Usually Eva would say something when she came back to their room, however insubstantial, but Alida's initial greeting had only been met with silence.
She looked over her shoulder from where she was sitting. "Eva?" she asked, a tinge of concern in her voice. Eva was standing at the door with her briefcase still in hand, looking at the floor with unfocused eyes.
"Everything okay?"
When she still didn't get any response, Alida stood up and quietly walked over to her wife.
She gently laid a hand on her arm. "Hey, Eva?"
Eva looked up, eyes focusing only slightly.
"Are you okay?"
She opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. Her breathing was stilted.
"Can you talk at all?"
She shook her head.
"Is it an episode?"
She nodded.
Alida pulled her into a hug and just held her for a moment.
She didn't know exactly what would have caused it. It could've been anything from Eva wearing the "wrong" shirt for the day to some massive breakdown in the project that fell on her shoulders with no warning. Either way, it was bad enough to get her to this point. Alida knew she wouldn't have time for the break she needed before she had to go back to everything the next day, but this was a practised thing in their lives by now.
"I'm going to let go. I'm going to take your briefcase and put it by the door, and then turn the light off. Then I'm going to walk you over to the bed and get you some clothes to sleep in. Okay?"
She waited until Eva nodded, before doing exactly as she said. Once Eva was standing at the side of their bed, illuminated only by the lamp on the nightstand, Alida said, "I'm going to step away for a moment, but I'll be back in a few seconds. I'm just getting you clothes." Again, she waited for her to nod before moving.
When she turned back around with the clothes in hand, Eva's eyes were darting around the room and she was wringing out her hands. As Alida quickly stepped closer she realised she was trembling.
She placed the clothes on the bed and gently but firmly took her hands.
"You're okay, just breathe."
Eva abruptly tugged her hands away and bit her lip as her breathing started to speed up. Skin-on-skin contact was always a 50-50 in these cases, and this was one time she'd guessed wrong.
"Shit, I'm sorry."
Eva shook her head slightly and her eyes started to shine as tears welled up and Alida knew from that alone that whatever had happened had been going on for hours. Eva wasn't one to cry, and practically never cried because of her own discomfort. If it was bad enough to get her like this, it had been building up for way too long. She hugged her again, tighter than would be comfortable for anyone else, making sure to avoid touching her skin directly. Eva's head fell gently onto her shoulder.
"I know, I'm sorry. I'm right here."
Alida started tapping on the small of her back very slowly, in a consistent rhythmic pattern Eva could follow and count. It gave her something to keep track of, to keep her mind from spiralling too much, as well as something to copy.
"Breathe," Alida said, her voice soft. "You're doing great, just keep breathing."
She felt the rise and fall of Eva's chest starting slowing down, and Alida gently sighed in relief. "It's okay, it's just us now. You're okay."
Soon enough, her breathing came in tandem with Alida's tapping and she leaned against her wife.
Alida let her fingers still and held her. "How many?" she asked.
Eva quickly tapped Alida's chest thirty-seven times.
She smiled. "Good job."
Alida stayed there for a bit longer, making sure her breathing remained steady before saying anything else.
"Let me help you get changed, okay? Quickly as I can, I promise."
After getting another nod in response, Alida moved back and started to unbutton her shirt. Except for the few moments that required her to let go, Eva kept an iron grip on Alida's wrist. It wasn't the most comfortable sensation in the world and didn't make the process much easier, but Alida knew it helped and she didn't mind anyway.
When she was done, she reached over to the nightstand and took out a pen and pad of paper, leaving it beside the lamp just in case Eva needed anything later.
"Is there anything else you need to do?"
Eva thought for a moment, before shaking her head. She squeezed her wrist once, a sort of silent thank you and affirmation. Alida smiled and nodded. "Of course."
She climbed into bed, making sure there was more than enough room for Eva to situate herself however she wanted.
Once she was beside her, Alida propped herself up on her elbow. "Wake me up if you need anything at any time, okay?"
Eva nodded. Giving her one last smile, Alida laid back down and let herself slowly drift off.
—
"Alida?"
Still mostly asleep, Alida hummed in response.
"I'm sorry for earlier."
Alida rolled over and squinted at her. The lamp on the nightstand was still on and lit her silhouette. She was sitting up and looking across the room, hands placed firmly in her lap.
"That was inconsiderate of me. I should have dealt with it on my own before coming back to you. I did not mean to interrupt your evening."
Her words were clear and steady. She didn't seem all that tired. Alida couldn't guess how long she'd been awake for already, if she'd even gone to sleep in the first place. But she was talking again, and Alida just hoped she wasn't pushing herself to speak before she was really ready. She took a deep breath.
"Eva."
"Yes?"
"How long have I known you?"
"Twenty-nine years."
"How long have I loved you?"
"Twenty-nine years."
"How long have I loved all of you?"
"…Twenty-nine years."
"Mhm." She blinked the sleep from her eyes. "You know your episodes don't bother me."
Eva stayed silent.
"What happened?"
"It was all insignificant."
"…Okay. What happened?"
Eva sighed. "A meeting this morning, one of the longer ones. One of the representatives, I…I don't remember from where, kept clicking their pen. Practically the entire time. Attempting to focus on other things only led to noticing the tag on the back of my shirt pressing against my neck and how often the man sitting two chairs down on my left cleared his throat. Nothing truly disruptive, only things…I have always found problems with. Nonsensically."
Alida made a mental note to cut off the tag.
"More things came up later in the day. I don't recall the exact origin of the problem, at that point my irritation got in the way of thinking perfectly clear, but multiple meetings were rearranged and I believe multiple tests had to be rescheduled as well. I don't…remember what they were. I should know. I'll check tomorrow." She glanced at the clock on the bedside table, which displayed it was well past midnight. Today, then.
"I didn't get a chance to eat, and everything was thrown off. Not something I should have trouble with, especially after dealing with this sort of calamity as often as I have, but that didn't stop me from hardly being able to breathe through the remaining meetings of the day. And I couldn't ignore the feeling of that clothing tag on my neck." Eva sighed. "It wasn't that bad, in the grand scheme of things. I don't know why I reacted so severely."
"Because you've already had a run of uneven days. I'm not surprised you had an episode, love, you already weren't doing very well. I'm sorry it all piled up today."
"It isn't anything new. Things like that have happened countless times before. It is not an excuse."
Alida gave her a look and sat up.
"I know you are often too tenacious for me to get this into your head, but it is completely acceptable for you to be flawed."
Eva started wringing her hands again.
"We both know you don't think or act like other people do. We've both known that for a long time. And that's fine, Eva. It's fine. You don't have to apologise for that. That's just how you are."
"And it's how I've been since I was a child. I've become accustomed to it and I've learned to adapt and cope. At this point it's impolite to continuously make it your responsibility so often when I am perfectly capable of handling it on my own."
"Oh, don't play detached administrator with me, I've known you since you were nineteen years old. Yes, you can handle it on your own, but you shouldn't. It doesn't matter if it's "just" a bunch of little things that build up, I've seen how they affect you."
"I have more important obligations."
"Can I touch you?" Alida asked.
Eva remained silent for a moment before quietly responding, "Yes."
Alida gently took her hand. Eva still didn't look at her and Alida didn't mind.
"You're no less important. When you're too distressed you start to fall apart at the seams, and all those important obligations fall to the side whether you want them to or not. You have a lot of authority and a lot of responsibility. It's no surprise this happened, nor that it's happening more often, and you know as well as I do that it's most likely going to continue on like this. You literally have the weight of the world on your shoulders."
"Alida, I almost let it all shut me down earlier in the day. If that had happened I wouldn't have been able to work as I need to for at least several hours. I was able to endure it today, and the past few times as well, but it would be irresponsible of me if I am not able to endure the next time."
Alida shifted closer and let her voice go soft.
"I have said this every time you go through something like this and I will happily keep saying it for the rest of my life as long as it means I still get to be in yours. If you need to, regardless of whether you want to, please, please let yourself do what you need to do. Take every break you can. I know you want to push yourself through the day but it's not good for you. It will lead to you having an episode you can't fight off. You need to give yourself small intervals where you can have a moment to breathe. Even if you think it's inefficient, even if it's just with me."
She paused briefly to give Eva a moment before continuing. "Please come back to me at the end of the day and let me hold you until you can breathe again. Please let yourself sit next to me and know you don't need to talk unless you actually want to. Do all the repetitive motions you have to do to calm yourself down without worrying about other people seeing you act "unprofessional." You're human, Eva. I know it's easy to forget when other people don't treat you like one but it's important to me that you remember."
Smiling gently, Alida sighed. "We've been doing this for decades. You're still the woman I fell in love with, even when you think you're inconveniencing me. I know your job can't be secondary to much and I know you can't just take breaks whenever you want, but don't treat yourself like you have a standard to uphold around me. You can't keep doing something like this and stay whole. You have to fall apart sometimes. Just please let me help put you back together."
The room fell quiet for a moment. Eva looked down at their intertwined hands and took a deep breath.
"…I don't want the worst parts of me to be the only ones that you see. That isn't fair to you, and it's not what you asked for when you agreed to marry me," she said quietly.
Alida stared at her before putting her other hand at the back of her neck and kissing her without a second thought.
Eva remained still for a second before responding in turn. As soon as she did, Alida quickly untangled her hand from Eva's fingers and let go of her neck, grabbing her waist and pulling her as close as she could. She felt Eva's arms wrap around her neck and she tilted her head, deepening the kiss. She couldn't actually put all her love for Eva into one action, but she could try.
A few long moments later, once Alida knew she had gotten at least part of her point across, she pulled back.
"Don't ever say anything like that again. I've lived longer with you than I have without you. I love you, and that includes the worst parts of you. I don't care if that's all that I see if it means I still get to be in your life."
Eva slowly removed her arms from around Alida's neck.
Looking off to the side, she said, "You're too kind to me. This can't be what you wanted when you met me. I understand…I understand that nothing about me is ideal. We both know my habits have been getting worse and the episodes are more frequent. And I know being cooped up on an aircraft carrier, rarely ever seeing me except at night isn't how you imagined our lives playing out."
Alida let go of her waist as Eva gazed down at her hands. "I want you to know that it's okay if you don't love me as much as you used to, and it's okay if you want to leave. I understand."
The certainty in her voice alone brought tears to Alida's eyes and she looked up at the ceiling in an attempt to keep them from falling.
"We both know you would be better off if you did."
They sat in silence for a moment.
"Do…do you want me to leave?" Alida asked.
Eva looked to her quickly. "No, of course not."
Alida nodded to herself and pulled her back into a tight embrace. "Please don't say that ever again."
"Alida…" Eva whispered, her voice disheartened.
"I love you. I love you just as much as the day I met you. I'll love you even if you get worse, and I'll love you even if I barely get to see you again. I would never be better off without you. Never. Please don't say that. Please don't say you believe that."
Eva rested her head on her shoulder and snaked her arms around Alida's waist like she was giving in to something she didn't think she deserved.
"I don't want to drag you down with me. It's selfish."
"You're not dragging me anywhere, Eva, and you're the furthest possible thing from selfish. You are everything I ever could have wanted. I know you see all your idiosyncrasies as problems, and I won't say they don't get in the way of having a normal life sometimes, but I don't care. I truly couldn't care less. You're the most important person in my life."
Eva didn't respond and as the silence dragged on, Alida started to worry that the day's events had gotten her too far inside her own head for her to be of any help.
Then, "…How can you not care?" Eva whispered.
"Because I love you. It's the easiest thing in the world," Alida responded, just as quietly.
Eva buried her face in the crook of her neck.
Alida gently kissed her head. "You don't have to say anything, not if you don't want to. I know."
Alida felt Eva nod and her arms tighten around her. She could feel her steady breathing against her neck. Eva was okay, and she knew she was loved. That's all Alida needed.