| You Will Be Safe In My Arms |
One of the hardest things about long deployments was having to share Agron with his family and friends once he came home. It was always hard to resist the urge to lock him inside, safe and sound for days maybe even months or even forever. Nasir moved through the sea of Agron’s friends and military brothers and while he did his best to give the man space, his eyes still followed him closely throughout the night. It was no surprise then that Nasir could see the sparkle around him beginning to dull. Agron was all smiles but the tenseness of his shoulders wasn’t normal, nor his quick retreat up the stairs and to their bedroom.
Nasir hesitated only for a moment. He thought about how dumb he’d feel if he’d read the situation wrong but the idea of assuming things without knowing forced him to follow. He did, however, turn with a knowing smile when a group gathered at the landing happened to take notice and cat call. Until Nasir knew for certain, they could think whatever they wanted.
He listened at the door for a brief moment before entering, merely catching Agron’s sudden movement from the corners of his eyes. The reaction startled him as well and froze him to the floor. Agron’s eyes were wide and dilated, his forehead and collar damp with sweat, his palms flat and fingers splayed. He looked like a deer mere moments before knowing he was to be killed.
Nasir knew these signs. He’d done his research and attended seminars, knowing PTSD was common in returning soldiers. They had even gone through it once before but it didn’t make the situation any easier now.. The first thing Nasir knew he had to do was figure out the best course of action from here. Would Agron benefit more from being left alone? Or from being held? Would words soothe him or pour salt onto an open wound? He stepped forward and gently closed the door behind him. “Don’t worry, Aggie. You’re home. You’re safe here…” Leaving Agron alone wasn’t the right choice but Nasir would wait until Agron’s anxious claws retracted before closing any further distance between them.
Agron felt the instant waves of guilt, trying to force his body to relax. There was no more of a comforting presence than his lover . . . yet even still, he never wished for Nasir to find him in such a state. The decision to enlist, to be in the army was Agron’s choice. And the repercussions of it . . . were his own fault. Attempting to swallow back the overreaction of an opened door Agron found it difficult to lock eyes with his lover. Shame perhaps. Embarrassment. But most certainly guilt for forcing his lover to deal with his mental breakdown.
“I’m sorry,” he breathed. So much effort and kindness put forth to arrange the people he loved most in a singular place . . . and this was how Agron reacted. Despising himself for spreading any form of pain onto others. “I just . . . needed . . . “ A minute. A second. He didn’t know. “We should, get back.” He was saying the words but there was a disconnect in them. Not overly recognizing what he was saying. Only that it was what he should say. “I’m ok.” Because he didn’t want to worry his lover more than he already had. And yet, he still was unmoved. Still not looking at Nasir.
