“Caleb Widogast!”
Caleb jumped as he walked into the kitchen of the Xorhaus, unsure of what he could have possibly done to upset anyone this early in the morning. He was even more surprised when he saw who.
“Essek?” Caleb stammered, taken aback. The drow was perched on a large kitchen chair with a cup of Caduceus’ tea in his hands and a pinched look on his face. “Schatze, I’m sorry, were we to meet? I hope you weren’t waiting long, I--”
“No.” Essek corrected him sharply. “I am here to have tea with Mr. Clay at his request, to discuss the situation in Savalierwood. But he just told me that he healed some pretty distinct injuries for you, yesterday?”
Caleb felt a guilty cringe fold his stomach in half. He sighed, looking at Caduceus. “So that just came up, ja?”
“Yeah,” Caduceus responded, “thought it might be why you slept in.”
“Ja, I had a bit of a fall--”
“A fall? From where?” Essek’s gaze was intense.
Caleb dropped his eyes to the floor. “Oh just, you know, clumsy--”
“Really? You clumsily practiced dunamantic phasing on your own and fell through the floor?”
“I think it was three floors, actually…” Caduceus mused quietly.
The cringe came to the surface and showed, unbidden on Caleb’s face. “Essek, I--”
“I have never limited you. It was the one thing I asked.”
“I know, I--”
“Caleb.”
He froze when Essek cut him off, meeting the elf’s gaze once more. Essek stared him down hard before continuing.
“I had… better masters than you had, when I was a young wizard. Infinitely gentler, certainly. But they would have whipped me for practicing phasing magic by myself. Truly. You could have cut yourself in half, dismembered yourself, crushed yourself, suffocated in a wall--” Essek seemed to cut himself off with a wave of his hand. “The point… the point is it would cause me a great heartbreak if irresponsible use of the magic I taught you led to your demise. Please promise me again, and keep it this time.”
Caleb ducked his head, feeling like a rightfully scolded school child. “I will, ja. I am sorry.”
Essek gave him a look that said he didn't entirely believe him. “I do trust you. I do not trust your curiosity. It’s only a virtue if it doesn’t get you killed.”
Caleb laughed softly, nodding as he sat down at the table with them and accepted a teacup from the still-silent Caduceus. He winked at Essek. “I think I could say the same to you, but fair enough. If I do it again, I’ll let you whip me.”
Essek smiled back, but the doubt didn’t leave his expression.
...
“CALEB!”
Beau’s voice thundered from upstairs, and Caduceus almost dropped the knife he was using to prepare vegetables for dinner. He spun around to see the wizard in question with his hands in his component pouch, running as fast as he could through the kitchen and out the back door. Beau’s quick steps followed, but by the time she was in the kitchen they could both hear the familiar woosh of a misty step from outside.
She stopped stock-still in the kitchen, hands clenched into fists, looking… different than Caduceus had ever seen her. What was it?
“Uh… hey. Did you get some new clothes.?”
Beau turned to him silently, eyes burning holes in his head. It was pretty scary, actually.
“Oh! Uh… is that what this is about?”
Beau’s clothes were bright magenta where they had once been her usual cobalt blue. She was still staring at Caduceus with her fists clenched. Veth and Fjord were creeping wearily into the kitchen behind her.
“I think it looks nice--!” Veth offered, only to choke off in a scared squeak when Beau rounded to face her.
Beau reached out to yank Fjord’s hat off his head and put it on.
“Hey!’ Fjord protested, before clamping one hand over his mouth to hide a smile. “Oh. I see.”
As it perched on Beau’s head, the hat instantly turned the same bright magenta of her robes. When she handed it back it returned to its usual color. The whole room was biting lips to keep an amused smile off their face, lest they become the new target for her fury. Beau took a deep breath before bellowing again.
“CALEB!” She spoke into the air, her voice loud enough to hear throughout the house. “I KNOW THAT SPELL DOESN’T GO FAR. I KNOW YOU’RE HERE, AND I AM GOING TO FUCKING GET YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME? I AM GOING TO DO DOPE MONK SHIT TO YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM, TIE YOU UP AND FEED YOU TO A ROOM FULL OF TIEFLINGS. You will FUCKING SUFFER! THINK OF A NEW NAME, CAUSE CALEB WIDOGAST IS A FUCKING DEAD MAN! ”
At the end of her tirade Beau took a deep breath and started to walk upstairs again, but not before spinning around and jabbing a finger at everyone in the kitchen. “ANYONE caught harboring the wizard will share his fucking fate!”
…
"...CALEB WIDOGAST IS A FUCKING DEAD MAN! ”
Caleb was sitting cross-legged on the floor of his hiding place in Fjord’s empty bedroom when Beau finished her threats, but by the time she was climbing the stairs again he had disappeared with a crackling pop.
When the disorienting suck of the teleport spell faded he was standing on a clay path in a dimly-lit garden next to a trio of small towers made of iridescent grey brick. An arcane weather-vane creaked in the darkness. He started toward the door.
“Caleb?”
A head of pale curls popped up over the top of a bush of dark purple flowers, a frown of concern on the face beneath.
“Essek, hello. Ah… may I spend the night?”
Essek walked toward him as he pulled floral gardening gloves off of his hands, eyes narrowed wearily.
“Of course, I am always happy to have you...” He reached Caleb and placed a distracted kiss on his cheek. “... did something happen at home?”
“Yes.” Caleb answered, only to stutter as Essek’s worry grew, “Oh, ah, nothing bad. Well, nothing very bad. I just need to avoid Beauregard for a bit.”
Essek’s worry immediately evaporated to be replaced with amused annoyance. “I see. What did you do this time?”
They both started to stroll through the garden toward Essek’s back door. “Oh, just some illusion work. It will go away by morning. She deserves it, after stealing my spellbook while I was sleeping.”
“Mhmm.” Essek hummed, linking his arm with Caleb’s. “But wasn’t her stealing your spellbook revenge for…”
“The magic spiders, ja, but I had to do that! She--”
“--the disappearing ink, yes, I remember. Are you sensing a pattern here, chathtiu?”
Caleb sniffed and turned his nose up. “I have no idea what you mean.”
Essek’s smile turned indulgent as he pulled Caleb into his home. “I’m sure you don’t. Beauregard does have a way of pushing your buttons, hm?”
“She is the expert.”
“I should ask her for advice, one of these days.”
Caleb only laughed, pulling the smaller man into his arms. “You have your own way of pushing my buttons, don’t you schatz?”
Essek smiled back. “You’re right, of course. I do.”
...
Caleb stalked through the library of the Xorhause, circling it room by room. While his books were sitting on the desk he’d been working at the night before, their holsters were missing. He shifted the papers on his desk, panic rising in his chest. Where were they?
“Caleb?”
Jester was standing in the doorway, his holsters dangling from one finger. Caleb let out a sigh of relief.
“Jester! Danke! Where were they?”
“Sorry, I think Sprinkle must have stolen them.”
Caleb shook his head, the tension in his chest easing. “That’s alright. I’m just glad they are found.” He reached out for them, stopping short when another figure entered the room. It was Beau, her clothes now back to their normal deep blue. Their eyes met for a moment, but the monk just breezed past as though she didn’t even notice Caleb was there.
It had been a week since the incident with her clothes with no revenge or further threats, and Caleb was starting to wonder if he’d finally won the war. He shrugged his holsters on as the two women sat down on the sofa. He missed Jester’s giggle until it was too late.
“Hey Caleb?” Beau asked.
“Uh, ja?” Caleb cringed a little, turning around. Beau’s look was positively predatory.
“Fuck you.”
Caleb was about to respond when the sensation of fingers digging into his ribs flushed all the air out of him in one squeal. He spun around clumsily, hands flapping, but nobody was near him. He craned his neck to look down, his arms helplessly hugging his own ribcage while his knees buckled. That’s when he realized where the sensation was coming from.
“Wh-what? No, I-- ah! Please!” His fingers fumbled with the buckle of his holsters to try and escape the traitorous leather trap, but the buckle was trapped under a magical seal of iridescent purple wax with the image of a skeleton key pressed into its surface. “Fuck!”
Beaureguard was grinning like a gnoll. “What’s that buddy? Fuck you?”
“Aah!” Caleb’s whole body convulsed and hit the carpet as the tickling escalated, even more invisible fingers reaching out from the leather to stroke delicate bones under pale skin and plain cloth. “No no! Please!”
“Can I try?” Jester asked, giggling.
“Nein!”
“Sure, go for it.”
“Fuck yooooou Caleb!”
Caleb couldn’t answer her with words, he could only wail wordlessly. He writhed on the ground, trying desperately to resist the currently useless instinct to lock his arms at his sides so he could try and pull the holsters off over his head, but it was no use. All he could do was paw uselessly at the leather before Beureguard hissed the trigger word again and all he could see was stars.
“Uh… everything alright in here?” Fjord’s voice came from the direction of the door. Caleb couldn’t see him over the sofa.
“Fjord!” Caleb screeched. “Plea-hee-se! Evil!” It was all he could get out before his voice cracked and his laughter turned silent, his head thrown back against the carpet.
“Huh?” Beau answered in an exaggeratedly casual tone. “Yeah, everything’s fine. Just getting a little payback for my pink phase. Stole his holsters and Essek cursed ‘em.”
A wave of betrayal strong enough to overpower his ticklishness gave Caleb just enough breath to shout “WHAT?!” before the laughter overtook him again, tears building in his eyes.
“I helped with the ruse!” Jester piped up.
“Uh-huh.” Fjord nodded, “can he breathe?”
“Hmm? Oh, I guess we can check. Good boy, Caleb.”
The sensation stopped all at once, and Caleb rolled flat on his back to gulp in air.
“See? He’s fine.”
Caleb sat up, hands held out in supplication even as he struggled to catch his breath.
“Beau, please, I’m s-”
“Fuck you and your apology.”
Any strength Caleb had recovered melted away as he squealed and flopped back down on the carpet, limbs curling uselessly against his body. The tickling fingers coming from the inner panels of his holsters might as well have been sucking his very life-force out.
Fjord lets out a sigh. “If you’re going to torture him for a prank, you at least have to let him apologise. Good boy?”
Caleb didn’t get up this time, too scared to trigger someone’s wrath or sense of mischief. He was still giggling, partially from phantom sensation and partially from the panicky tension of knowing that any of them could trigger the curse at any moment. “I’m sorry! Bitte!”
There was a beat of silence before Beau turned to Fjord again.
“There, I let him apologise. Can we go back to the torture now?”
“Wait!” Caleb squeaked, rising unsteadily to his knees. “Please Beau, we can talk about this--”
“Oh, you wanna talk now? Cause when it happened you were happy to teleport away to your fucking boyfriend’s. So… you know,” she finished with a grin, “fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU.”
“Nein!” Was all Caleb could manage before his laughter stole his voice away, only to crack and go silent once more a moment later. Tears leaked from his eyes to roll into the fluffy carpet beneath him as he crumpled.
“Oh, he’s so cute when he cries, I love it!” Jester clapped her hands while she watched from the sofa. “This is the best curse ever.”
Fjord made an agreeable sound. “I wonder if Essek could make something more remote? Then we could tickle him wherever we are. That would be fun.”
Caleb couldn’t respond to the idea with anything more than pained wail through his hysterics. The others pretended not to notice.
“Yeah, I do worry that he goes without when we’re gone.” Jester cooed.
“Pfft. Yeah, I don’t think Essek is letting that happen.” Beau snorted.
Caleb started to beat at the floor with one hand, hiccups punctuating his laughter.
“Aw, alright. Good boy.”
The sensation stopped again, but Caleb couldn’t stop his laughter. “Please, pleaheese, *hic* bitte--”
“Focus on catching your breath.” Fjord suggested, “It’ll do you more good than begging will.”
Caleb let out an exhausted little sob before obeying, his lungs working overtime to suck in air. He wiped the tears from his eyes and tried to make the hiccups go away with little success. When his breathing finally evened out Fjord gave him a reassuring smile.
“See, that’s better.” Fjord soothed.
Beau’s grin got wider. “Hey, Caleb?”
“No!”
“Fffffffffff…”
“Mercy!”
“...uuuuck you!”
“Aaii!” Caleb let out a little yelp at the sound of the words, then… nothing. He’d clenched his eyes shut in anticipation, and when he slowly opened them Beau was glaring at him.
“Hey! How come it didn’t work?”
Caleb let out a huge sigh of relief. The curse must have expended all of its energy.
“Is it done?” Jester questioned.
Caleb was wondering the same thing. He tried to examine the buckle of his holsters as subtly as possible. The seal was still there, which meant whatever the curse was, it was not over. He needed to get out of earshot as quickly as he could.
“I thought it was supposed to last longer than that. Can you message Essek?”
“Sure!”
Caleb started to cast for misty step as subtly as he could, hoping he was close enough to his lab to lock himself inside.
“Hi Essek, it’s Jester! So, your awesome curse thingy is SO great, but like, but it ran out of tickles? Do you know why?”
Whoosh.
Caleb hit the stone floor of his lab with an oof, dragging himself to his feet and transmuting the door of the lab into stone for good measure. As he groaned he saw that the room looked quite different compared to how he had left it the night before.
The large chalkboard he used for calculations had been moved into the centre of the room. In one corner someone had drawn a symbol-- a skeleton key, like the one on the seal trapping him in his holsters. Next to it someone had written in familiar, looping script:
I will not practice phasing unsupervised. X100
Caleb whipped out the enchanted little book he and Essek used to send messages between them, only to find a new one waiting for him.
You have 30 minutes.
Caleb was glad nobody was there to watch him gape like a fish between the chalkboard and the book. Essek couldn’t be serious. He frowned and grabbed up a quill.
You are a traitorous snake!
There was only a single silent moment before the page shimmered and revealed another message under Caleb’s.
Noted. Now you only have 25 minutes.
Caleb took a moment to say every curse word in every language he knew. Then he stood up, snatched the chalk and started writing.
