“you live and you learn;” but what if I don’t? What if I stay this naive forever? Continually allowing people to walk all over me like a dirty old door mat. Time and time I’ve been told that I give too many chances or that I am too forgiving, but I didn’t believe either of those things were possible. Forgiving is good (?) Apparently not. Second chances. Third chances. I wish I would’ve learned. I may have guarded my purity, but I forgot to guard my heart. I let my walls come down too easily. Too trusting. Too open. And now I can’t stand to stare at the girl in the mirror. Ugly. Imperfect. Unwanted. Pushed Aside. Second Choice. No Choice. If only others could understand me, then maybe somehow things would be simpler. I blame you. I used to walk around in a cloud of happiness, full of sunshine and brightness. Now I’m constantly under a storm cloud, striking me with lightning bolts of horrid luck everywhere I went. Will I ever trust again? I gave you endless chances that left me feeling abused and empty. I put your happiness above mine. If you were happy than I would be too, right? I loved you harder and more passionately than I had ever loved anyone, and in the process I forgot to love myself. I left because I needed a change. I loved the change. I was happy. The storm cloud left for a bit. I tried to trust new people. But time and time again I got screwed over harder than I had before. Would anyone ever want me? Would you always be the only one who wanted me? Would you be the best I ever had? I hope not. I try to put my walls up, but then crash down faster and easier than a sand castle being overtaken by the ocean waves. Each one came crashing in harder than the ocean waves, and I was consumed by the unfamiliarity. Shocked and confused I allowed each one to use me, abuse me, and throw me to the side. I hadn’t learned. And I never will. And like you, time and time again I gave them chances they didn’t deserve- chances they knew they shouldn’t be given. Through this I missed you- not actually you, or who you had become, but who I had met years ago. I looked for pieces of the old you in everyone I met. I found people like you. I found people opposite of you. I found a perfect mix. But I didn’t find you, and I can’t tell if I ever really wanted to. You were a piece of me that I couldn’t rid myself of. I gave you the largest chunk of my heart, and since then I have given small pieces to too many people who didn’t deserve to have me in the way they did. I gave away pieces of myself that I should have treasured and loved. Yet time and time again I never learned. I just wanted to love and to be loved, but all I got was anger and pain, and more hurt. Because of you.
