Today was weird.
I’ve been dealing with anxiety attacks since last night. They’ve been less frequent so I’m no longer like ‘this is fine’ about them. My therapist told me at our last session when I was really up that abuse recovery is cyclical and that I’ll hit a point where I feel sad and fragile again and then gave me a pre-emptive pep talk which I have been repeating to myself.
Anyway it effected my skills today.
Warm ups were fine and then we went to aerial silks and rope. I have done everything we were told we were gonna do. Remember how the first time I got on aerial silks I climbed up a few times? And how I’ve NEVER had an issue before? Today I couldn’t climb the silks. The coach coached me but the most I managed was two very short climbs. We tried a different climb and I failed on both the rope and the silks. Basically just kept having my feet slide out from under me. I barely got off the ground. Then we did ball...somethings and I had to have it explained to me three times and then step by stepped. For this and the second climb the other three students all rotated through on the other apparatus before I managed. Two of the students also whispered to me so I felt kind of pitied but also helped. And in his defense, the sole male student today waited until I asked him for help before ever giving it to me. Like he would go to say something and then stop and I was like ‘no please tell me what to do!’ and he did it in a non patronizing way. No mansplaining.
The last thing we did was hip keys and I needed help but I did do it and once I did it right and was upside down, I was like ‘yay I did something right today’. I did three and was mostly stable. Slid a little on one of them. Also I like being upside down. It’s calming.
Next we were told we would do unicycle and I had feelings because unicycle is the devil. I know I keep saying circus class is to help me be better with failing but today is not a day for that lesson and I failed enough at aerial. Luckily the kids were in the station next to unicycle and there was no room so the coach asked if we wanted to tightwire and I shouted ‘YES’ before anyone could chime in.
I was not doing well on tight wire and checked in with myself. I am good at tight wire for someone with my experience but I could only balance for seven seconds and only take one or two steps. My body is fit. I am not tired.
So I admitted that my anxiety attack was worse than I thought. It was effecting my performance and making me question my skills. I gave myself permission to have an anxiety attack, to let it run its course, and to not count the day as a failure. It’s just a new lesson in my limits and abilities. Namely, doing things off the ground is difficult when your body is in panic mode.
After that I did better and soon after the coach did spotted walks. I barely held his hand and just made it to the other end. And then I made it halfway a few times. He asked us to balance on two feet and I did well. Then we did sits and I did well on both sides. One student commented ‘You found your apparatus!’ so I appreciated that dose of positivity. We also tried crouching, which I did well on one side and could balance for a bit but the other side I could barely get my foot off the ground. Weird. We were also challenged to lie back from a sit and then try to sit back up. I did best of all by laying back with the rope up to the top of my tail bone. And I only fell off without catching myself twice!
It was nice to work on something I have some aptitude for.
Then juggling. We did clubs for my first time ever. I chose them even though balls would have been easier and I could have done something familiar. I decided the novelty of the clubs beat out that need. I was kind of afraid of the because I hit myself a lot but they are shiny and look cool and are definitely more clowny so I had fun. And I didn’t suck. I moved through about six exercises and while my left arm always manages to throw the clubs towards my face, I mostly caught the one from that side. My flourishes need work but I think that was going along with the pattern from aerial where anything with more than two steps was too much for my brain to process. Still. I ended the juggling section feeling like I had earned my high five and in better spirits.
Then I got to have dinner with @bendymish and we discussed art but mostly life because she is off class for the week! I do love hanging with the circus people. My anxiety attack is still lingering but at the very least it’s much smaller than it was earlier today and as you all saw earlier I used that energy to style some wigs! Not pictured was my new shell bra I made.
Anyway I am gonna drink some chamomile tea and try to go to bed.
