this my life took a spin down a long path of lies, cheating, and stealing. In a way, these 3 boys continued to manifest in my real life long after I “forgot” about this fantasy/imaginary world.

I have not thought about this in a long time….. Obviously, this imaginary world is very disturbing to me right now but at the same time… I want to know why I don’t remember my life, and more about this inner world so that I can figure out why I spent so much time with them for those YEARS of my life.

But I have to wonder why I did that to myself? Where did those visions and these boys come from? Why did I imagine them at 12-14? Why did I TELL my real friends about them?

And further, psychologically how was I able to forget them? How was I able to ‘get passed’ this trauma?

Update: I had a quick talk with my dad about this and he remembered that there was a fire? That someone died and someone got away? And that this is what I told him – “it was all over”. WHAT???

Use the tag #threeboys for related posts

[patrickdebana]

Labyrinth of solitude. My dear Mattia and Nino... What an adventure What a trip What a wonderful way to work What a beautiful exchange of emotions and thoughts about life Will never forget... And we will meet again. What a Gang...what a trio...how wonderful to have such amazing partnerships. GRAZIE MILLE goes out to you both from deep deep down my heart👑🌹🙏 #labyrinthofsolitude #teatroallascala #teatroallascaladimilano #threeboys #perfectteam #partnersincrime #wedidit #applause #respect #inmyheart #forever #willneverforget #adventure #adventuretime #choreo #choreography #dance #ballet #curtaincall #youdeserveitall #bravo #mattiasemperboni #humans #theatre #allascala #nijinsky #caravaggio #heavenlycreatures #moments #momentsofmine @mattiasemper @antoninosuteraofficial @manuel.legris @teatroallascala @patrickdebana_dance (at Teatro alla Scala) https://www.instagram.com/p/CRGoO3NAxe4/?utm_medium=tumblr

[frankiethemusician]

After i #teachmusic 8 hours I #hustle and #gig even on a #tuesday #threeboys to #feed #norest #babybass #sendel #vancouver #music #bass that #pinkshirt is #snatched #papi gotta look good #frankiethemusician #elsalvador #extra #swag con #tumbao #fortlangley #fraservalley #smile #oncamera #again - - - Catch me thursday with @mazacoteband @chris.couto @nihotakase @eldavidlopezofficial @treblefivemusic again at #uptownfilmfestival we on #fire #periodt - - - @fortlangleyjazzfest thanks for having us, our pleasure, catch our livestream, details to come #nosvemos (at Chief Sepass Theatre) https://www.instagram.com/p/CDfz0M-AMDo/?igshid=194a8f3mzglec